Sent. Thanks a bunch. My next session isnt till next Thursday so you have plenty of time.

If anyone else would like to read it, let me know.

Hi everyone,

I can see that there haven't been any new posts on this thread in a while, but this is the thread that helped me find this whole website, and the main reason I went looking for answers online.

I've been in therapy for about six months, and I think I've been feeling transference with my therapist. I did not understand what was going on with my emotions, so I did some research online and finally found out about "transference." I am thankful to everyone on here for showing me that I am not crazy, that these feelings are normal and happen to lots of people. That in itself is comforting.

Lately I have been having a lot of anxiety (in general and) about my life (finding a job in my field, dealing with a relationship that is ending, not having much of a social life, etc..) I find that I feel much better after a therapy session, and this seems to be the only time I feel good at all.

So therapy (and my therapist) is ALL I can think about. I think about my therapist every day. I have spent a lot of time googling her (all searches always come up with nothing, and yet I keep it up.) I have driven to her office on a couple occasions when I did not have an appt scheduled. I can't even explain why I did this, it's as if I had no control over my actions. Once I was there I got terrified that she would walk out at any moment, see me, and wonder what I was doing there, so I left quickly. I felt like such a stalker.

I feel an intense curiosity about her and her life outside of therapy. What would she say and/or do if I were to see her in the grocery store, for instance? We live in the same town so that is a real possibility. Would she be the same warm, caring person she is when we are in session? Or would she brush me aside (I don't think so, but I sometimes wonder if she is genuinely interested in me, or if I am just "part of the job.") I guess I suffer from low self esteem, as well as anxiety.

I find I am struggling with the one-sided-ness of our conversations. She does share some things about herself from time to time, when it will help her make a point or show me that I am not alone, etc. So I do not feel like she is deliberately hiding anything from me. I have just never asked her about herself, because I didn't know what (if anything) would be appropriate, and I would hate to have her tell me she didn't want to share something.

I do not want anything sexual. And I know I can't be her friend, but I still want more from her emotionally. I think. I don't actually understand all of what I am feeling so I don't know exactly what would make it better. But I feel like I want to go to therapy every day. I haven't asked if we could start doing two sessions per week instead of just one. I'm not sure if that would be acceptable and I don't think I could handle it right now if she said no.

I don't understand these feelings! I did not have a traumatic childhood, I was not neglected or abused, or anything I can think of where these feelings could be coming from. I am frustrated, as one person in this thread said, that no one told me that this would (or could) happen. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced...very strange and unexpected, and yet very intense.

I am afraid to tell my therapist about these feelings because I just can't imagine talking so candidly about such intense feelings in the present- it's easier to talk about the past. It's also easier to talk about other people or other things rather than what, or who, is right in front of me. And then the fear of not knowing how she will respond. I believe she would respond in an appropriate manner....I think she is well educated and experienced and therefore probably has had clients experience this before. And I realize that from what I have read on here that this is probably most important to talk about, but I cannot see myself doing it. It is too scary. And embarassing. How do you work up to it?

Any responses would be greatly appreciated....thanks! Sorry so long, this is my first time on any type of forum...I just had to get these feelings out somehow.

Hi Coco...

I'm glad you found us and that what you read here was helpful. I am also pleased that you decided to post. I know it can be scary the first time but it will be worth it to join the community and share and get lots of support and understanding.

As you may have learned, all of what you feel and what you are doing we have all done too in one way or another. When you want to be near your T or you search on line for information you are proximity seeking... you long to be near her because this makes you feel calm and more secure. I believe she has become an attachment figure for you. You say you didn't have a traumatic childhood but perhaps you did not have a proper attachment to your parents/caregivers and this wound is unhealed and why you are reacting in this way regarding your T.

Have you read any of the threads on here about attachment? I would also recommend highly AG's (Attachment Girl) blog where she writes so well about feelings that develop in therapy with your therapist. There is a link for this on any of her posts.

I know it's scary to discuss all of this with your T. I would suggest that maybe you just ask her what she knows about attachment or attachment injury or insecure or unresolved attachments. If you feel that you need to be in therapy twice per week and that you feel you are working and have a lot to discuss or address then I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for twice a week sessions. I see my T twice a week and it really helps me to get from session to session.

