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JM and AG,
Well, I did it!!...I really did it!!..And I am here to tell you it was the hardest thing I have done in many mny years. I literally thought I was going to have a blackout. I paced the floor all day and cleaned my office so much I thought the staff was going to throw me out the window! I was so nervous!

I went in and set down for a minute and we talked about my weekly goals, then he asked me why I seemed so anxious. (I was shaking) I said, "Because I need to tell you something, but I need to ask you a few questions first."
I asked if he shared his notes about our sessions with my other doctors, and if he was allowed to talk to anyone about what I say in session. Then he reassured me he was not going to do that. I told him I was afraid if I told him I would get thrown out and asked him if he would do that or had he ever. He said I can't say if I don't know what for, so after a few minutes that seemed like 3 hours, I just said that I had been reading alot about tranference online, and I felt like I was having a problem with it myself about him! I told him I had fallen in love with him, he just said "Ok" then he asked my why...I told him that I wasn't sure, but him being "So damn sexy" sure wasn't helping!he said he had ran into some problems with transference before in hes sessions, and get this....he knew I was having these feelings the wholetime, but said if he had said it, I would have denied it and never been able to accept it or get help for it...I would have probably just quit coming...which is true!!

Again I asked him if I was getting dismissed from him for it, and he said no!!..Thank God!!. but he did tell me straight up that there were no mutual feelings, and he would not continue to let me see him if at anytime he felt any differently, or if I did not seem to be progressing because of my feelings!..but I felt like a boulder had been lifted off my shoulders. I couldn't believe the way we talked for the rest of the session It was awesome!!...Thank you guys for all the support!!..I could not have done it without the encouraging words that you have been sending to me everynight. I ran off th replies you have given me, and read them every chance I got today. It kept me pumped up in a positive mood...and I was able to pull it off!!!...I will write more tomorrow...I took some medication and I can barley see these keys..Thanks again! Charlotte
I am glad that the hardest part is over for you Charlotte. Would you throw something at me if I told you I was nervous for you? Big Grin Not because I thought for one minute that confronting this was a bad idea, but because I know how frightening it all can be. I must say that it sounds like your T took it all in a very warm and understanding manner and most importantly that he is going to maintain a highly professional level about your feelings. I love how he reassured you that the feeling is not mutual. While to some degree that may seem cold, it is a good indication that you can really trust him. You have a safe place to go with all these emotions and now you can begin to work through them. I am happy for you.

I look forward to hearing more later. But for now I must get ready for my last appointment with my T for 3 weeks! UGH!

JM
Charlotte,
That was just great to hear. Your T reacted well on the two most important things. He was able to hear and accept your feelings and he made it clear that the boundaries are clear and in place. Those are the two most significant factors in working through the transference.

That was very courageous of you to talk to him about him, and I'm really glad it turned out so well.

