AT ~ hi, and welcome to the forum!

"Is transference something you can manage?" Yes, and actually, with some T’s, it can be a very useful tool for change. With some Ts – not so much. And sometimes counter-transference can get in the way too. If your T is an individual T, who does any kind of psychodynamic work, hopefully your T will be well versed in how to handle transference. It’s really rather common part of the therapy process.

Does your T meet needs of yours that haven’t been met elsewhere? This is a common place where transference happens. Whenever I have a close session with my T where she meets needs of mine, listens, helps me get through pain – especially in ways that haven’t been done before, I tend to think about her more and I notice a tendency for me to start to idealize her a bit. I remind myself that I am feeling this way not because of her, but because of the work we are doing. Then I try to think of other ways to work on the same issues outside of therapy, and on my own, and sometimes this helps me to not idealize her. My T is also really good at counter-acting any idealizing of her when I bring it up with her that my head is starting to go that way. A big part of managing the transference for me has been grieving the fact that my T does meet needs I needed met elsewhere when I was younger. I’m not sure how or why that helps, but it does.

Have you talked with your T about it? I think it would be really important to talk with her about it, especially if feeling this way is interfering with your life or is something that would lead you to quit therapy.

None of this may apply to your specific situation – take it all with a grain of salt. (or a pound or two).

It is great to meet you!



((((((Stuck)))) I'm so sorry about all the pain you are in and that your T didn't handle the transfernce well and wasn't able to help you through it.

Hey folks,

Just thought I'd check in. My experience is that if I don't unload here or with my new T, the build up makes things worse.

I was doing pretty good and then the past week has been rough. I really miss my old T. I try to remind myself that I miss what she provided me and not her. How can I miss someone I don't know. But I struggle with this reasoning sometimes.

I really miss her. At times I feel hurt. But I know that she did what she did in my best interest. It just sucks.

((Stuck))

I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard it must feel to lose that. Even intellectually knowing that your feelings are about missing something somewhere else and that your old T was trying to do what she thought was best...I can't imagine that makes the actual feelings any easier. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself by talking with new T and to us here, rather than letting it build up inside.

Ninn - Hi and thanks for sharing. I can relate to a lot of what you said.

I also come from being raised by a mom who gave zero affection and affirmation, in addition to occasionally being quite abusive and threatening. My father is alive, but mostly disappeared from my life between 10 and 12 years old. I am wanting and needing hugs too, but my T is a guy and we're either not there yet or it's just something he won't do. I'm glad it is helping you though.

The wanting to talk, wanting a hug, enjoying her care, but being scared of it taken away, those are all really normal feelings (at least for myself and the people around this forum). My T has also said that he never pushes a client out, but I just can't seem to get my mind around it. Because of the transference I get with my dad, I am fairly certain he's about to go "poof" at any given time. It's hard. I hope it gets better (and sometimes it does, and then worse, and better again). It's a long journey. I find myself begging my H to quit it all the time too. But, it's unnatural to live the way I do, so cut off from myself. So, I keep trying to tell myself that the only way out is through and just keep taking another step. It's so hard to do, but I am (usually) able to sense it is also right. It is the very best thing for me. I trust my T that he has my well-being as his top priority, so if he wants to walk me through this pain and anger that I've shut out, then I have to believe I'll make it...

I totally get how you feel. My T has a spiritual angle, so it's always about strengthening my relationship to God, finding safety with Him, etc. I found that I just needed to outright tell T, more than once, "When I am feeling vulnerable and needy and you do the God stuff, it feels like you are pushing me away. It makes me feel like I am wrong and bad for having my needs met by you or anyone else, even if ultimately God has put those people in my life to do it." I've had to do stuff like specifically tell him that his "God bless" at the end of sessions sometimes sounds like "OK, F--- off now, go away!" I've had to ask him to pray 5-10 minutes before ending the session, so I don't feel like he's shoving me off on God. I've had to tell him that if I text in a really vulnerable state, not to do the, "I'm praying for you. Welcome your helplessness as a prerequisite for God carrying you." Basically, I let him know that him pushing me in that way was actually making me resentful toward the spirituality, rather than accepting of it, because it felt like he was trying to get rid of me. I've had to be very direct about it, saying I don't expect him to change what he believes (and I do too), but that there is a time and a place for him to communicate those ideas to me and a time and a place where I absolutely cannot hear it without transference stuff making it freak me out. Is it possible you could tell your T how it feels to be pushed off on your mom, sister and H like that? To let her know that there are times when her support of you building those relationships is received positively, but when you are trying to accept the feelings of need and comfort you have with her as your therapist, it makes you feel pushed away, lonely, scared, etc.? I know that's a scary conversation to have, but it was causing me so many problems in my case that I just had to do it. So far, it has been pretty helpful, at least in that one aspect.

It is a super scary thing to do, but I've found it helps, even though I still regularly have my freakouts, certain executive parts of me "know" that T will not abandon me. Other parts, not so much, but they need time. I drew my T a map of ways my parents were that damaged me, things he does that trigger me and all the behaviors/feelings/thoughts that got transferred onto him as a result. I was embarrassed about it, but he loves it. He keeps it with my file and says it's "so good!" everytime it manages to drift to the top of my pile. It was a lot easier to get the ball rolling that way than to actually get the words out. It was just handing over a piece of paper and letting him ask questions about what I meant. Kind of a chicken thing to do, but it worked in our case.