I hope to hear more of your story and why you decided to go to therapy and I also hope you find support and reassurance here on the Board.

TN

Hey Coco!

I am feeling so uninspired right now that I really can't think of anything useful to tell you. Umm, transference sucks! Talking about it is really scary and usually feels humiliating to me. But...it can be done. My T says that when something is hard to talk about, it's OK to spend a while talking about the difficulty of talking itself. Weirdly, I've found this to actually help.

I hope you find lots of help here and certainly most of us know exactly what you are dealing with, which might make it a little more bearable.

Coco, hi.

I've been through some of what you are talking about. And, the feelings actually come and go (I've been with my T 21 months). They got pretty intense at some point in my early therapy and I did not talk about it with T (which I regret). I think it was just 3 months ago that I finally told her, "I just feel so attached to you." My T responded, "Why do you think that is?" In talking to her about my feelings, the intensity lessened, which was good for me, because it affected my daily life, thinking about her so much. I also had great worry about losing her (i.e. in ending therapy). She also comforted me by saying that her door is always open, and even if I took a break from therapy (or "ended" it) I could always go back.

quote:

How do you work up to it?

I think you may just do it when you feel ready. When you trust your T enough. When you are comfortable. It may just take time. I think it is a good sign that at the end of the session you feel pretty good.

Hi True North, BLT, and Ninn. Thank you for such speedy responses, and for such encouraging words and advice!

Have you read any of the threads on here about attachment?

I have read a bit about attachment, and honestly I don't really understand the difference between attachment and transference. They seem very similar to me, and similarly upsetting. I was not expecting anything like this to happen. I am still trying to just accept the fact that I even have these feelings, and how can they be real when I hardly know anything about my T?

I hope to hear more of your story and why you decided to go to therapy and I also hope you find support and reassurance here on the Board.

I started therapy originally because I was frustrated at always trying to lose weight and never reaching my goal. I am not severely overweight, and would often come within 5 or 10 pounds of my goal and then everything would change and I would gain weight again. I have realized since I started therapy that for me it is not really about the weight at all, but rather about being happy with my body and myself the way I am.

My T pointed out to me that I have low self esteem, and self confidence, so that is one thing I have been working on with her. I have also learned that I have issues with codependency, and this is another problem for me that I am trying to work on. But again, I don't understand where it came from as I was not abused as a child and there have never been alcoholics in my life. The one thing I can think of is that my mom has always been codependent/anxious/overprotecting/I-don't-want-to-disappoint-her. So maybe I just learned it all from her....that could maybe explain the attachment issues too I guess...

I also have a lot of anxiety, which seemed to get better for a while, but now that I am feeling this way about my T it has come back fairly strong. Whenever I even consider talking to her about this my chest tightens and heart starts to race and I have to try to just breathe through it. It's not sudden like panic attacks, it's more like a constant ache that only seems to go away occasionally.

Ultimately, I overeat, or eat comfort or sugary foods in order to try to feel better, so the weight and body issues will probably not be resolved until I am feeling better in general and more steady and grounded with my emotions.

TN[/QUOTE]

I tried reply with quotes from True North, but it didn't quite work right...can anyone tell me how to do this?

Also, BLT mentioned talking about the weirdness of talking. This sounds much more doable to me right now since it is really the talking about it that is freaking me out right now. thanks!

I have a session later today, and I am not planning on bringing up any transference or attachment issues (I am not ready yet), but maybe I will try sometime soon.

Hi Coco,
Welcome to the forums.

In order to quote someone, you click on the quotes button at the top of the reply window (there's a row of brown buttons). that will place the word quote in brackets followed by the word quote preceded by a backslash in brackets. Copy the text you want to quote, then click in the space between the ending bracket of the first quote and the beginning bracket of the ending quote quote] <click here>[/quo (I only used part of it since typing the whole thing would get it parsed). Then paste in the text (Ctrl-V).

As far as transference and attachment, I can see where there is some confusion as often the two go hand in hand. Attachment refers to our relationship to our therapist, in that for some people, the therapist becomes a "stronger, wiser other" upon whom we feel like we can depend to help us feel safe and handle our feelings. Once that attachment starts to form, people with insecure attachment styles tend to "transfer" the dynamics of their earliest interactions with their primary caregivers in childhood on to the relationship with the therapist. The therapeutic relationship functions on two levels: the real and symbolic. The real is about the here and now actual interactions while the symbolic is about the feelings and expectations you bring because of your past. It can be confusing and difficult to sort them out.

