quote:He then asked me why I didn't reach out when everything was going on. I told him I didn't want to bother him and he seemed frustrated at my response. He tried to explain I wouldn't bother him. I wasn't exactly hearing him at that time. I got very defensive and said I didn't need to reach out I can do it myself. It may have come out more along the lines of, "I didn't want or need to depend on you."
He then out of no where asks me what am I there for?
I don't think we have met yet. Welcome to the Board. My T, who I love and have a great relationship with has said the exact same thing to me as I quoted above. I can assure you he does not want me to leave and he really does want me to call him when I'm anxious, scared, freaking out, etc. He does not want me to suffer. It took a long time for me to accept that I should call him when I need him to help me. I grew up trying to solve all my own problems and trying to figure things out by myself when I should have had parental guidance. So now it's difficult to depend on him.
I think your T asked you that question "what are you there for?" to make YOU think about what you want from therapy and more importantly to express it to HIM. It made me stop and think about why I was there and what I needed (I likely knew what I needed/wanted but was too afraid to ask him). So I really tried to open up a little more and let him in. He has NEVER harmed me or deliberately hurt me in any way and he is forgiving and supportive and kind ... so why wouldn't I let him in? I need him.
It's been only a few sessions since that conversation and I have opened up and told him things that have been on my mind and it has been a very good experience and the result of this is that we feel closer and I can hold him with me for a longer period of time.
Your T does not want you to leave but he wants you to take a tiny step forward to doing the work you went there to do with him. The only thing that is holding you back and making you so resistant is your fear. You don't need to jump off the cliff but as my T told me... he is only asking me to step down one step with him there holding my hand. I won't be alone this time.
I do believe my T (most times) because my experience with him has been that he tells the truth. He is basically very honest and open with me. It does not solve anything and only hurts me to sit alone with my fears and pain. And by sharing this with him we become closer and more attached.
You sound like you care about your T and are probably attached to him. If you take that step to reach out to him you will make him very happy and proud of your courage to take this step. I'm not saying that you should just work to please him but in a relationship we both have to participate. You take the step and he responds to your needs. It works for both of you.
One tiny step at a time. Sometimes it just comes down to asking myself... "what is the worst thing that can happen if I reach out for T's comfort?" And I really can't think of anything bad. Only good.
Best to you
I can also see how it might feel he was meaning you shouldn't go or that he was frustrated with you, but i think it would pay to check this out with him - either by email or phone or when you see him next.
I also think it was a his way of trying to challenge you to break old habits / patterns - ie, you don't reach out, perhaps believing the other person doesn't want to hear from you; that you don't feel worthy enough to reach out. ... Here he is saying 'please do reach out, I want to know and I want to help'
quote:He did tell me as he was trying to draw me back in that it doesn't matter what I feel. Everything is perfectly acceptable. Damn him for that. I don't want to be attached. Why can't I just go back to not feeling and not remembering anything from the past?
Yes yes and yes. I can relate to all of this. If talking about the feelings seems impossible right now, then talk about the fear related to talking about the feelings. Eventually you will get there.
I wish you the best...