Edit: My family is not at all spiritual, so for me, I don't have triggers around that sort of thing. If anyone other than a transference figure like T who I perceive as a "rejecting/abandoning parent" were to say, "I'll be praying for you," I would receive that as care and support. Most people who say that to me are friends or my pastor and they actually do support me in practical ways too, so that makes it easier. However, if "dad" (T) says that to me when I am in the throws of my transference, it's like, "I can't deal with you right now, go ask your REAL Father." Ugh.

Hi All,
new to the site and forum, just today and wow!!! Sooo glad I found you all, and that I am not crazy for the feelings I have been experiencing.
Background: currently heading into second year with T, not new to therapy though. Struggled with depression, anxiety, esteem, eating disorders since adolescence.
Last year when I sought therapy, I had been widowed about 9 months(two years next week)and was starting a new relationship with a man.(that ended soon after begining therapy)
Anyway, my T is a woman, about 10 years older than I am. We both understand that I have transference issues, and dependency issues. Trying to figure out what this stems from though. I don't know if I think of her as my mother, (who I was very, very close to and passed away 6 years ago) or if the feelings are just due to fear of abandonment. I'm not only a recent widow, but my son's father comitted suicide 15 years ago. And then last year, when I began dating this new dude, and then he dumped me, I was devestated beyond belief.
I have had a rough time this last year, and my T has been so there for me, including talking me down from the ledge a few times. We live in the roughly the same community, and even know some of the same people. My huge issue with her, is that I just want her to be my friend. I know that there is no chance of that happening, and it just breaks my heart. She knows how strongly I feel about her, and my curiosity regarding her life. I recently sent her an e-mail telling her how much this whole attachment is upsetting me. I also let her know how much I am curious about her life, and even so far as to question her secxuality. I just want to know, does she have a husband or a partner? Well, today she called me, and we discussed this a bit, and then she questioned MY sexuality. Well, no, my feelings for her or not like that at all, but now all afternoon I am worried that she thinks I have a sexual crush on her, when it is not that way at all. This is so stressful to me.
I can so relate to what so many of you have shared about losing your T. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. I cry when she yells at me, and worry so much that she will leave me.
Thanks all for letting me spill my guts out here, I'll stop now.
L

Gargyrle,

Welcome and thanks so much for sharing your story. I also found this forum by this transference thread a few months ago. I'm so sorry about your husband and just the rough couple of years you have been experiencing. I can imagine that those sorts of losses, back-to-back, would transfer abandonment fears onto any person who is there for you in the way your T is. I think that is completely natural. I wouldn't worry too much about your T thinking you had a crush on her. Even if she did, that is a fairly normal experience for Ts. I would guess she is probably just trying to see which way the transference leans (erotic, parental, other) as part of your work together. I think having an open conversation about how you feel, why you are interested in her personal life, your desires for a friendship you know to be impossible (how painful that is) and why she is asking about your sexuality would really help. My transference conversation with my T went really well, although it is something that has really been ongoing since then, it was really much easier having the idea of it out in the open, since I no longer had to restrain how much of this sort of stuff was coming up for me. The one concern I have is that you stated you cry when she yells at you. In what circumstances is your T yelling at you? I've only really had the one therapist (except a few weeks in childhood), and he has never even raised his voice to me. He has stopped me, gotten my attention, spoke clearly and slowly...but never has he done anything that would remotely approach yelling. I hope this forum continues to be helpful to you.

-Yaku

Thanks Yaku!
You seem to be very in tune with all of this, thanks so much.
My T is probably the best and brightes T I have ever been to. She is the only one I have ever worked with that has had me create measurable goals for my life. She not only deals with my crisis, but is helping me work to create a better life for myself. Part of my problem is that I am stubborn, a bit immature, and she lets me know this. I don't always follow her advise, and there have been bad outcomes because of that. I also have very thin skin, so that when I don't listen, and she verbally kicks my ass because of that, I cry.
I tend to cry a lot. I'm a very emotional person, and I feel like I've been hurt so much and that I have so much pain in my heart and soul, it's hard not to cry.
In the last year, though struggling, I have grown in small increments. I recently ran my first 5k, at age 45. This is something I never thought that I would ever do. She has also helped bring me back to God, and prayer. Last year she suggested I go to the lakeshore and watch the sunrise. What an amazing experience that was!! I do this at least once a week now.
I do know that we have to talk about this transference issue, but it's embarassing in some ways. Not becuase it's sexual at all, more because I'm smart enough to know that we will n ever be friends, but the fact that I want to be and it hurts that we never will. I worry more that she doesn't like me as a person and would never want to be my friend anyway.
Is it wrong that I want to know about her personal life? She talks about some of it, but then some is off limits it seems. It's very difficult.
I'm rambling again....thanks for being here for this lonely Gargyrle.
L

Hi Gargyrle,

I understand wanting to be friends and know more about your T. I have the same feelings. My T shares some personal stuff with me but only as it relates to my current problem. I was once surprised when she shared her maiden name with me. I didn't ask her about it, she just told me. It did relate to what we were talking about but it just surprised me that she was that open. I would enjoy being friends with my T and I do fear that she doesn't like me as a person. I think if we concentrate on that fear too much, it will consume us. You have to have confidence in who you are and know that people enjoy being around you just because of who you are. If I can keep that in mind it eases my pain and helps me believe that if circumstances were different, my T would be my friend. But regardless of weather she wants to be my friend or not, it is simply just isn't a role she can fill for me.

