I wrote out a load of stuff but I felt too vulnerable to post it.

Basically I coughed up some trauma in my session today. I've been working towards it for a while with my T's support. I've talked about it before but I've never really been in a position to process it from within a stable therapeutic relationship and the subject remains an uncomfortable knot that I've managed by walling it off. The last fly by I did with a previous T helped me view what happened in a different light but it didn't shift a lot of the feelings. I'm hoping that this latest foray, almost 16 years since it happened will help me make a dent in a lot of the guilt and self-blame I still experience.

It's hard though and I feel rotten this evening after an initial sense of euphoria for managing to actually name some of it.

It's triggered a lot of young maternal transference stuff too, for lack of a better description, which isn't wildly surprising but that hurts too. I'm not doing too well with that yearning and the aching sense of loss. I know most of you will get what I mean.

Could do with some virtual hugs.