Life changes are happening. I'm searching for job, actually socializing, applying to my next stage of schooling, and all without my T now - which is the reason for this post. I'm stretching myself thin every day because of my current anemia; basically, I'm fighting exhaustion at every turn, and exhaustion always makes staying positive much more of a challenge for me with an ED history. So, I'm at a point of having two challenges: (1) What does recovery from ED mean and (2) how can I do it alone?
For challenge 1, I just keep hearing that even though I am doing well physically and even mentally, I am holding onto the ED because I still "hear" its thoughts. I don't act on them, but I do believe them. And, I am too exhausted to challenge them, so I just let them pass without action but also without a push for something to replace them. (I am then told that this is an excuse, that I'm just holding onto the thoughts for some reason.) It's just hard to know what recovery means, what "getting rid of the ED" actually entails once you are at a point of not acting on ED thoughts. No one seems to be able to answer this for me no matter how much I ask and my T finally admitted that I may never actually get rid of the thoughts, just quiet them more and more over years (she used to say that being free of the ED was possible, but perhaps she has seen how it is more of an instinct for me at this point). I just don't know what else they - my T, my family - mean when they say to get rid of the ED for good. Pretend like I don't hear its voice? Hide what I'm thinking so that I'm more alone with it? I don't have time to challenge my thoughts 24/7, so I just don't know what they are trying to communicate at this point.
For challenge 2, with my life changing, my schedule is crazy. I am running around all day every day and can't see my T. It's been 1 month now. She used to let me e-mail whenever I felt like emptying my mind, but I e-mailed her finally to say that I will not send any more e-mails until I know if I can actually be her client or not (I never know if it is client or patient because neither really captures the relationship appropriately). She used to work weekends, but that stopped 1 year ago, and I can't meet her schedule now. So, I'm really just alone with my thoughts. I don't actually have a friend that I am open with, and the one who is closest to being that kind of friend has a schedule that again doesn't match mine. I talk to my mom, and she says I've been in therapy so long I should be able to do this by myself and for myself now. She says that my T fighting the ED for me doesn't get rid of the ED - except I'm the one fighting every day as I choose to not act on the thoughts. I can't really afford my T, so we were only meeting twice per month, but now it's not even that and I don't feel e-mailing her is appropriate without paying her for appointments. I know cognitively that I have the tools and I can't rationally afford to see her, but I also know that seeing her keeps me on the right track, keeps me moving forward. She pushes me and encourages me in ways I don't get outside her office. I don't like being dependent on her for that or even missing her as much as I do - I wish she would know how much I missed her, how important she is to me even though she is so professionally distant, but then I realize how terrifying that dependency really is when I know our relationship is temporary and situational. I can't see anyone else because I have met with so many people who are just awful - literally abusive in one prior situation. Some do nothing, some use me for their problems, some result in negative outcomes, and one has emotionally beaten me - yet I returned and paid for that abuse for over one year before realizing it. Most don't know about or want to deal with EDs (it's more terrifying than suicidal ideation to a T because it is more deadly statistically), so they will treat everything else but refer me out for that issue - which is idiotic because you can't isolate the manifestation of the thoughts from the thoughts. I just hate feeling so alone and so dependent on that relationship I had built with my T - even though it took 2 years to trust her after the T abuse situation and I still struggle to fully disclose everything or even be myself or know what to say in her presence.
Well, that's just what's on my mind. Sorry for rambling, but I couldn't stand holding it all in.