Good luck,
- SBRAHP

Thanks Stuck,
I'm so glaad to know that I am not the only one who is dealing with these feelings. I scheduled a double hour with her tomorrow and plan to discuss all of this with her. (as soon as I grow the balls) Actually, I think tonight I will write down what I want to say. I think after reading so much here, and thinking about this, I am ready to admit to her that I think of her as more of my mother than anything. My mother and I were very, very close, and she has been gone six years now. I miss her so very much, and really felt that I needed her so much in the last few years. I feel I should not have gone through the death of my husband without my mother here for me. And then being dumped, as well as sexually assaulted last year. I needed my mom. And my T has been there, and can be so very comforting, and wise, and a bit like my mom. I realize that she isn't old enough to be my actual mother, more of an older sister.
I still fear that she will leave me, and how will I go on without her. I've lost too many people that I love, I just cannot bear to lose her yet.
She scolded me somewhat yesterday, when I told her I was afraid of losing her. She said I should stop mourning a loss that hasn't happened yet. I understand her point, but it's not easy, especially since we have a very limited relationship.
So - tonight I will write out my feelings and hope & pray that tomorrow goes well.
Thanks for all of the support everyone.
L

I saw my T last week for a double session, and she knew I wanted to talk about the whole transference thing. Her comment at first was, "Do I sit in the dentist chair and wonder about his family?". Well, no I don't, but I do know my dentist's wife's name, and how many kids they have. I also only see my dentist once or twice a year,and I certainly don't share my most intimate thoughts with him. I don't call him when I feel suicidal, or cry to my dentist about how lonely and sad I am. My dentist has never hugged me after a visit either, and I have never sent him a text. The whole relationship is different, so I felt the comparison was out of line.I also felt that a lot of her comments were just kind of, psych 101 jargon. I know I must seem like I am whining. But then this week, she also texted me twice asking for recipes, as she knows I love, love, love to cook. Why would she ask me when she could go on-line and find the recipes just as easily? This is what confuses me so. I'm afraid to challenge her on this though, as then she may stop, and I do enjoy the interaction with her.
It just makes it harder for me.
I've been sad this week as well, as my son recently moved out, and this weekend I had to have one of my kitties put down, and my son took the other one to his new place. My T has been so kind about this. The other day in fact, while speaking to her on the phone, she commented about something that I had e-mailed her,about how she sometimes yells at me. She explained that doesn't do that with most of her patients. Almost as if I am more dear to her and she wants me to learn & grow.It's hard to explain the way she did, and I may have read the whole conversation wrong. I don't know, I'm sure I'm all wrong on all this. I'm still trying. I just wish it didn't have to be like this.
Ok - thanks all for letting me post and share these difficult emotions.
L

quote:

"Do I sit in the dentist chair and wonder about his family?".

This offends me! She is not a dentist. You don't ask your T to clean your teeth! Also, in your previous post, you said she scolded you for gieving a loss that hasn't happened. You have had A LOT of loss recently. She needs to be more understanding of that.

Maybe I'm hearing these comments out of context but these are not professional comments. And then to call you for a recipe?? Something is not right here.

Just my opinion. Keep talking here though. I know this hurts. Hang in there.

-SBRAHP

Gargyrle,

I should also say, congratulating for getting this off your chest. Job well done. I know it doesn't make the pain go away but it IS a step in the right direction. I hope your T can recognize what you really need or I hope you can find someone that does.

-SBRAHP

Ugh, yeah, the dentist comparison is WAY off. My H tried to do this when I was explaining my T transference to him, to say, "I don't see how it's any different than your relationship with Dr. _" (my GP). Um...hello?

Thankss SBRAHP & Yaku.
The thing that really sucks about all this, is that I am at this point in time,really trying to rebuild my life. When my husband passed away I was unemployed, so my financial situation has changed greatly from what it was when I was married. I am now in a new career, my son moved out, so I have the whole empty nest thing going on, and just trying to create a new life for myself. I find who I think is the best therapist I have ever had, seriously, and I end up feeling more messed up at times because of my darn attachment to her.
I think she is probably the smartest woman I have ever met, and the work she has me doing is so good for me, BUT, there are times I feel that she can be so cruel.
She says I'm a "drama queen", and that hurts. She thinks I don't take myself seriously enough. I get a lot of what she is saying, but I just wish it didn't have to suck so much to hear the truth. I know you guys might think this sounds abusive or unprofessional, but she has really helped me make great strides in my life in the last year, and I am here and alive to say so, thanks to her.
Ok - enough said for tonight, I feel like I'm just whining here.
When I told her I found this forum, she said it would be okay as long as I was seeing/reading success stories here. She doesn't want me slipping backwards. I can see her point, but this forum is so necessary to vent. Thanks all.
Gargyrle - L

Gargyrle - I can relate to you feeling like your T is wonderful, but that the attachment messes you up more. I'm in that same place.