AG
Hello Everyone,
I have had a really rough day! I had several doctor appts today, and an EKG, MRI, MRA, and a C-Spine scan. I am worn out and will talk to you all tomorrow! I need everyone to pray hard they will find out some answers to my health issues. It has been going on since January. I am getting really stressed about all this! Have a wonderful night. Charlotte
HELLO ALL,
I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S THE RELIEF OF GETTING EVERYTHING OUT IN THE OPEN OR THE BUSY WEEK WITH ALL THE TESTING I HAVE BEEN THRU, BUT I HAVE BEEN RATHER RELAXED THIS WEEK WITHOUT SO MUCH ANIEXTY AND BEING SO DEPRESSED...STILL DEPRESSED BUT NOT AS MUCH...OF COURSE OUR SON CAME IN FOR 3 DAYS AND THAT WAS SUCH A SURPRISE Big Grin. WE ONLY SEE HIM ABOUT EVERY 3 MONTHS FOR A FEW HOURS OR 1 NIGHT IF WE ARE LUCKY!! WANTED TO LET YOU ALL KNOW THAT I MAY NOT BE ON THE FORUM NEXT WEEK. I HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL NEXT WEEK FOR 4 OR 5 DAYS.. Mad FOR SOME SEVERAL EXTENSIVE TEST. I PROBABLY WILL NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THE NET. Frowner ANNNNNNDDD I WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY T FOR OUR SESSION EITHER....AND THAT STINKS WORSE THAN THE TESTING! Mad. ANYWAY HOPE YOU ALL WILL REMEMBER ME IN A SHORT PRAYER THRU OUT THE WEEK. PRAY THEY WILL FIND OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME...THIS HAS GONE ON FOR WAY TO LONG NOW!! I WILL THINK OF YOU ALL, AND KEEP YOUR REQUEST NEXT TO MY HEART AS I PRAY...BUT I WILL TALK TO YOU OVER THE WEEKEND...SEE YA, CHARLOTTE
Hi Charlotte,
Sorry to hear you have to go in the hospital for extensive testing. I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like much fun. Smiler But I do hope they find out what's wrong with you, it must be hard wading through all these medical procedures without knowing where it's going. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers and we'll still be here when you once again have web access (I HATE no web access, I definitely go into withdrawal!)

AG
Hey all, It's me again...sorry to be so lame these past few days, but I have really been distredssed about the hospital deal...the tests can deal with, I have been having them for 8 months...BUT I can't bear the thought of not seeing my T this week! Mad I feel like a teenager that was stood up for a blind date. Is this normal with transference? I thought after I told him everything it would help me get over some of the attraction and need to see him unsparingly.. but that takes a while I guess...I even called the office 3 times today just to hear him speak on the machine...I have lost it!!!..It is still 11 days till I see him again...his office is across from the hospital and I asked him if he could stop by...but he said he didn't know if that was a good idea just now...I thought it was a really good idea of course..oh well, I will try to deal.. Roll Eyes I hope all of you have a rally good week and good sessions. I will really miss my new friends here and can't wait to get back to see how you all are doing. If the testing doesn't kill me the Internet withdrawals may Big Grin...until next week...Charlotte
Hi Charlotte,

You are NOT lame. Well then if you are we all are, at least that is the motto we’ve adopted here. Transference is as complicated as the emotions they are attached to. Don’t rush through them but allow yourself to experience them and work at the deeper things attached to it. Your T is just a stand in so to speak for all the vital connections you need to process. Let it be as intense as it needs to be. You are ok. That teenager being stood up for a blind date is a good analogy of the feelings that crisscross wildly through our minds and hearts. And yes, this is completely normal to have feelings that strong and even painful at times because of what they represent. When we are apart from our T’s it can actually feel heartbreaking and just as intense as the separation anxiety experienced by a toddler when his/her mother leaves temporarily. (Believe me this I know all too well)

That is very brave of you to ask your T to visit you in the hospital. That speaks volumes to the honesty and courage that you are willing to put forth and I believe that is very important to our therapeutic progress. So I think you are doing very well, especially in that department. It is also understandable that he may not be sure that is a good idea, but don’t forget that you can still call him while you are in the hospital.

We’ll be thinking of you and look forward to your return.

Take care!
JM
When I feel the pain of separation from my T I try to remember that it isn't all about missing her, it is also the release of the repressed pain from my past. I can't say that none of it is about her because she is a significant figure in my life now which I believe I would feel whether or not there was transference. But the majority of the pain I contribute to my unmet needs that have been allowed to surface. I have found that the only thing I can do is to let myself grieve for the past. Understanding this, the how and whys of transference, doesn't make it hurt less but it does remove the confusion and shame of the experience. By the way, all of this I learned from Attachment Girl, Just Me and Shrinklady (has anyone heard from her lately?). These wise women have been able to explain transference in a way I could really understand. Not that my T hasn't tried but as she is the object of the transference I have had a hard time talking to her directly about it. It has gotten easier lately and a lot of the transference I've experienced with other people has faded (what a relief that has been!) Thanks girls. Keep up the good work. Wink
Charlotte,
I agree, you are NOT being lame! We've all been there. I don't have much to add to what JM and River had said, (both wise women as River mentioned although she left herself out!) except that we understand. And I know it's hard for you that your T said he wouldn't come to the hospital but 1) That's a good indication that he has good boundaries which is seriously important when dealing with transference and 2) would be a great thing to discuss with him when you go back. both how you felt about it and why he said no. I find that much of the work in therapy gets done around discussing the things that happen in my relationship with my T and my feelings about them. It's pretty uncomfortable to talk about in the beginning because we're not used to being so open with someone about how we feel about what's going on in the relationship but it gets easier with time as you see that your T accepts and understands how you feel. Take care, I hope the testing goes well.