I know TN recommended reading my blog (Thanks TN! ) and I really think the article Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You're Crazy but You Aren't? might really help.

AG

Coco, I have had a hard time too distinguishing between transference and attachment. There is so much overlap between the two.

Attachment can refer to any very close relationship such as a romantic partnership, but is most commonly refers to the relationship between a child and caregiver. Depending on personal history, the style of a therapist, and other factors, many of us form a kind of attachment relationship with our T's. Essentially the reason this happens is that we are trying to get from out T's something that we needed but didn't get from our parents when we were smaller. It doesn't mean you necessarily had an awful childhood. For example, I had a generally happy childhood, but my mother was emotionally volatile when I was little and I didn't feel like I could rely on my parents to be a stable base for me emotionally (they had their own problems), so I attached to my T trying to get this security I didn't have. Other people might have felt their parents didn't fully understand or pay attention to them in some way, or that they didn't do enough to affirm their worth, and look for these things in a T also.

You'll also hear people talk about "secure" versus "insecure" attachment and different attachment "styles." There is only one kind of secure attachment, which means that as a child you felt safe knowing that your caregiver would be there for you. In terms of insecure attachment, it's usually divided into three types: anxious/preoccupied, avoidant/dismissive, and disorganized. Anxious attachment means you behave in a clingy way because you're constantly afraid of your attachment figure not being there for you when needed. Avoidant means that you act as though you don't need close relationships at all, because your caregiver was so unavailable that you simply gave up on the whole thing and became very independent. Disorganized is the rarest type and means that you were actually afraid of your own caregiver (usually because of abuse) and so you weren't sure whether to move towards them to get the comfort of being close to someone, or to avoid them to avoid getting hurt. In practice some people might have a combination of these styles, depending on the circumstance.

Transference basically means that feelings, expectations, or dynamics from a previous relationship get transfered onto someone else, like your T. An example would be that if my parents yelled at me when I cried, I might be afraid to cry in front of my T and expect her to react in the same way. Transference actually happens all the time with people in our lives, but it can become amplified in therapy and therefore be more obvious.

The way these overlap is that if we do become attached to a T, it usually results in a LOT of very strong transference. All our longings, fears, expectations, etc. about our parents from our childhoods tend to play out all over again in our relationship with our T's. And whatever attachment style we had with our parents when we were little will usually transfer to our T's as well.

I hope that helped a little... It can still be really confusing at times.

Hi Coco, welcome to the forums!

Ah transference, been there, done that, got the t-shirt, like they say. Actually I'm still very much there. I've also been seeing my T for 6 months now, but I came across transference feelings sooner than that, maybe 2 months into therapy. Reading about everyone else's experience here helped immensely to feel "normal" and okay about it, having those kind of feelings about your T is so common and actually a sign that therapy is going well! I also suggest you read AG's blog and the threads here related to transference, post if you have questions or doubts, being informed about it is the best thing you can do to stop being afraid of it. I remember feeling "cheated" because I never knew feeling this way about a T could happen! It can be really scary.

But the truth is you and your T are both in a relationship, a therapeutic one yes, but nevertheless a relationship, of course people have feelings about it. I think about him ALL the time too, he has a little sofa in my right side lobe

Driving past a T's office outside therapy times is something I've read loads here, you're certainly not alone on that. The most I've done was googling him and finding his website (he asked before if I've seen it so I think he actually wanted me to look him up) and some of his articles. I ended up blocking his site from my computer, I don't want to be tempted to look him up. Sometimes I'm also scared that maybe one of these days these feelings will go out of proportion and I'll lose control/go completely insane and invade his privacy and behave inappropriately towards him, maybe he'll call the police and get angry at me and I'll never see him again. But I think this is a thought that comes from the fear of being rejected after exposing myself and my feelings to him.

Even if my feelings for him escalated to a point where I can't help myself and my actions I certainly wouldn't be the first nor the last.

I've never told him directly about my transference but I have mentioned that I do like to talk to him and that I find him interesting, and I found out that talking about it does help to regulate these emotions.