However, I am VERY concerned about her calling you a drama queen. That is just...sorry to say and if I'm being too harsh here...NOT OK. This would send me into the worst sort of shame spiral and possibly very harmful behavior toward myself if I were told that by my T. I grew up with a mom who was very unstable and would constantly deride any needs I had, manipulate me, convince herself of a different reality, accuse me of lying, of being "too much" or "not enough." I already always feel as if I am overreacting or exaggerating or manipulating or lying even though consciously I know I haven't intentionally done these things. And even if I were, there would be a reason behind it, some sort of damage that were causing it. You know what my T says when I say that I worry he thinks I am overreacting or being drama, etc.? He says, "You know what? It really has never once crossed my mind that you are lying or exaggerating." He says, if anything, I tend to under-react. He says he believes me. He says he doesn't think I'm drama. He's not a perfect T. There are other ways he slips up. And honestly, my emotions sometimes are really dramatic, but T compassionately sees it as pent up pain that has accumulated and grown through repression that needs desperately to be released. He understands that if he is judging my pain as too much, I will go back to crushing myself trying to be "better" than my hurts. He invites me to just be who I honestly am. That is what a T should be doing. It doesn't mean your T doesn't help you in other ways, but I am extremely concerned that things like yelling at you or calling you drama seem to be big red flags that something in your therapy is about your T and her feelings and not about you and your needs...

hi,
I don't know if what I experience is tranference or what it is but it scares me.
I have been seeing my therapist for years. She is very good with boundaries etc. I am too. And I have no desire to go home with her or anything like that.
Still, I know things about her she doesn't know. I'm not a stalker but because of where I am it's been easy to see where she lives and as a result I"ve seen her outside of work. I know enough about her....I know a bit about her child and when I think about her and her family, my heart drops. It breaks my heart.
Don't get me wrong I am not a threat. I wish only the best for her but it hurts to see her with her family or to even think about it.
Is this tranference?

Hi Katy333,
Welcome to the forums. What you're feeling does sound like transference. It's hard without knowing your background, exactly what is happening, but in therapy, the therapist takes on a symbolic role, so many of our more powerful feelings and unmet needs can be evoked in our relationship with them. So your pain when thinking about her with her family may be the pain of wishing you had had a parent that had cared for you the way your T does now. So when you see her family, you are seeing someone have what you didn't and of course, it hurts.

It's also why you want to know more, it's the very natural desire to be closer to your T. Have you spoken to your T about these feelings? Bringing this up in therapy can be a very important part of healing. Because what you experiencing in therapy is often a reflection of how you do all of your relationships but now you have an opportunity to examine what is going on and learn about yourself with a safe person. I would really urge you to talk about what you're feeling with your therapist.

And again, without knowing your background, I may be totally off base, but their is a post on my blog you might find helpful. I've included the link below. Read it and see if it fits with your experience or not. There have been a lot of threads about transference and attachment. I would recommend doing a search (use the "Find" button at the top of the page) on both transference and attachment and reading some old threads. Feel free to continue asking questions, there's just a lot of good stuff that could really help in the meantime. Looking forward to getting to know you.

Disorganized Attachment or Why you think you're crazy but really aren't

AG

Hi,

I dont know if anyone still reads this thread, but I just read through it entirely and thought i should post my story hoping it would make me feel better. I apologize for it being long. I am too suffering from transference. I am in love with my therapist, not sexually, but more in a i cant live without her way. I have social anxiety disorder and therefore dont really have friends, and am afraid to speak up in public and talk about my feelings. So really, im alone most of the time. However, with my therapist, i feel so much safer and i think ive become addicted to her and therapy itself. I just feel so good when im there, and its come to a point where its the only thing that gets me excited. Im always wondering if she thinks about me when im not with her the same way i think about her, and the thought that she probably doesnt really hurts to think about.

Ive been seeing my therapist for about a year and a half now, and i find that ive been more depressed lately than usual because of this transference. Every time i leave a session with her, im always very sad and depressed for a day or so, however, because of the holiday break, i wont be seeing her for a couple of weeks now. Its only been a couple of days since i last saw her but im really struggling with this. I miss her sooo much and cant stop thinking about her. I dont know what to do. I feel heart broken, and i cant snap myself out of it.

It took a while, but i was able to bring up this topic in one of our sessions a couple of weeks ago, and she took it very well. She is too kind. She said she had a feeling that i was going through this but thought that it would be better if i brought it up when im ready. She also mentioned that it may be a long process to get to the bottom of.

Anyways, i dont know what to do now. I dont have anyone or anything to comfort me. I asked her if it would be alright for me to email her every once in a while when im down, but she said she would prefer if we kept the therapy in the room, i dont know if i should take that as an insult or not. Despite that request, i emailed her a week and a half ago because i went through a very rough patch, but she never responded. I was devastated. I asked her about it the last time i saw her and she said that she read my email but doesnt want me to become dependent on her to make me happy whenever im feeling down (this was the second time i emailed her in 2 weeks). I told her that all i wanted was a little acknowledgement that my email was read at the very least. She said that she reads all her emails, but she wont respond to most. We sort of went back and forth on this and agreed to talk about it some more next time. Anyways, now would be a time when i would email her. I cant get these thoughts out of my head and dont know where to turn and am desperate, but im afraid to email her because i dont want to put myself in that disappointed position i was before, plus i want to respect her requests. I know though that getting a response back from her would mean so much to me.

What do you think i should do? and how do you guys deal with the pain from transference?

Thanks for reading!
Josh

Hi Josh! Welcome to the forum! This thread is near and dear to my heart, because I also found this forum by reading this thread first, after searching the internet for anything on transference. So you are definitely among people who "get it".