AG
quote:
These wise women have been able to explain transference in a way I could really understand.

I’m not sure that it is any more wisdom than it is experience, of which we ALL have an abundance of both, but it’s also about validation. Personally I can easily share my feelings and opinions with others, but I find my own healing and understanding come from the validation brought on by the experiences of others. And just so that you know, I am working it out as I go along just like every one else.Big Grin

When it comes to value, I have found that some of the simplest and most direct posts by one and all to be just as important and insightful as any around here. I miss certain ones when they cannot be around for whatever reasons. I sure hope it is not because they fear they have nothing valuable to share, because that is not true. It is the diversity that makes this such a wonderful community that I keep coming back to. So please don’t sell yourself short River. I always look forward to reading your posts as I do Attachment Girls, Robin/Scott/Antoni/Samy’s, BW’s, Sarah’s, and others whom we have not heard from in a very long time. Of course I can’t leave out Shrinklady who must be up to her ears in trying to keep up with things around here, but it is all valuable, helpful, and well rounded experiences whether it is from Shrinklady and any one of the newbies around here. Whatever brings us here and encourages us or concerns us is worth sharing no matter how insignificant it might seem to ourselves; it is probably exactly what someone else needs to relate to.

I remember one of the episodes I posted about being frustrated with my T. I had some really nice responses, but one of the most poignant was from Scott who simply said “I say to my T on occasion... 'sometimes, all you need to do is to say sorry'...” That’s not to diminish the other replies at all, because they were all helpful and I cherished reading every one.

So why I am inclined to be giving some sort of lecture here?? Red Face I am sorry, it wasn’t intended to be a lecture at all, but PLEASE know how valuable you are around here, River. I relate to so many things you say, including your transference for others besides your T. I never knew what that was before, but in looking back at certain relationships in my past, I see it for what it is now. –Thank you! Big Grin

JM

*I hope this came out ok.* Otherwise feel free to use AG's HTML slapper she invented. Big Grin
Last edited by justme 2
I'm following all of the discussion here with interest as I can totally relate.

I was supposed to hear from Dr. X about labs a week ago and I have not and my immediate thought was that he didn't want to talk to me or he doesn't want to to be my doctor anymore. In reality it probably has little to do with me but I feel slighted and a little abandoned. He used to call me about my labs the moment they became available.

Does anyone think of their transference object as a security blanket, someone who can protect them? I think this of Dr.X and when I can't sleep I imagine him in bed with me, his arms wrapped around me, protecting me from evil.
quote:
Does anyone think of their transference object as a security blanket, someone who can protect them? I think this of Dr.X and when I can't sleep I imagine him in bed with me, his arms wrapped around me, protecting me from evil.


Oh YES! My T IS my secure base all the way. But she CAN be. I am worried that you will never get a chance to work through your transference with Dr. X because of his limitations with it. Then again, maybe I am assuming wrong and you are working them out with your T. I hope you are. Smiler

JM
Hi Sprinting Gal,
My T is my security blanket, life preserver, and binky all rolled into one. The safest place on earth is being in his office. Sometimes I just sit there during a session and try to soak up feeling safe. So I totally understand your feelings. I have to agree with JM, though, I would think this is more difficult having these feeling for a doctor who's not your T. But as far as you're feeling, welcome to a growing club of people who feel the same way! Smiler

AG
An HTML Slapper is something that AG mentally invented to slap either one of us when we get too critical of oursleves.