Best of luck to you Coco, and I hope I'll see you around

Thank you AG for showing me how to quote, and also for your blog. I read the attachment link you posted and it was very interesting. I definitely relate to a lot of what you wrote, although I haven't told T about any of it.

BLT, thank you for the very clear description of attachments, that was very helpful. I am still a little confused about where attachment ends and transference begins, but I understand a little more now.

quote:

I came across transference feelings sooner than that, maybe 2 months into therapy.

Sometimes I'm also scared that maybe one of these days these feelings will go out of proportion and I'll lose control/go completely insane and invade his privacy and behave inappropriately towards him, maybe he'll call the police and get angry at me and I'll never see him again. But I think this is a thought that comes from the fear of being rejected after exposing myself and my feelings to him.

Eliana, I also started to feel these feelings much earlier on, but I dismissed them because they didn't make sense to me, and I thought it would pass. But in the past few weeks it's only gotten much much stronger, and I also fear that the feelings will get out of control causing me to invade T's privacy (which is not something I would ever do on purpose.) I just feel like I can't control my thoughts and feelings, and that is very frightening. But I agree that it probably stems from a fear of rejection.

It does help to know that I am not the only one experiencing this. I never knew until now that it was so common. I am glad I decided to post, and thankful for all of the responses. Makes me feel like I matter :-)

quote:

I remember feeling "cheated" because I never knew feeling this way about a T could happen! It can be really scary.

So true, same here! "Blind-sided" is the word that comes to mind! I've been in therapy for about 11 months now, and I'm JUST NOW starting to recognize the tsunami of emotions for what they are; transference for what it is, and that my feelings TOWARDS my therapist aren't always about him.

Starry

Does anyone have any other suggestions about how to start the attachment/transference conversation with T? I know many people have said to ask what they know about it, but this seems rather unnatural to me.

I want to bring it up because then maybe I can start to get past it, but I am so embarassed. Not to mention frightened. But my T is all I can think about every day, so something's gotta give.

Start with "this is embarrassing" and then blunder your way through somehow. At least, that's the only way I've ever managed it

hi, Coco. i took the cowardly route and sent an email. then we talked about it, a little. we had actually talked about transference prior to that. it was more of a negative transference then, though (of which i still struggle ... i like HIM, it's more of an issue with authorigy figures of which he fits the bill). the email was more of an unveiling of my feelings of attachment towards him. i knew if i didn't sent an email i'd never actually bring it up myself in session so it's not like i had much of a choice. i HAD to do something because like you, he was ALL i could think about and it became rather excruciating. i know your feelings of embarassment and being scared, but this is what therapy really is about, is the relationship between you and your T. i hate it, too. but that is what it's about, and i still have to remind myself of that. you can do it, and trust me you'll be glad you did. the intense longing has eased a LOT though it can still rear it's head, but not so strong anymore. that may change, but i took the first step and it helped alot. i hope this helps. i dont' know what else to say. i wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do, but i do encourage you to discuss this with your T. it'll be a scary session to go to, but you'll be so glad you brought it up afterwards. good luck and hugs!

Have you tested the field at all with your T? I know some Ts will disregard feelings of transference completely while others think is the best thing since sliced bread. Do you have any idea what are your T's feelings about it? Has your relationship even been mentioned?
If so you can always say "there's something I should tell you but I'm not sure how" or mention how you've been feeling intense about the sessions. Nothing wrong with beating around the bush for a while if you feel insecure about it :P
And like closed doors mentioned, you could write it down and hand it to your T, maybe that would be easier. Let us know how it goes please! I actually feel nervous for you as I'm in the same situation!

quote:

Have you tested the field at all with your T? ... Do you have any idea what are your T's feelings about it? Has your relationship even been mentioned?

We have never really talked about our relationship, that is partly why I am so scared. Although, on her website she does say that she believes that a strong client-therapist relationship is the key to success. So I guess that is encouraging, but still vague.

Really I have no idea how she will respond. I will probably end up doing a combination of what everyone has been saying...sending a vague email, then beating around the bush in the session, and eventually blundering my way through it. I think I like the email idea, that way she can have a warning. And she has encouraged me to email her if I need any extra support between sessions, which I am thankful for because I've read on here that some therapists don't allow any contact.

