Since the nurse called me to tell me I have to do the 2-3 hour version where I am not allowed to leave the lab and have to have my blood drawn multiple times, I have been irrationally angry. I seldom really get angry with other people, but when I do, I get self-destructive, so I'm dealing with that too. I am having strong feelings of defiance and wanting to refuse to go, which could be bad for me and the baby if I do somehow have gestational diabetes. So, obviously, I will at some point force myself to go. I had the same reaction to having to (re-)schedule a follow-up ultrasound I didn't want to do (did I mention I just don't like anything to do with my body?) and ultimately forced myself to do it somehow.
My mind is choosing the worst possible scenarios in which to finally be non-compliant with what others can "make" me do with my body.
One trigger is...I'm being told I HAVE to do something unpleasant to my body. And I feel outright defiant and angry to the point of wanting to scream at someone about it. Like, "NO! You can't do that to me! I won't just sit there for hours feeling awful because you put something in me that I didn't want and then let you poke me and take my blood out."
Another trigger is...I feel betrayed by my body for these test results that were just barely enough to make me do the horrible version of the test. And I just processed major memories where my body betrayed me by responding in ways I felt like it shouldn't. I'm pregnant and now I'm feeling so antagonistic toward my body that I don't want to eat. My appetite hasn't been great, but I've been making sure I eat regularly, and I feel like I...just can't...which is also awful for my baby...which means it's another thing I'm going to have to force myself to do.
All this is making me question...why the hell did I agree to try to get more into my body in the first place? It's just a mess! It's so much harder to force myself to take care of it when I'm even more aware of how much I can't stand it, save for the fact that I have an amazing young life growing inside of me and she needs this body to be healthy.
How do I get un-triggered so I can eat and schedule this test and do the things I need to do to make sure my baby and I are healthy?