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Thank you Jones and ElizaJ for your thoughtful responses. She called me this morning and I didn't even want to hear her voice. I am stepping back for a week or several weeks despite her second phone call to keep me coming back. I have to step away from this to squash the emotions. Like what is the point. She is never there to help me when I am to the point of no return. Her responses (or lack of) just sets me off into an emotional rampage... and then she just wants to tell me that my...Read More...

How can being heard help me to change?

I understand these feelings; been there, done that, got a wardrobe full of t-shirts, about to go on a shopping spree again, etc. The way I understand it, and I'm not saying that I particularly do or can when it's me ( ) is that these are parts of ourselves that we find so horrible, so shameful, that we cannot tolerate them. They come from a place of real pain. What I wrote recently in my journal: "I feel calmer again. Like maybe because I saw you tolerating me it means I can tolerate myself...Read More...
Thanks, Beestung. I still really miss my T, but at least I know he'll be at session tomorrow! I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same attachment angst. I've been struggling with attachment for weeks (I can't even utter the word in front of T), but it finally seems to be happening on its own. With or without my permission, I'm not sure. Yes, this dream is incredibly layered. I didn't even include all of the details (a big one being that there was an unmade bed, instead of a couch, in...Read More...

The challenge of an unexpected "break"

Hi Jillann. Thanks for your reply. It helped to get me to think (which is a lot of what this rambling is). With the ED, I eat variety and maintain a stable, healthy weight that is much higher than I would have ever been okay with. I monitor my intake on my own and do know about how many calories I eat - though I am not afraid to go out to eat or to try samples at a farmer's market (normal things that were once terrifying). Of course, my mom always sees me as too small or too restrictive. I...Read More...

Session in an Hour...

kmay
Thank you TN and Draggers Session actually went well. It was a mellow one so that was nice. We talked about how my week was and where I am with my emotions. Right now, I am feeling a ton of anger T says that is good to a certain extent b/c it allows me to speak up. But also to be careful b/c people numb with it as well. We talked about healthy coping mechanisms. We talked about an incident that happened a few weeks ago to me that made T so mad, she started crying when talking about it While...Read More...
(((Eliza))) Thanks for replying, especially from such a unique perspective. Yes, as for the dietary aspect of it, I'm able to become very research/intellectually oriented. In terms of my panic about having to talk about my body or be touched, which I usually dissociate in the moment of the appointment and then collapse afterward, I haven't found a successful strategy yet. I'm already putting myself on as close as I can to what I've read is a "standard" GD diet. I was so borderline on my...Read More...
Hi Jillian, Thank you for your response. Yes I am aware of what making that statement will do to my marriage.... that is why I am going regardless. I am sure I will find a way as I will have no say or no choice in the long run, but I know myself too and if I go, and if I do not adequate support I will destroy myself and in turn resent and destroy my marriage. It is sad, but I just have to let it happen. I owe my husband at least this much.Read More...
Hi About, I'm sorry your T is gone again. I, too, have a hard time going back after a break. I've thought about not going back many times because it does hurt so much. I've read from other blogs that sometimes too many breaks is not helpful because how can we entrust ourselves to someone who is always gone? I think how the T handles the breaks is really important, too. I think talking about it before and after can make it easier or harder. My T is gone a lot. It takes a long time for us to...Read More...

Gabapentin

kmay
Hi Ghost Girl, Thank you! Yes, I was using opiates. I also have two torn discs in my back so it's been helping with the pain with that. It helps with my anxiety as well. I was also coming off of benzo's in the detox center as well. I was not abusing them, but was taking them at a higher dosage I guess and the longevity of taking them. They were not allowed at the detox center and I was fine with that anyway b/c I definately want to stay away from all addictive meds. Thank you so much for...Read More...

Talking to ducks

LongRoad, What your T had you doing sounds a lot like Family Constellations Work, which my T had me do a couple months ago. We only have done it two times so far. And yes, it was VERY unusual. But he had me repeating things to the figurines, which, in my case, were wooden cut out people that I could pick from. He also had things called "metas" that I could include in the constellation...things like hope, health, shame, guilt, etc. The whole experience really affected me because I kept...Read More...
Thanks beesting for your reply and sharing your experience. I have the 'I'm too much' for my T thing too. My T comes bake after a 5 week holiday on the other side of the world and I'm feeling like shit when I think about telling her how hard it's been while she's away and how much I'm strulgging. She's just had a vacation and it FEELS like ill drive her into needing another one. Which is exactly what my pdoc was trying to tell me - It WON'T drive her to feel desperate or needing another...Read More...
I felt this way a lot in the initial throes of ET. I was terrified that my T was experiencing the same apprehension, aversion and confusion that I was - plus the uneasiness of dealing with a client with such intense feelings. Then, one day, this thought just clicked in my brain: It's not the same for him. Because I was opening up a lot of trauma, and investing a lot emotionally in my therapy, my feelings seemed consuming and overwhelming. But for my T, this was just a day at the office. I...Read More...

New T is great but...

Hi turtle, I'm so sorry your T is gone so often. It is very hard to become dependent on someone who is gone a lot. And it's hard to think of working with someone else when you work with your current T so well. My T is gone at least one week a month and then some. He's been gone 14 weeks alone this year, with more to come. He does allow text and email, but it's not the same. I never had a back-up T until this summer. He wanted to refer me to someone, but I looked for my own. I called several...Read More...

new member/erotic transference/stop or go on

Hi Affinity, Yes no doubt the crying was a sign of real empathy. My point was that this, more than any voluntary disclosure or personal sharing, deepened the connection. As for what she has shared beyond the norm for her, i believe it has mostly been of an incremental nature, tho don't know for sure. I saw her yesterday and she actually brought up that boundaries have become a little too fluid with me. Not in the way of romantic insinuations, but rather things like going over the allotted...Read More...

hi friends

(((Turtle))) please don't read anything into my silence. Things have been insane in my life, dealing with some difficult family issues and dealing with six day weeks for several months, then last week I crashed with a truly awful sinus infection which kicked off my asthma. And that was before my left knee gave out and I had to start using a cane (today's session was on the shame that rose up). So I have been doing the occasional flyby and missed that you were posting right now. I am also...Read More...
Another session and I thought I would explode. Well, I sort of did and I yelled for her to stop several times in a row. T. stopped and came over to me and told me she was stopping. I'm very upset. I told her prior to the session how bad I've been hurting and she pushed so hard to my breaking point. I am still a mess from it. Any ideas?Read More...
Hi, (((Kmay))). Thanks for replying. My T did say he had a busy weekend and hadn't gotten around to it yet. I knew ahead of time it was a possibility and specifically asked when I sent it that he tell me at the beginning of the session the status, so I wouldn't worry about it. I just didn't anticipate how hard it would be knowing it was hanging out there. He offered to read it then and there, but I couldn't handle being in the room while he did. As for the breathing, ibalready have counting...Read More...
hi kmay, its really nice to see you again! sorry for the delayed response, during the week i'm in 'functional' mode and dont check in that often. wow, i think its really courageous to do this program in groups, i hope it helps you. thanks for what you said about the time thing, i've been thinking the same, i can see myself just getting obsessive about that and not being able to do anything else. i think i need to talk to T about it to have it more in the open, so then i can focus on other...Read More...
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