These are all good suggestions...now any idea how to not be afraid or embarassed? <---rhetorical question, I don't think there's any getting around it.

sorry, Coco ... dont' think there's a way around that one. them's your feelings and they're normal and okay and you're not alone. i know first-hand it's scary, but from what is said on your Ts website you'll do just fine. keep us posted, and good luck to you!

I did it! I told my T about how attached I feel to her, and it wasn't the end of the world! (HUGE sigh of relief....PHEW!)

I was SO scared and nervous and my face was bright red. But she was so calm and understanding, telling me it's perfectly normal and that talking about it is the best thing I could do. She said she was proud of me and that I was very Brave. (ahhh, I think I love her even more now....) Such a good session, and it's weird to think that it started out with one of the hardest things I've ever done.

((((COCO)))))

That's Great!

Thanks, guys!

Hi everyone!

Things have been going pretty well with my therapist in terms of transference/attachment lately. However, i think i just made a huge mistake and im kind of freaking out about it.

I was really bored and lonely tonight so i decided to google my therapist's name just to see what pops up. Ive done this so many times and have never found anything significant. However, this time i did a little more digging and managed to find a little blurb that mentions her husbands name. Of course i was curious, so i googled her husband's name, and managed to find his facebook account. Then through his facebook account, i managed to find my therapists facebook account. Im feeling so pathetic and guilty right now. My therapist doesnt use her full name on facebook, so clearly she doesnt want people finding her, yet im such a stalker that i was able to. I feel like i really invaded her privacy and that ive really gone too far and hit a new low.

I dont know what to do now, this is really depressing me, i just feel so guilty for what ive done. Ive been able to be pretty honest with her during our sessions, but i dont know if i can get the courage to bring this up. This is really stalker territory, and there is a chance that this really freaks her out and she asks me to see someone else. At the same time, if i dont bring it up, i will feel even more guilty. I really hate myself right now. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks

PS. My therapist is leaving me soon for the summer, and im not sure how and if ill be able to handle it. The longest ive gone without seeing her was 3 weeks, and that was torture.

Hi Josh,
I agree with Dragonfly; please don't be too hard on yourself about this. I did a similar thing a few weeks ago and immediately I'd done it I wished I hadn't. I beat myself into a lather over it and sent my T. an e-mail apologising and telling her what I had done two days later, even offering to terminate my sessions. She responded by saying it was no big deal and no harm was done. I apologised again in person at my next session and all was forgotton since.
Tell your T if you feel you can, but don't worry and don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong.

Hi josh,

I also agree with Dragonfly and avoidant. Telling her is probably your best option. She should know that anything online is fair game (unless you hacked in by guessing a password or you are some computer genius or something... then maybe it's more of a gray area.) But the thing about transference is that it really feels like you can't control what you're doing.

I told my T about looking her up online and she didn't ask me about anything further. So I didn't end up telling her (as I planned) about finding her Pinterest account and from there finding her Facebook (but I can only see the front page because of her privacy settings, so it's only two pictures.) I did tell her I felt like a stalker and that I didn't want to feel that way and that I didn't mean to do these things.

I told her that sometimes I drive to her office building and sit in my car for a few minutes.... then I sort of "wake up" and realize I'm there and think "what I am doing?" Then I leave.

She didn't seem to think any of it was a problem. I said I was afraid I was being inappropriate and she said she thought it was totally normal and everything I felt was appropriate.

Perhaps if you started by telling her you are worried about her leaving and then bringing up the online stuff? Would that make it easier?

Like the others said, don't be too hard on yourself, transference is not easy to handle and we can only ever do our best.

Hugs and good luck!

Thanks for the advice Dragonfly, avoidant, and Coco. Im definitely going to mention it tomorrow at our next session. Im still feeling super guilty though, and just want to get this over with. All i want her to say is that she forgives me. There is still a big part of me that thinks ive crossed the line, and that she will ask me to see someone else, which of course i would never be able to handle. And then i would never forgive myself for mentioning it.

Ill keep you guys updated. Tomorrows session could not come soon enough....

