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Having a really hard time. I just barely failed my first glucose test today, probably eating a bowl of cereal before going in or being forced to chug the drink too fast (they were running late) could have meant the difference between passing and failing.

Since the nurse called me to tell me I have to do the 2-3 hour version where I am not allowed to leave the lab and have to have my blood drawn multiple times, I have been irrationally angry. I seldom really get angry with other people, but when I do, I get self-destructive, so I'm dealing with that too. I am having strong feelings of defiance and wanting to refuse to go, which could be bad for me and the baby if I do somehow have gestational diabetes. So, obviously, I will at some point force myself to go. I had the same reaction to having to (re-)schedule a follow-up ultrasound I didn't want to do (did I mention I just don't like anything to do with my body?) and ultimately forced myself to do it somehow.

My mind is choosing the worst possible scenarios in which to finally be non-compliant with what others can "make" me do with my body.

One trigger is...I'm being told I HAVE to do something unpleasant to my body. And I feel outright defiant and angry to the point of wanting to scream at someone about it. Like, "NO! You can't do that to me! I won't just sit there for hours feeling awful because you put something in me that I didn't want and then let you poke me and take my blood out."

Another trigger is...I feel betrayed by my body for these test results that were just barely enough to make me do the horrible version of the test. And I just processed major memories where my body betrayed me by responding in ways I felt like it shouldn't. I'm pregnant and now I'm feeling so antagonistic toward my body that I don't want to eat. My appetite hasn't been great, but I've been making sure I eat regularly, and I feel like I...just can't...which is also awful for my baby...which means it's another thing I'm going to have to force myself to do.

All this is making me question...why the hell did I agree to try to get more into my body in the first place? It's just a mess! It's so much harder to force myself to take care of it when I'm even more aware of how much I can't stand it, save for the fact that I have an amazing young life growing inside of me and she needs this body to be healthy.

How do I get un-triggered so I can eat and schedule this test and do the things I need to do to make sure my baby and I are healthy? Frowner
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I'm not quite sure what to say that may help but I would be frustrated, too. I also get annoyed with obligation or stuff I'm feeling forced to do.

It must be hard carrying a little on when feelings so much body betrayal. I couldn't imagine.

I hope you can go... And bring a book or something, maybe a friend to distract from all the pokery.

Sorry I'm not much help, but I wanted to lend my support.
(((Cat))) Thanks. Your reply was helpful, because it helps to just be heard on this. Pregnancy, overall, is not a hard thing for me to deal with. It's one of the only and most positive ways I have related to my body. It's just...all the extra tests and appointments that need to be done, and how you kind of don't have a choice with them, that make it difficult.

(((Liese))) That's almost exactly what happened, except in my case, he said, "Nah, don't fast, but you may want to have a protein type breakfast, like eggs and ham or something." Unfortunately, I forgot until it was too late to have that available to eat, because my appointment was right after dropping Boo to school. I'm also pissed that I had to chug the drink in less than 30 seconds, because of the huge line for lab work and the lady before me took several minutes drinking hers while I waited. I imagine that could have been a factor. I'm trying to decide whether to plead for a retest...

(((cnfusd))) I'm less scared about having it or having a big baby. They run in our family and the only reason my first daughter was average was that she had a single umbilical artery, which restricts growth (once she was out, she exploded into the 90-95th percentile). It's more that...I'm so massively triggered by this in ways that have almost absolutely nothing to do with the testing (other than hating people doing things to my body) or the results. And I don't know how to make all this rage about unrelated things stop manifesting here.

