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A thought just occurred to me- Is there some way to deal with transference with your therapist without making the transference be about your therapist? Like if I could somehow deal with the underlying root causes of the problem? Maybe I could ask her if we could focus on childhood in some way? This is why a book that really delved in to the issue more deeply would be so helpful. Then I could try to get in tune with where it is coming from on a deeper level and bring those deeper issues up in therapy. Maybe that seems a bit dishonest, but bypassing the whole part of the conversation where I have to admit to having embarrassing feelings for her would make it so much easier! According to this whole concept of transference this is all rooted in my early experiences to begin with, so why are these delusional misplaced feelings of affection even important? The underlying issues are what need to be dealt with right? So maybe I just pinpoint what those are and bring those up to her? I'm just grasping at straws here. It all makes perfect sense in my head though!

Soandso,
First I want to tell you that I DEEPLY understand you're wanting to find a clean solution that does not involve talking about these feelings. There have been many times where talking about these feelings has been embarrassing or felt humiliating. I have lost track of how many times I have complained to my therapist that my intellectual understanding of the process does not exempt me from having to talk about these feelings.

But if may gently point out, I think there is a flaw in your logic. These feelings are not delusional, they are real and you are really having them about your therapist. It's just that the intensity is fed by your formative experiences. Think of it as your interactions with your T are plucking a string that is vibrating at a frequency that is causing a lot of strings around it to also resonate, so the resulting sound is SO much louder.

Your feelings here and now, IN the relationship with your therapist, is how your unconscious is revealed. Our therapist observe our behaviors, looking for patterns to explore, which is how we can bring to light our deeper motivations, feelings and fears. My work with my T has been an intricate weaving between present and past. The starting point is how I am feeling about him and his actions and our relationship. Trying to understand those feelings often leads me to things in my past, some of them long buried and disavowed. When they come forth I am able to own them and fit them into my story and make sense of them and that helps to rob them of their intensity. But, I hasten to add in my experience, my feelings about my T have been the roadmap, and the compass which have allowed me to "see" the understanding issues.

So I understand your hesitation about speaking, and I also totally respect that this is your decision to speak or not speak and if you do decide to speak, to decide the time. I'm just not sure there's a way around the speaking that will allow you to get to what's underneath.

AG