Just a quick update. So i told her everything today. I feel that she took it well. She actually asked me what exactly i found out, she said she was curious. Anyways, i told her that i felt super guilty and was just looking for her forgiveness. She said that it wasnt her job to forgive me (whatever that means), but she wasnt angry at me. She also put to rest my fear that she might ask me to see someone else because of this by saying that this is very normal and that she feels this is something we can work through together.

Thanks for helping me through this guys.

Glad it turned out OK!!!

Hello. I just read the article and many of the forum posts about this topic- Highly informative/interesting stuff! Just to let you know a bit about my own experience... I am a married guy in therapy with a woman who is around my same age. I don't want to go in to too much detail, because it's a small world, but basically I have been dealing with transference for awhile now. I fit all the classic criteria for this problem, and I've researched it enough to identify where it comes from. I just wanted to pose a question to those who have dealt with it or possibly even a therapist who might see this. Is there a way for me to process this on my own without telling her? I mean is there a book out there or something that might give me a better grasp of how to overcome it? It would simply be too humiliating to even approach the subject with her! Not to mention the fact that I really think she's a great therapist! I don't want to go to all the trouble of starting over with someone else! If I told her about it one of two things would happen- Either she would terminate or try to help me with it. Or I would terminate shortly thereafter out of embarrassment. Either way it would end. I'm not so delusional that I believe that there is even the slightest chance anything could ever come of it with her, so at least I have that part covered. It is simply another brick in the ever growing brick wall of issues that I have. Not to mention the fact that I love my wife! But I already know enough to know that this whole transference thing is all about a missing parental connection. I'm a reasonably intelligent person. Just point me to the book I need to be reading right now? Please?

Hi soandso,

I love your name! and welcome to the forum. I wish I could tell you that reading a book will resolve the feelings, but unfortunately I really don't think it will. There's another thread on this forum about ending transference feelings and several of us that have posted there about reading Deborah Lott's book about transference, "In session." It focuses on women in therapy but you may find it helpful in terms of learning more about how others experience and work through transference. I bought it several years ago when I thought my P was going to terminate me, so, like you, I wanted a book to help me through. It was helpful and I need to re-read it, but reading a book isn't the same as processing feelings within the safety of therapy.

When I had extreme transference for my 1st P, I was never able to work through it with him because he ended his practice abruptly. I read all sorts of books to help me cope with the feelings I was left with. One of my favorites was "Good enough endings" because it helped me understand the value of working through the feelings before ending therapy, which is one reason I continued to try and find a T or P who could help me.

I understand the fear of being terminated for expressing your feelings, but most Ts and Ps are trained in how to handle this and she may be waiting for you to open up the topic. I know it feels very risky to open up about all of this with your T, because I'm at that point in therapy with my P.

Summer

Hi Soandso,
Welcome to the forums!

I very much agree with what Summer said. The problem is that these kind of intense feelings for a therapist usually have their roots in how we experienced relationships as a child. So there are two problems with trying to handle it ourselves.

Human beings cannot know themselves out of relationship and this is doubly true if we're struggling to understand and bring to consciousness, our unconscious patterns and behaviors (the ones that were formed during our early experience). In order for our therapist to gain insight and understanding into our behavior, we have to show them what is going on, very much including the feelings we are having for them. Therapists hold a deeply symbolic significance and often our reactions to them are very much rooted in our earliest experiences with our parents.

The other difficult aspect is that healing from this isn't about cognitive, explicit learning. I'm with you, I'd much rather be able to just find the right book. But how we change in therapy, especially in this area, is to have a right brain to right brain experience, while expressing our feelings and being heard and understood. By doing this, we explicitly learn a lot of the skills we need to and new ways of relating. We were injured in relationship and it is in relationship that we heal. Just from reading what you wrote, its sounds like you actually have a pretty good handle on what is going on, it's not lack of understanding that is making this hard. It's the fact that no matter how well we understand, we still have to feel the emotions and risk expressing them in order to heal.

I know it's very hard to speak about this, I seriously thought my T was going to terminate me when i told him how I felt. Turned out to be one of the best things I ever did. It has been very difficult, but I've been able to work through the feelings and my marriage is in better shape than it has ever been because risking and opening up to my T about these feelings has helped me learned to move closer in relationship. I would really urge you to talk to your T about these feelings.