That said, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I am not currently dealing with transference feelings (at least not with a T), but when I first found this forum, I was experiencing very similar feelings as you are now, with the T I was working with at the time, and struggling to find a way to tell him and try to work through it (which is why I was searching the net in the first place).

One thing I was encouraged to hear is that your T already suspected you were feeling this way, and was waiting for you to bring it up with her. Also encouraging is that she believes it might take a while to get to the bottom of. That makes me think she has an understanding of attachment issues.

But then, I was a little concerned to hear that she doesn't want you to get "too dependent" on her. What I've learned on this site and through my own experience is that those of us with attachment issues actually heal when we are allowed to become somewhat dependent for a time (within reasonable boundaries, of course). However, all T's have the right to set their own boundaries for their own reasons, so no, I wouldn't take her boundary of "keeping therapy in the room" as an insult, but rather, just a boundary she has set for herself. What you will need to decide is whether that will work out for you or not.

However, I believe that it hurts like crazy. And depending on what you need right now, her approach may or may not end up working out for you in the long run. There are therapists who would respond differently to your needs for out of session contact. Please keep talking here and reading other people's stories and asking questions, and hopefully you will find some shared experiences that might help clarify your needs and choices regarding your therapy. This site has been invaluable in helping me that way.

Peace,
SG

Hi Strummergirl! Thanks for the reply.

Im really glad i found this forum cause i too have been googling transference for a while now, but wasnt able to come up with much. I also posted my story on another forum but got no reply, so im off to a much better start here.

What do you mean that i would have to decide whether the no email thing will work out for me or not? Do you mean that if i decide that it doesnt work for me that i should leave and find a new therapist? I couldnt imagine ever doing that. This therapist is employed by the school i go to, so eventually i will have to leave her when i graduate but it wont be any sooner. Im dreading the day when i wont be able to see her again. She is the perfect therapist for me. Because of my anxiety, it took me a while to get comfortable with her, and i still am fairly quiet when im with her. But she knows exactly how to speak to me. She speaks quietly, shes warm, and shes understanding. She is the only person ive ever opened up to, and the only person i remotely trust. I have confidence and self-esteem issues though so im always wondering whether she actually cares about me or not, so i wish she would do a little more to show me that she does. (like allowing me to email her)

Do you think its appropriate to ask her if she would be willing to change her policy a little bit for me about emailing? I feel as if im a special case because of my situation, and that the benefit would be much greater if she would just allow me to email her when i really need it and perhaps email me back with one or two lines of encouragement. I understand where she is coming from, but i dont get how me emailing her once in a while, and her sending me a very short message back can do harm. Just knowing that i have that safety net if things go really bad is reassuring. My last session with her, i tried to explain to her my side of the story and how much it hurt to wait all week and not receive a reply back from my email. Next time we meet we are supposed to continue that convo and im hoping i can get her to understand how much it really means to me and perhaps convince her to try it my way, but im not sure if thats appropriate and how i should go about doing that.

What do you think? and do you have any advice with dealing with the emotional pain. I need something to help me through these next couple of weeks.

Again thanks for replying!
Josh

Hi Josh,
Welcome to the forums. I am glad that you've found us as we really do get what you are going through. I am sorry, I know this can get incredibly painful. Like SG, I was glad to hear that your T is so accepting of your feelings. It was very courageous of you to tell her you felt that way and I am glad that she reacted so well. Therapy is a place where you should be safe to talk about how you are feeling.

I have worked through my transference with my T (mainly, there are bits and pieces here and there I'm still working on) and volutarily stopped going regularly about a 16 months ago. His door is still open and I go back probably about every 4-6 weeks, basically anytime I run into something I'd like help with.

My T had different boundaries about outside contact (he still allows me unlimited emailing and calling, although again, I don't do so nearly as often now) as he felt like it was important to be able to access your attachment figure when you needed them, you never could tell when the need would occur. So there was a long period where I was pretty dependent on him, but I did outgrow it and do not need him in the same way anymore.

The best advice I can give you is to keep going back and talking about how you're feeling. All of it, the pain, the longings, the wanting to email, etc. It was as I talked about what came up for me in the relationship that I learned about my underlying beliefs and traced them to their roots so I could learn to change them. I do want to encourage you that it is possible to work through this and heal, although I don't want to mislead you, it was very painful at times and the hardest work I've ever done.

As SG said, there's a lot of good material here on the forum, I would search on both "transference" and "attachment." Also, I write a lot on these topics on my blog, you may find some of what I write helpful. The link is in my signature.

And please feel free to ask questions, there are a lot of very knowledgeable people here with a lot of experience.

AG

Hi AG! Thanks for replying!!!

I think i will take your advice and discuss all these feelings the next time i see her. I told her about my transference, but never really went into too much detail about the pain, longing wanting to email...etc, cause i was too embarrassed. Now i see that this is something i will have to bring up if i want to properly deal with this, im nervous but also a little excited to bring it up. It sucks that ill have to wait a couple of weeks though before i can talk about it. Keeping all these thoughts and feelings inside is not fun.

Ill take a look at the material on the forum about transference and attachment, any advice on where to start?