The thing that makes me angriest, is they used a cutoff 10 points lower than the one I've read about everywhere...and if that cutoff was used, I was over by literally two points (or 1%), after having a full bowl of cereal for breakfast. Even if they use the lower cut off, it's still 1.1% over. Frowner

I can't decide whether I can ask them for a redo or not. I don't want to reveal how triggered I am about this, but on the other hand, I literally have been ***EATING TRIGGERS*** incapable of forcing myself to eat, which I've been having to do for half my meals lately, because I just have no appetite about half the time. I don't have an ED or anything. But, when I try to say, "OK, I need to eat now," and make myself do it, I have an anxiety attack and want to start crying. Frowner
I'm so sorry that you are going through a hard time with this. I have needed to do several of those 3 hr tests- twice (in 2 different pregnancies) vomited shortly after the first hr and had to go back and do it again. Not fun. I second the music suggestion- once I took a laptop with a movie to watch.

How to get yourself there- as you say- at some point you will just do it, because you have to- I find it is often an impulsive moment when I can schedule some medical thing, and then its done... and then its almost an automatic thing that I just have to go. I sort of break it down - or try to just think about scheduling without thinking about actually going. I dont know if that makes any sense or not, but thats sort of how it can sometimes work for me.

As to eating- have you tried using Boost or something like that? I think its often easier to drink something (cold tastes better to me) than stare at a plate of solid food when I have no appetite.

Wishing you the best.
I found that pregnancy threw up loads of issues for me. It was a really triggering time.

For me, I felt vulnerable once the bump began to show - and as I got bigger I obviously couldn't run away if I wanted to. I found the medical tests etc difficult and having people comment on my body hard. I've struggled with aspects of ED's so that was also problematic in pregnancy.

During my last pregnancy I was diagnosed with GD - then 10 days later saw my consultant, who said it was just under the cut-off, so I was fine. ??!!?!?! My baby was fine 6lb 12oz (so I doubt any GD!).

I understand your feeling though - which is what I'm trying to say with all this rambling!

Hi (((Orange Pencil))). Thanks for replying. I don't think we met yet.

It turns out I don't have to do the three-hour test. I redid the one hour test and failed again by a little, so rather than put me through the three hour test, they just decided to call it GD. So, I have to do a two hour class, learn to prick-test myself regularly, meet with a nutritionist consistently over the next 15 weeks. I was massively triggered into an emotional flashback when I found out yesterday, just related to body stuff from childhood and feeling out of control.

I numbed out, then saw T, and got some comfort for the situation, but was having anxiety attacks and crying bouts off and on the rest of the day. I tried looking up what I'll have to do for my diet, but got really overwhelmed, because if they ask me to do six small, perfectly balanced/divided meals each day...there is just no way I can execute that. If they just say, "Here's your carb limit for the day and try to eat at least every three hours," I can probably handle it without getting overwhelmed. Unfortunately, financially, we had switched to very cheap (and not so healthy) foods it's a bit of a blow to have to go out and replace all that stuff with more expensive carbs, proteins and produce. But, it is what it is. And if I have to view myself as a human incubator to get through this and do what I need to be healthy for my girls (both the five-year-old and the one on the way), then I will. I always do what needs to be done.

Mostly, right now, I'm just super freaked out about having to do this long, group class, and then meet with the nutritionist all the time. It means keeping better track of my body and what's going on with it...and then talking it. I don't know, I've never worked with a nutritionist in my doctor's office, so I don't know if it would also mean being examined and/or touched more. I already had to confess to my OB vaguely that I had body trauma that makes every appointment difficult and now that he knows that, I'm scared to ever see him again. :/

My T thinks, as much as the timing sucks from the memories we've been talking about, that this is probably a good and needed thing for me to confront all this negative stuff about my body that I like to avoid being in it very much? And, of course, he'll be there for me to work through whatever feelings come up from it. Yesterday, it was much more rage than I thought I had, a lot of, "No!" inside me that got shut down and came pouring out to the point I was worried the preschool next door would think I was being attacked and call the cops, lol. T was great, though. He sat through the shut down, talked me through a few of my fears about the emotions this will stir up, and I got to the point where I was able to ask for a hug at the end, and kind of take in some comfort there.