AG

Thanks for the response Summer! I will certainly check out the books you mentioned. And yes, termination is definitely a concern. But honestly I think my T would probably handle it as professionally as she has handled everything else we've dealt with. I'm actually more afraid that I will terminate therapy with her because I'll be too humiliated to go back! I'm sorry you have experienced this nightmare yourself. Hope that you find success processing things with your current P.

Thanks for your thorough/insightful response Attachment Girl. As I said in my response to Summer-- I'm honestly more worried about my own response to telling than I am about her response. If she remains true to form, she'd probably be immensely supportive and understanding in helping me deal with it. The problem is I'd be so humiliated that I would stop going. Sometimes I really wish I could just get a therapist to help me deal with therapy!

I do understand what you're saying re: allowing ourselves to feel the emotions and risk expressing them... Unfortunately I have to weigh the pros and cons. She is helping me a great deal with the issues I brought to therapy to begin with. Her support has been absolutely vital to my mental health over the course of the last several months. So not only would I be risking the humiliation, I'd be risking my own stability right now. If I told her right now it would feel like I was pushing the self destruct button. Then on the other hand the transference is so consuming sometimes, it already sort of feels like that.

I appreciate the advice/help. And I am sorry that you had to go through transference yourself. I'm glad that it turned in to something more positive for you though!

A thought just occurred to me- Is there some way to deal with transference with your therapist without making the transference be about your therapist? Like if I could somehow deal with the underlying root causes of the problem? Maybe I could ask her if we could focus on childhood in some way? This is why a book that really delved in to the issue more deeply would be so helpful. Then I could try to get in tune with where it is coming from on a deeper level and bring those deeper issues up in therapy. Maybe that seems a bit dishonest, but bypassing the whole part of the conversation where I have to admit to having embarrassing feelings for her would make it so much easier! According to this whole concept of transference this is all rooted in my early experiences to begin with, so why are these delusional misplaced feelings of affection even important? The underlying issues are what need to be dealt with right? So maybe I just pinpoint what those are and bring those up to her? I'm just grasping at straws here. It all makes perfect sense in my head though!

Hi Attachment Girl, I seek your advice in regard to my intense feelings for my T. I understand how unique and precious the client/therapist relationship is. Her attentiveness, kindness and "holding" environment created has "swept me off my feet"! I now believe I am addicted to the dynamics of psychotherapy. Ironically, I'm seeing her for grief counselling. The attachment is sooooooo strong I don't want it to end! When it does end, I fear I will be going down the same path again, i.e. the pain of the loss of someone significant to me. I've been seeing her since the middle of last year, and I've expressed my dependency issues with her, and I have said that I need to work on them and try to overcome them. After verbalising my feelings, I experienced the worst fear possible, the fear of abandonment by my T. My fears haven't been realised, she's still travelling with me, and remains professional at all times. How can I weaken my feelings for her? Talking to her about my level of dependency has only intensified my feelings, i.e. obsessive thoughts. Do these obsessive thoughts (about my T) stem from anxiety connected to my grief? It is such a painful process, i.e. grief therapy and my feelings for her. In some ways I regret commencing the therapy, as I appear to have dug myself an even deeper hole! Any comments from you or anyone would be gratefully received! Abyss

Soandso, I just wanted to add that one of the best things I have gotten out of therapy is a greater tolerance for talking about things that felt "too embarrassing" to possibly face. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but talking to your T about embarrassing feelings can be incredibly healing. Don't miss that chance! It will be easier and less painful than you expect once you try it the first time.

(((SOANDSO))))

I have had the same desire many times: the wish to bypass something related to my T and just go around it. But somehow it doesn't go and away and just becomes the big elephant in the room. It was hard for me at first to reveal my feelings to my T and then go back and face him. Very hard. But it's gotten easier because he has been so accepting. Now I really trust that he's not going to turn on me or humiliate me in any way.

There are people out there who believe that, though the templates for this stuff was laid out in childhood, the feelings are very real and very much about the here and now. If I read Deborah Lott correctly, there has been a bit of a shift in terms of just chalking it all up to "transference" - which many women didn't find too helpful. As opposed to acknowledging the real feelings going on in the room between the client and the T. She seemed to find that the women who were able to work through it the best had T's took the middle road (I don't not love you but I don't LOVE you) but also acknowledged their own feelings for the client - albeit with restraint. And she seemed to indicate that our feelings just don't come out of nowhere. The T has a very real presence and as much as they try, their unconscious stuff enters the room and has an impact on us. It's a constant flow back and forth.