Also, do you think i should be insulted by this? I asked my therapist in our last session if she was willing to see me one more time during the week before the break because i had a lot of stuff on my mind that i felt i needed to talk about before the holidays. She said that she only sees students/patients more than once a week for exceptional circumstances. This hurt cause i felt i needed another session and because i felt like this was an exceptional circumstance. I didnt have a session the week before cause of exams, and because of the whole email thing took up our whole last session, i wasnt able to talk about the other things bothering me at all. It just hurts when she doesnt consider me a special case and always denies my requests. Should i take these things as a sign that she doesnt really like me and doesnt want to see me or hear from me? cause thats what it feels like. Like she doesnt care about me and im just another student she sees and forgets about the second i leave the room.

Thanks for reading!
Josh

Hi Josh,

So glad to hear that you are finding this site helpful.

quote:

What do you mean that i would have to decide whether the no email thing will work out for me or not? Do you mean that if i decide that it doesnt work for me that i should leave and find a new therapist?

That would be one option (although a really painful one, I understand). Another option would be to accept her boundaries and tell her how that feels to you and work through that in the therapy with her. As AG said, it sounds like she's really accepting about hearing your feelings, so I hope you can talk to her about it.

quote:

Do you think its appropriate to ask her if she would be willing to change her policy a little bit for me about emailing?

Personally I think as patients we should be able to ask for whatever it is we think we need from our T's. I don't ever think asking is inappropriate. However, our T's have the right to say "no" to what we are asking for. It sounds like you already have asked her to change her boundary for you - which I think it was okay to ask - but she has said no, and now you are feeling hurt and insulted. At this point, I think it would be okay to talk about how you are feeling about her answer and explore that in your therapy, so that you can learn more about yourself. But to continue pressuring her to change her boundary - no matter how justified it may seem to you - personally I don't think that's the right focus. Perhaps if you confide more to her about how painful this is to you, talking only about your feelings, she may decide on her own that your case is exceptional and then change the boundary for you. But to focus directly on changing her boundary - I do not think that is the right focus. But that is only my opinion.

I really really do understand how painful this is, Josh. As for dealing with the emotional pain, reading and posting on this forum helped with that immensely. Just being able to talk with people who understood how I was feeling, to feel "not alone" in this, helped tremendously. Finding a T with whom I could talk about anything helped a great deal, too. Eventually, after a couple of years with her, and still having a considerable amount of emotional pain, I decided to try an antidepressant, and that has proven to be a really really good decision for me. It has allowed me to internalize many many truths that I was told or realized intellectually in therapy, but could never absorb emotionally before. It has made so many things "click" in the way I only wished it would before. I now suspect that I've had clinical depression probably all my life, but for whatever reason, was not describing my feelings in the right way in order to be properly diagnosed. But that is no one's fault, just the way it worked out. At some point you may want to consider that as an option, too.

Good luck continuing the convo in your next appointment! Let us know how it goes.

Peace,
SG

Hi SG,

Thanks for replying! Having you and Attachment Girl reading and replying to my posts means a lot to me. I can use all the advice and guidance i can get.

I understand what you are saying about accepting her boundaries, i just find it very tough. I respect her boundaries, i dont want to be a bastard and go against her requests, i would actually feel very guilty if i did that. But at the same time, i have a hard time accepting it. It feels as if i need these exceptions to function, and without her allowing me to email as an example, its just making me feel worse and more depressed. How can you truly accept something when its doing harm to you?

As for antidepressants, ive been on a couple different ones over the last 2 years to help with my anxiety and depression, but i still havent been able to find one that properly helps both. Its frustrating but im still trying.

Ill definitely keep you guys updated on my next convo with my T.

Thanks
Josh

quote:

Also, do you think i should be insulted by this? I asked my therapist in our last session if she was willing to see me one more time during the week before the break because i had a lot of stuff on my mind that i felt i needed to talk about before the holidays. She said that she only sees students/patients more than once a week for exceptional circumstances. This hurt cause i felt i needed another session and because i felt like this was an exceptional circumstance. I didnt have a session the week before cause of exams, and because of the whole email thing took up our whole last session, i wasnt able to talk about the other things bothering me at all. It just hurts when she doesnt consider me a special case and always denies my requests. Should i take these things as a sign that she doesnt really like me and doesnt want to see me or hear from me? cause thats what it feels like. Like she doesnt care about me and im just another student she sees and forgets about the second i leave the room.

Josh,
How you're feeling is totally understandable but I think it's more about your past than actually about your therapist. She is actually holding good boundaries and keeping a consistent frame around therapy. A therapist actually had to be careful to treat all their clients the same as making one "special" can be an indication that they are letting their own feelings affect YOUR therapy which isn't good for anyone.

One of our very strong needs as children is to feel special, and know that we are very important to our caregivers. If we did not get that, we are still looking for it. So your T refusing to make an exception for you may be evoking deprivations and unfulfilled longings from your childhood and leaving you feeling like you don't matter. But giving you special treatment could hold out a promise she could NOT fulfill of finally providing you what you didn't get as a child. It is less damaging to hear "no" in the first place than to experience even an "implied" broken promise.

There's a post on my blog Therapy isn't enough that might explain this better.

As far as getting started on the forum, I would use the brown "Find" button at the top of the forum page and perform two searches. One on the word "attachment" and one on the word "transference" then browse through the search results and look for stuff you relate to. It's also perfectly ok to keep asking specific questions.

AG

Thanks AG! It feels so much better hearing someone else who is not emotionally invested in my situation explain things rationally. While it still hurts to think about it, hearing that these type of boundaries from therapists and my feelings about them are normal makes me feel somewhat better.