BTW: I changed the one ocurrence of your mispelled name that I KNOW of. It's important to me because I know that when people make a "certain" mispronunciation of my real name I get very agitated. Once a school teacher said she liked the wrong pronunciation better and insisted on calling me that all school year no matter how much I protested. GRR!
quote:
Originally posted by Just Me:

Oh YES! My T IS my secure base all the way. But she CAN be. I am worried that you will never get a chance to work through your transference with Dr. X because of his limitations with it. Then again, maybe I am assuming wrong and you are working them out with your T. I hope you are. Smiler

JM


I don't really know how to work it out with my T. We've talked about it some but I only talk about him when there has been an interaction; I don't bring up what I think about him in my head when there has been no interaction.

Men have never felt safe to me. I still have this image in my head that men are protectors despite the fact that none have ever protected me or tried. He tried and that resonated in some empty place within me. He is a secure figure in my head but I know "IRL" that he probably is not.

JM, I have an old voice mail from Dr. X that I refuse to delete because the sound of his voice comforts me. I have felt psycho (for lack of a better word) for keeping it and after reading that your T made a recording for you, I feel better about that.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

SprintingGal
SprintingGal,

Glad that makes you feel better! You deserve to feel good about your needs and be able to express them. Psycho is exactly how I feel sometimes too. It comes with the territory. Big Grin

Just so that you know: I save vms from my T all the time, I call her vm just to hear her voice-all the time, and I must have played the recording 100 million times by now. -It's all good and ok. I became ok with all of this from knowing that others on this forum go through what I do too.

I'm pulling for ya!

JM
Has anyone noticed hell freezing over? Big Grin I've never admitted to hanging on to the voicemail but I did talk to him about googling him, finding his grandaughter's blog and learning way too much about his family. My, that was a fun session. He was great, I was a whimpering mess. And I can't call anywhere to hear his voice!! He has an answering service. Frowner
But considering the kind of accessibility he provides I would be a terrible person to complain. So I try not to. Big Grin
AG,

about your quote about hell freezing over,your T having an answering service(i'm sorry, i haven't figured out how to use the quotes, tools, etc): i am the same, except i don't even think he has answering service(if he does i'm not priviledged--or important--enough to have the #. of course, i feel like an intruder when i even try and see him weekly from time to time, so i doubt i would ever call anyway. my last session was very good--except i kept whining and apologizing for calling for an earlier than my usual every-3-weeks appointment. at the end, he told me to try and tough it out(my next is 2 weeks) and use the tools and suggestions he'd given me. of course, he said i have his #'s(the 2 clinic #'s), and i know he meant well and was being therapeutic. but what i FELT was him saying --please don't come back anytime soon, you bother me, i don't like you.....my intellectual side knows better. whenever i do go earlier, he usually says well, you probably needed to come in. but anyway, i'm so obsessive about stuff. if i had a voicemail, i know i'd definiyely hang onto it!!
Trust me AJB, if he had an answering service, you'd have the number since the answering service serves as a buffer between the therapist and patient. (Although side note, my T having an answering service makes its easier to call since I'm not the one interrupting him and I know he can choose when to call back.)

I understand how you're hesitant to go in more often but needing to go in more often is very understandable. Most people I know in therapy go a minimum of once a week and its not unusual to do twice a week when doing really hard work.

But the thing I'm the most concerned about is how uncomfortable you are with having needs and expressing them. I say this because it's a very familiar feeling for me. It's perfectly ok and legitimate for you to go as often as you need to. I would try and talk to him about how you're feeling about this and ask if he meant "please don't come back anytime soon" He didn't, but it will help you to hear it. The toughest part about getting through this is that what you KNOW really doesn't do much good, it's what your experience that's important.

AG
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