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I wrote out a load of stuff but I felt too vulnerable to post it.

Basically I coughed up some trauma in my session today. I've been working towards it for a while with my T's support. I've talked about it before but I've never really been in a position to process it from within a stable therapeutic relationship and the subject remains an uncomfortable knot that I've managed by walling it off. The last fly by I did with a previous T helped me view what happened in a different light but it didn't shift a lot of the feelings. I'm hoping that this latest foray, almost 16 years since it happened will help me make a dent in a lot of the guilt and self-blame I still experience.

It's hard though and I feel rotten this evening after an initial sense of euphoria for managing to actually name some of it.

It's triggered a lot of young maternal transference stuff too, for lack of a better description, which isn't wildly surprising but that hurts too. I'm not doing too well with that yearning and the aching sense of loss. I know most of you will get what I mean.

Could do with some virtual hugs.
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((Mallard)) I know the guilt and self-blame can feel so strong, but please remember it wasn't your fault, it was something done to you. I'm sorry about the pain, but it won't always feel like this. Getting it out and allowing yourself to experience these feelings with your T is what will heal you. You'll be in my thoughts, sending lots of love.

Thank you, everyone. I journalled some more and that helped. It is unfortunate that the feelings that got elicited because of the therapy session then got attached to an event that happened during the day at work. It is really odd. I am not actually feeling that bad about the old trauma but I feel disproportionately shit about the thing that happened at work. Weird how our minds work; I guess it is because it was easier for the feelings of guilt, shame and not being able to trust my own judgement to attach to something fresh and immediate rather than what happened 16 years ago.

Anyone else ever have that happen?

AG, I like the smiley design. It is quite mesmerising!
Honestly Jillann, it's a lifeline. Nothing fancy, just a password protected document on my computer that I open up and dump random crap into related to therapy. Funny though, even with that safety in place I still struggle with self-censoring.

Just wanted to say more thank yous. I know I have been a bit absent cause of work and college and vacation so it is even more touching that people responded. You are caring souls.

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