And for one of the first times, I was able to do something different. Usually, if I get a hug or even verbal comfort from someone, my feelings shut down. My feelings shut down even being in someone's presence, so I can't feel my hurt in front of them. This time, I stayed with my awareness of how hard this feels. And I was able to tell him, "This has been a really $#!++4 week," and that it was hard and it hurts, and take in his compassion for my pain and feel the hug a little more than I usually do. When we did our goodbye hug after that, he gave me an extra tight squeeze, which was needed. I don't think I've taken in comfort from anyone in that way that I can remember. And it was still kind of surface-level, but it made a difference.

Anyway, the only way out is through, so I'm just going to try to take it one day at a time for now. Today: shopping trip to stock up on some healthier carbs. Tomorrow, try to survive church service (and BBQ after, if I'm able to handle being around people, or decide to self-care by going home if I'm not). Monday, I get to see T again. I don't want to think anything past that to details like how I'm going to juggle my daughter's activities and whatever meal schedule they expect me to be on. If I do, I'll just collapse from overwhelm again...
(((s-b))) Sorry we cross-posted. Thanks for understanding. You've described what's most hard about it. My last pregnancy, I was so dissociated out of my mind and in a total compliance mode about everything. I ended up having a doctor who did things to my body without asking and barely warning me and who discounted my opinions about how I wanted to do things. That became it's own trigger. This time, I'm so much more in my body than I used to be and there are more appointments, so...ugh...

Yeah, I'm on the border too, but just above, so it is what it is. Frowner
I always say to my ladies who test positive for GD, that while it's a diagnosis no one wants, if you've got it it's a very good thing to know (due to a lot of increased risks for baby if undiagnosed and untreated).

I think anyone contemplating becoming a parent is damn brave. Being pregnant, becoming a mother often triggers up past stuff, and often in a very unexpected way. While I'm happy to be on the professional side of it all, it's not something I could ever do myself - I really do admire any women who take the plunge into motherhood.

I'm not sure if it will help in your situation or not, but what works for me sometimes is when I focus on the 'science' or 'facts' of something - learning about something (via research or just reading a lot about the topic) helps me keep some emotional distance and created a degree of stability. Do you think it might help you do the mechanics of 'eating' and 'taking care' if you focused on the 'science' of the diabetes?

sorry, I'm not very articulate right now, hope it made a little bit of sense ....
(((Eliza))) Thanks for replying, especially from such a unique perspective. Yes, as for the dietary aspect of it, I'm able to become very research/intellectually oriented. In terms of my panic about having to talk about my body or be touched, which I usually dissociate in the moment of the appointment and then collapse afterward, I haven't found a successful strategy yet. I'm already putting myself on as close as I can to what I've read is a "standard" GD diet. I was so borderline on my results, I'm hoping the nutritionist will give me something less restrictive. I can do fine with cutting things out of my diet, but structuring several small meals and snacks all having certain goals of protein/carb/fat is kind of overwhelming. So far, I can mostly stick to the carb goal for all the meals and just try to get a decent amount of Calories in, in the hopes of not losing weight with restricted carbs. If that's the expectation, I think I can handle it. If it's something along the lines of expecting me to have a certain number of proteins at particular meals along with carb goals, that will be much, much harder.

(((SP))) Totally, being pregnant for appointments is very triggering. But being pregnant and feeling a life moving inside of me is just as wonderful as last time, and to be able to share it with my older daughter (she finally felt her sister kick this week) is just the best. My labor, I think I was pretty dissociated, though more in a tranced sort of way. It really never got too painful even before I got an just got too tiring after not having slept well in days, being up 24+ hours straight and then having no progress at all for my first 14 hours... This pregnancy has been much harder than the last, so I'm hoping she gives me a break on the delivery, unlike my first, lol.

That is one thing for me to keep in perspective, though. I know, just like all the other things I've been through in the pregnancy, no matter what I have to face to meet my daughter and later whatever difficulties I face in raising her, it will be worth it every single moment of my life that I get to know her, just like it is with Boo.

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