It turns out I don't have to do the three-hour test. I redid the one hour test and failed again by a little, so rather than put me through the three hour test, they just decided to call it GD. So, I have to do a two hour class, learn to prick-test myself regularly, meet with a nutritionist consistently over the next 15 weeks. I was massively triggered into an emotional flashback when I found out yesterday, just related to body stuff from childhood and feeling out of control.
I numbed out, then saw T, and got some comfort for the situation, but was having anxiety attacks and crying bouts off and on the rest of the day. I tried looking up what I'll have to do for my diet, but got really overwhelmed, because if they ask me to do six small, perfectly balanced/divided meals each day...there is just no way I can execute that. If they just say, "Here's your carb limit for the day and try to eat at least every three hours," I can probably handle it without getting overwhelmed. Unfortunately, financially, we had switched to very cheap (and not so healthy) foods recently...so it's a bit of a blow to have to go out and replace all that stuff with more expensive carbs, proteins and produce. But, it is what it is. And if I have to view myself as a human incubator to get through this and do what I need to be healthy for my girls (both the five-year-old and the one on the way), then I will. I always do what needs to be done.
Mostly, right now, I'm just super freaked out about having to do this long, group class, and then meet with the nutritionist all the time. It means keeping better track of my body and what's going on with it...and then talking it. I don't know, I've never worked with a nutritionist in my doctor's office, so I don't know if it would also mean being examined and/or touched more. I already had to confess to my OB vaguely that I had body trauma that makes every appointment difficult and now that he knows that, I'm scared to ever see him again. :/
My T thinks, as much as the timing sucks from the memories we've been talking about, that this is probably a good and needed thing for me to confront all this negative stuff about my body that I like to avoid by...um...not being in it very much? And, of course, he'll be there for me to work through whatever feelings come up from it. Yesterday, it was much more rage than I thought I had, a lot of, "No!" inside me that got shut down and came pouring out to the point I was worried the preschool next door would think I was being attacked and call the cops, lol. T was great, though. He sat through the shut down, talked me through a few of my fears about the emotions this will stir up, and I got to the point where I was able to ask for a hug at the end, and kind of take in some comfort there.
And for one of the first times, I was able to do something different. Usually, if I get a hug or even verbal comfort from someone, my feelings shut down. My feelings shut down even being in someone's presence, so I can't feel my hurt in front of them. This time, I stayed with my awareness of how hard this feels. And I was able to tell him, "This has been a really $#!++4 week," and that it was hard and it hurts, and take in his compassion for my pain and feel the hug a little more than I usually do. When we did our goodbye hug after that, he gave me an extra tight squeeze, which was needed. I don't think I've taken in comfort from anyone in that way that I can remember. And it was still kind of surface-level, but it made a difference.
Anyway, the only way out is through, so I'm just going to try to take it one day at a time for now. Today: shopping trip to stock up on some healthier carbs. Tomorrow, try to survive church service (and BBQ after, if I'm able to handle being around people, or decide to self-care by going home if I'm not). Monday, I get to see T again. I don't want to think anything past that to details like how I'm going to juggle my daughter's activities and whatever meal schedule they expect me to be on. If I do, I'll just collapse from overwhelm again...