I really enjoyed your post on your blog on this subject as well. A lot of the stuff you were going through i can relate to and am glad to know that you managed to fight through it, so there is still hope for me yet .

Im a little nervous to keep on posting more questions, i feel like im starting to sound like a broken record and a pest. Its my nature to obsess over certain things over and over again, and id hate to wear out my welcome here.

Thanks,
Josh

quote:

Originally posted by Strummergirl:
But then, I was a little concerned to hear that she doesn't want you to get "too dependent" on her. What I've learned on this site and through my own experience is that those of us with attachment issues actually heal when we are allowed to become somewhat dependent for a time (within reasonable boundaries, of course).

Hi everybody,

I spent a lot of time the last day or so reading past threads on transference and attachment hoping it would cheer me up. I would say it helped a little in some way, but also made me worry more. The above quote worries me. I noticed that in a lot of threads concerning transference and attachment, it was said that therapists sometimes have to allow us to attach to them in order for us properly heal, pushing us a way could possibly make things worse. (my wording is probably not so good). Anyways, im really worried that my therapist may not realize this or just doesnt care and that she could end up making things worse, or i could be stuck feeling like this forever. Is it possible to heal from the transference/attachment without being allowed to feel the secure attachment that i need to heal? I mean, i understand that my therapist has her own boundaries. She never really mentioned if i can call her or not (i would be too afraid to anyways), but she did specify that she would prefer to keep the therapy in the room, and that i dont email her. She never said i couldnt email her, but she did say she may not respond to my email. (so emailing her and not getting a response would make things worse). I feel i need something more in order to feel better, something more frequent or ill never feel better. If she doesnt see it my way though, i dont know if i can or ever will feel better.

Anyways, im sort of rambling on here, i hope you can understand what im trying to say. With the boundaries my therapist set, am i doomed to feel like this forever because she wont allow me to attach to her for a short period? Does it sound like she might not be well qualified to help me deal with this? If i dont get that extra attention, can i still heal properly even if i cant feel the attachment i feel i need? Help me please!

I hope i properly articulated my problem and question

Thanks for reading,
Josh

Hi Josh,

You were very articulate with your concerns and I'm sorry you are feeling so worried. I want to apologize for giving the impression that what I described is the only way to heal. I honestly don't know if you have attachment issues or not, Josh, and I also don't know that what I've described is the only way to heal from it. It's just what has made the most sense to me, in my situation, and I've done my best to try and get that "kind" of therapy. However, I've not been able to get it, exactly. Still, I've made a lot of progress. My therapy and healing have not followed the exact same path as anyone else's, but that is to be expected, that we each have our own unique needs, and each person's path of healing is going to look a bit different.

Ultimately, I really think your next step is to talk to your T about everything you've been thinking/feeling, as you are ready to share it with her. As you do that, what you need from your therapy will be clearer. I don't think there are any guarantees that she is qualified to help you. There are several of us here who have had to switch T's mid-stream when we found out our T's were not qualified to help us. It does hurt like crazy...but ultimately I found a T who was much better equipped to help me, and others have, too. On the other hand, your T may be qualified and able to help you once you are more open and honest with her. There is no way to know except to try. I'm sorry it's so scary, and again, I'm sorry if I made your fear worse. I only meant to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with feeling like you want that, and it may be what you need. But then again, it may not be. Hopefully your T can help you sort it out. We are here to support you, either way.

Peace,
SG

Thanks SG!!! I could never imagine leaving my therapist so im praying that she is properly equipped to deal with this. Is there a difference between transference and attachment? I know im suffering from transference, so i assume that means im having attachment issues. Could i be wrong? I feel like im having attachment issues but am not 100% sure after what you said. So i hope you or someone else can give me a proper definition for it with examples, and how it differs from transference.

Ive also seen some mixed responses to this, but is transference considered a good thing or a bad thing? Does the fact that i reached this high level of transference indicate progress in therapy? Ive read on this forum from a number of people that transference is a positive thing, i just dont see how with all the negative emotions and pain im going through. So im wondering if there is something im missing that would allow me to look at it more optimistically.

Thanks again SG!
Josh

Hi Josh,

I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner, the last few days have been kind of crazy!

Your questions are all really good ones. The thing is, I can only answer you from my experience. I can't diagnose you or tell you what you "should" do, so I'm hesitant to try and answer your questions. I really think your T should be the one to do that.

ShrinkLady has an explanation of Attachment Issues on her main site. She also has an explanation of transference in psychotherapy. I am by no means any kind of authority on the subject, but my understanding is that my attachment issues (if I have any) will make themselves known, at least in part, by the kinds of assumptions I make about my relationship with others based on my past experience(or "transference"). When I do this in real life, it may or may not be clear how I'm doing this. But hopefully in therapy my T does not "react" to what I do, but helps me see what I am doing so I can learn more about myself and then, hopefully, help me make the changes I want to make, if any.

I don't think transference is good or bad, it's just something we all do in everyday life. We develop expectations of what will happen in new situations based on what's happened in past situations. So if we grew up learning that getting close to someone meant getting hurt, then we may develop that expectation with everyone and become extremely reluctant to get close to anyone. But we are human and made for connection, so eventually that gets painful, too. Then we may end up in therapy needing to untangle all of this and learn (or relearn) how to get close enough to get the connection with others we need.

