I'm glad you had the courage to talk to your T and that he was so lovely and caring in response.

sb

Thanks SB! I'm grateful, too!

Passion Fruit...I love your name. Very sweet story. The one major thing I learned from newborns, infants, toddlers, little ones, teenagers and young adults too, is that they don't miss a trick from their parents. They are watching us every step of the way. They are like sponges that soak up EVERYTHING, good, bad and ugly. We are their teachers and they will learn what they live. We all screw up have made mistakes. Before I started therapy I never gave any thought to early child development. Now I know how utterly critical it is to have good, healthy models from pregnancy through the first three years, continuing, of course, for a lifetime. Hopefully, we do a better job than our parents. I learned it's not about blaming, but about understanding and processing the experiance.

Thanks AG for your encouragement.

Veryhopeful: Kids do watch everything! It's scary. DH and I were talking the other day wondering where our kids got some of their traits and it didn't take us long to realize they got it from watching us! I never knew the importance of childhood development until now either. We have a toddler, but we also have older children and I often wonder if some of their struggles come from things they lacked as toddlers. I'm so thankful for what I'm learning now and hope our kids do better than us when they become parents!

Thanks!!

PassionFruit

I studied child development last year at university... it made we wish I'd known all that stuff before I'd had my kids - they so should teach the basics in school!

sb

I would have let them cry as long as they needed instead of telling them, "That's enough. It's okay. Stop crying." I used to feel uncomfortable with their crying after 3-5 minutes, so I would tell them to stop. Now, I let my toddler cry as much as he needs to. I just hold him. I've learned the importance of containing him with a calm presence.

I would have validated their feelings more. When they were upset or frustrated, I would tell them to stop being angry or upset. Now, I know it's important to validate their feelings and let them feel what they're feeling. I recently learned that even though we validate their feelings, we still maintain our expectations of behavior. So I can say, "I can see why you would be so frustrated right now. I still need you clean up your toys."

I would have stopped what I was doing and make sure to give them eye contact whenever they walked in the room. I learned how important the "gaze" and giving them my full attention when they are talking to me.

I hugged my older kids a lot, but I still would have touched them a lot more. I would have let them sit on my lap more and just held them longer.

I would have empathized with their pain when they were sad or crying, instead of trying to get them to stop their tantrums. I learned if I maintain calmness, the tantrums usually stop on their own, without me trying to fix the situation.

I would have allowed them to make more mistakes without getting upset. One of my kids is a perfectionist and I think it's because I gave a reaction every time she did something wrong. I now praise their efforts instead of reacting to the results of their efforts.

I would have shown them my anger and reassured them that I love them even if I get upset. I just hid my anger, so when they see it, which is rare, they are terrified.

One thing I have done with all my kids is always to let them know when I'm leaving, when I'll be back, and to remind them how much I love them. I think this has helped prevent separation anxiety and given them a security that I'll always be back when I leave.

I'm sure there's a lot more I could be doing, but these are the things that come to mind.

((passion fruit)) especially the letting you know when you are leaving and coming back bit.

I would also say I told my kids many times a day that I loved them - I never wanted them to ever be unsure or to wonder if they were 'good enough' to be loved. Now they are grown up and left home I still never end a conversation without telling them so ....and they always say the same 3 little words back

fishy

Pengs,

I would do a lot different. My models were not very good; therefore, I did not know how. I love my kids and was a decent parent considering how I was parented. Suffering from post-partum depression lasting five long years and being brushed off by doctors made it worse. My kids are older and back then post-partum was "just the baby blues". If you were, shhhh...depressed, you were weak and inadequate. I came seconds away from suicide with my second child and am alive purley through the grace of God. I was very isolated with zero support and my husband was overwhlemed. The "wrong" thing I did, unknowingly, was "care" too much. I tried to be what my parents were not. Became very overprotective and careful to a fault. I see all of that now and am much better at letting go and allowing them to flourish on there own. Happily, when the shit does hit the fan, they come running to me because they know I will always help them through anything and deeply care and love them and that feels good!

"I really need to just say what I'm feeling and not try to filter, re-filter, and filter again before saying something."

This is a huge, Huge, HUGE truth for really making progress in therapy.



"I let my toddler cry as much as he needs to. I just hold him. I've learned the importance of containing him with a calm presence."

"validated their feelings more"

"eye contact" and "full attention"

"touched them a lot more"

"empathized with their pain when they were sad or crying, instead of trying to get them to stop their tantrums"

"allow them to make more mistakes without getting upset"

"shown them my anger and reassured them that I love them even if I get upset"

"let them know when I'm leaving, when I'll be back, and to remind them how much I love them"



You've just written a parenting manual about teaching children how to handle the mental and emotional challenges life presents. And of course, it's never too late to do any of these with your kids...or your parents for that matter, especially as parents begin to need more care-taking.

Thanks for the wisdom.
-RT

starfish - it's priceless when the kids tell us they love us. I have teengagers who have a hard time saying it, but it does come out every so often!

RT - thank you for the words of encouragement! You're right - it's never too late. I'm so glad some golden nuggets have come from this painful process of therapy.

PF