My toddler taught me something the other day. I asked him who loves him and usually lists off a long list of people. This time he said, "No one." I said, "What about mommy and daddy?" He said, "Daddy doesn't love me because he gets mad at me. Mommy doesn't love me because she leaves me." I told him that we do love him very much even if we get mad or if we're not with him. He seemed content with that answer and asked me to stay with him for a few minutes and that was it.

It got me thinking. Maybe I struggle in between sessions because I haven't been able to articulate that I don't feel loved in between sessions.

So I told T about this last session, even though I was petrified to bring it up. He said it makes total sense if I feel like my son and that could be the very reason I'm suffering so bad in between sessions. I was in complete shock when he looked at me and reassured me of exactly what he thinks and how he feels about me when I'm not in his office. He told me four times because I kept asking him, "Are you sure?" He even said we'll probably have to return to this conversation many times because kids need to be reassured many times. 

I learned a huge lesson from my son. I couldn't articulate how I was feeling, but if I can, it's worth the risk to express it. T can't comfort what he doesn't know. I really need to just say what I'm feeling and not try to filter, re-filter, and filter again before saying something. If my son didn't say he felt unloved, he would have gone on suffering feeling unloved. The truth of the matter is he is greatly loved by both his parents. When I finally spoke up to T, I found that many of my fears about how he felt about me were untrue. Okay, all the fears I expressed were false. He was quick to tell me my pain was real and to not dismiss my pain. But it was also true that how he felt about me was different than what I thought. I might be suffering unnecessarily because I'm staying silent about a lot of things. My toddler gave me just enough courage to speak up last session. Let's see how tomorrow goes...


PassionFruit