I hope this helps a little. I feel extremely underqualified to say much more about any of this, as I don't really know much at all about you or your particular situation. I really hope you can risk bringing all of this up with your T and give her the chance to work through this with you as she knows you much better than I do. But we are here for support and encouragement as you go through it!

SG

Thanks SG!

Hi Josh and welcome,

From my experience, it's hard to say if transference is a positive or a negative. To a child who has no father and finds a father figure in a therapist, then it can have a very positive effect. On the other hand, as many on this board can attest to, in can also be so painful. I have strong feeling towards my former T. I miss her so much. I didn't feel comfortable talking to my former T about transference at all. So I sought out a new T. When I finally told my former T about my feelings and how I had been seeing a new T, she suggested I continue seeing my new T. I was crushed! I wanted her to work through my transference with me, but instead, she asked me to go away. I thought, how is this possible? I thought she cared about me? I should have voiced these questions but I didn't. I tucked the feelings away and left her office extremely hurt.

I lived with the pain for 7 unbearable months. There were so many negative feelings that came along with thoughts of my former T. I thought, she's sitting there laughing at me. She must be so relieved to be done with me. In working through the pain with my new T, my new T suggested I go back and confront my former T. I should get answers to my questions. So I did. I expected my former T to lay it all out there. I thought she was going to tell me how happy she was to get rid of me. What a relief it was to have me out of her office and life. What I found when I had this meeting with my former T was a caring and compassionate woman who only wanted what was best for me. She had no idea that I left so hurt. She apologized profusely and told me she was here for me if I needed her. I could tell that she did care about me. We cleared the air. I still miss her very much, but all those negative feelings have been replaced with positive ones. When I think of her, I think of someone who really wants to help me. Her door is open to me but I continue on with my new T.

My point is, I was told on this forum that the pain does lessen but the transference never really goes away. Now that's a hard pill to swallow. When I was first told this, I thought, you mean I will feel this miserable forever? The answer is No. I'll admit, I have been started on anti-depressants and that has helped. But I DO feel better. I can function now. I don't cry when ever I think of my former T. Sometimes I even smile when I think of her.

I'm not quite sure how, if and when I will ever let my former T go. But I am living my life again and feel good about it.

I hope that helps. Sorry so long. I types this on my phone so I apologize for any misspellings or auto words.

-SBR

-SBR

(((((SBR)))))

I'm so glad that you went back to your former T and now feel better about the way things ended. I'm sorry that it's all still so painful though.

Liese

Thanks for telling me your story SBR. Good for you going back to your former T after months, that was very brave of you. I doubt id have the guts to do something like that.

It scares me to think that the pain of transference really doesnt go away. I cant imagine living like this forever. How long would you say it took for it to become at least manageable? Also, besides the anti-depressants, did anything else change in your life that might have affected the strength of the transference, making it more tolerable. Perhaps you found a new friend/partner that helped fill part of the void. I ask this because im currently on anti-depressants as well, so what im feeling right now wont be getting more tolerable from my meds. I am also pretty alone, so im worried that without any other type of relationships outside of therapy, the chances of my transference getting better are slimmer since i really have no one else to distract me, or fill that attachment i need.

Thanks,
Josh

Hi Josh,

I believe that I am starting to feel the pain of transfernece lessen right now. It's always hard to say for sure because it's such a slow and gradual process. Josh, it takes time. Give yourself time to heal. The pain won't last forever, so I'm told. I definately feel better now than I did 2 months ago.

Everybody's journey through transfernce will be different because everybody has a different situation that they need to heal from. One of the most difficult things about this pain is that there is no road map to find healing. There is no recipe to fix it. You have to find your own way. But this entire group here on this forum is here to listen whenever you need. This group was one of the biggest and most important aspects to my healing.

As for my situation, I am married. My marriage wasn't going well. I was in pain for a long long time. So when I found support through marriage counseling, I found someone who I thought could cure the pain I was in. My marriage counselor understood me. She sympathized with me. I did not want a divorce. But I felt that I did not love my wife anymore. I loved my marriage T. I still kind of feel that way. I too, felt alone. My situation was not going to change. I either had to find a way to fall back in love with my wife or live in pain for the rest of my life. And honestly, I'm still working on that.

Josh, you need to stay positive. Things will change. If you have nobody except for your T right now, then their is still an opportunity for that void to be filled. You could bump into somebody today and it may make you think..."Therapist who?", "transference what?".

I hope that helps.

-SBR

PS:
(((((Liese))))))
So good to hear from you. I hope you are doing well!

quote:

Originally posted by StuckBetweenRock and HardPlace:
I hope that helps.

-SBR

It does! Thanks a bunch SBR!!!

Hi guys!

I dont want to continue sounding like a pest, but i have one more thing to ask. I took the advice of someone else earlier in this thread and decided to write a letter to my therapist about all the thoughts that are going through my mind right now, transference and everything else, and the plan is to give it to her the next time i see her (as long as i dont chicken out). This way if i forget to say something next session, or run out of time, she could still read everything that was going through my mind. Anyways, the letter is kind of long, and im not sure if its good or not and could use some feedback, its pretty personal, and some things in it i havent discussed here, but i want to make sure its good. Would anyone be willing to read it and let me know what they think?

Hi SGJ,
I don't mind reading it at all, but I am wondering when your next session is? I am just concerned I may not be able to get back to you in a timely manner. But feel free to PM me the letter and when you need it back by and I can let you know. Thanks.

AG