I wonder if you do decide to tell your T how you feel, if you can also share with her how you might feel coming back to face her, that you are afraid you will terminate. Maybe there is something she could say or do that might reassure you.

Nice to meet you btw.

((((ABYSS))))

Just wanted to send big hugs and let you know that I too experience the pain of transference and the obsessive thoughts. The question you pose is a good one about it being related to grief. I have read that "people like us" (doing a lot of inferring here) have a lot of unresolved grief. I've often felt the same way about loss that you do. I didn't enter into this relationship to fall in love only to find that I can't have and then to face the ultimate end anyway. Sometimes I do find that I tend to obsess more when I am anxious about something going on IRL or there's something that's difficult to face. Or when I just don't want to face the reality of my life at all - which is often, unfortunately.

Liese

Thanks BLT and Liese for your responses.

Liese: Interesting stuff re: Deborah Lott. I know that there are real feelings happening in the room with my T. Honestly that is the hardest part. I've basically convinced myself that I am delusional regarding her because that makes it easier to disconnect the emotion I am trying so hard to fight. But when I allow myself to think about the real things that triggered this to begin with, it is even more scary! Truth is I think my therapist and I have a lot in common from the things I've picked up over time about her personality/background. The reality for me is that if I wasn't married, and she wasn't my therapist, I think we might be very compatible human beings. She has responded to things about my life and my situation with some pretty unguarded reactions. In fact very often she even comments about reeling in her own reactions in session. I'm not an egotistical person whatsoever, but from a purely objective standpoint I think there is something about me that is triggering some sort emotion for her as well. Whatever that emotion is I don't know, and probably never will. I'm almost to the place that I feel like I should just stop sessions with her and find a male therapist. But then I'd feel like a jerk for terminating sessions with her without explanation. To answer your question, there probably is very little she'd be able to say to reassure me.

quote:

A thought just occurred to me- Is there some way to deal with transference with your therapist without making the transference be about your therapist? Like if I could somehow deal with the underlying root causes of the problem? Maybe I could ask her if we could focus on childhood in some way? This is why a book that really delved in to the issue more deeply would be so helpful. Then I could try to get in tune with where it is coming from on a deeper level and bring those deeper issues up in therapy. Maybe that seems a bit dishonest, but bypassing the whole part of the conversation where I have to admit to having embarrassing feelings for her would make it so much easier! According to this whole concept of transference this is all rooted in my early experiences to begin with, so why are these delusional misplaced feelings of affection even important? The underlying issues are what need to be dealt with right? So maybe I just pinpoint what those are and bring those up to her? I'm just grasping at straws here. It all makes perfect sense in my head though!

Soandso,
First I want to tell you that I DEEPLY understand you're wanting to find a clean solution that does not involve talking about these feelings. There have been many times where talking about these feelings has been embarrassing or felt humiliating. I have lost track of how many times I have complained to my therapist that my intellectual understanding of the process does not exempt me from having to talk about these feelings.

But if may gently point out, I think there is a flaw in your logic. These feelings are not delusional, they are real and you are really having them about your therapist. It's just that the intensity is fed by your formative experiences. Think of it as your interactions with your T are plucking a string that is vibrating at a frequency that is causing a lot of strings around it to also resonate, so the resulting sound is SO much louder.

Your feelings here and now, IN the relationship with your therapist, is how your unconscious is revealed. Our therapist observe our behaviors, looking for patterns to explore, which is how we can bring to light our deeper motivations, feelings and fears. My work with my T has been an intricate weaving between present and past. The starting point is how I am feeling about him and his actions and our relationship. Trying to understand those feelings often leads me to things in my past, some of them long buried and disavowed. When they come forth I am able to own them and fit them into my story and make sense of them and that helps to rob them of their intensity. But, I hasten to add in my experience, my feelings about my T have been the roadmap, and the compass which have allowed me to "see" the understanding issues.

So I understand your hesitation about speaking, and I also totally respect that this is your decision to speak or not speak and if you do decide to speak, to decide the time. I'm just not sure there's a way around the speaking that will allow you to get to what's underneath.

AG