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I am feeling remarkable. I mean that b/c I know that over all, this is very very deep stuff and it is good. But I am in this highly aroused emotional state that I am not familiar with. I’ve been trying to describe it to my husband, but it is hard to put into words. I feel like I’ve emerged from a cave long spent in darkness and seclusion from the rest of the world (as I have been emotionally) and I’ve stepped out into this world of wonder that has always existed around me, but I never knew it. The feeling is “Wow, look at this wonderful place. What is this?” But I do not know what to do, where to go, how to fit in. I feel that by my feeling out of place, the expression on my face and in my eyes that I even look like a stranger who just stepped out of a cave.

My body is having multiple sensations and what I might describe as discharges. I would love to ask Shrinklady about that-I know that she has a reference on discharge that I’ve read and I do get those body jerks she describes-always have. But now I am discharging through a more natural and allowed expression through my therapy, but I am experiencing more frequent physical body jerks and sensations that range from light to quite abrupt. It almost feels like over stimulation. I can be fine and going about my business one minute, then get an image or feeling that thrusts me into tears. And these are good images and feelings, and mostly to do with my emotions for My T. I just don’t know exactly what to make of it. I am more sensitive to light and noise that I fear insanity. But I tell myself, no, this too will pass. Sometimes the impulses are so strong that I can’t seem to have my husband hug me tight enough. It’s a very strange feeling. I am partly scared and partly intrigued.
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I just thought of an illustration to describe how I am feeling: Have you ever noticed that when you take a young toddler/infant outside to play for the first time and you put their bare feet onto the grass and how they react to that? Sometimes they coil their little legs up at such a strange sensation that feels totally normal for us who’ve experienced it before. Some even cry, not because it hurts or that it’s painful, but because they don’t understand it or know what it is.
That's very interesting Just Me. I think you're coming out of freeze. Freeze occurs in many forms (e.g. dissociation, depression) Initially it can feel somewhat like you don't have the normal armor. You might feel more alive but also more uncomfortable...that's because you're now feeling more.

When I was coming out of freeze (and just so you know, it's in a matter of degrees), my body was rythmically jerking for a few months. It's great that your husband is giving you tight hugs as that can help.

Remember that discharge is a way your body is letting go of excess bound up energy. As time goes on you're going to feel calmer because of it.

All in all, I think this is a wonderful sign Just Me. In time, your body will relearn to regulate again and you'll be able to manage more.

Take care,
Thanks Shrinklady. I read the page you linked and that sounds like what I am experiencing. I suffered multiple and chronic traumas through the first 20 years of my life and certainly had reason to remain in a freeze, as I am sure many others who have suffered trauma have also. I sure hope that this won’t last too long. I almost feel like I don’t even know who I am at times. Today was better than other days since my children and some of their friends were around to provide a pleasant distraction. I do have a question if you have a moment: Are vivid nightmares common during this phase? I had another bad one last night and my husband had to walk me around the house to help convince me that everything is ok and it took an hour before I was convinced that I was safe enough to go back to bed. I will see my T on Wed and I can talk to her about all that is going on. I really appreciate your reply and I look forward to the calmer days.
Thanks again!
Hi Just Me, well to some degree I'm still coming out of freeze so I'm not sure there's a soon end point for you. However, the intensity will settle down. How long depends on how resourced you are. It sounds like you have wonderful support around you so this will help. It will also help to find ways to physically calm your body. Things like yoga, hot baths or Tai Chi are all helpful if you're ready for them. (All things that are naturally grounding.)

Our memory is state dependent (haven't written that article yet unfortunately) but it's like in this new state, your body is relearning. So, doing some things may feel odd even though you have done them many times.

My guess is that the vivid dreams relate to trauma related material that's now being freed up for processing. I certainly had strange dreams. For several months, in succession, I went through old relationships, starting with the most recent and ending with my father. It was like my brain was re-visiting information for refiling purposes on stuff I had blocked out.

If you still recall the dream you might find this helpful. When clients have had bad dreams, I have them re-make them in my presence and they imagine it happening with a better ending or resolution. This seems to help gain mastery over the nightmare and reduces the fear associated with it.

In one form or another, it's often been said by folks suffering from chronic anxiety, "I don't know who I would be if it was not for my anxiety." You may have forgotten this but I find it so interesting that your signature includes a most apt quote for this time. It seems this is where you are...and now, it's your time to learn about yourself.

Take care,
Hi Shrinklady,

All of this makes so much sense. Sometimes just getting a sense through someone else makes me realize that I am ok. But I also tend to be an information junkie. I like to hear that I’m ok or that I will be ok, but I thrive on the information that proves that this is all normal, or explains why this is going on. This is so much of what I needed though I would not have been able to articulate that before.

Everything that you stated sounds just like what I am going through. Memories and feelings that I already processed are surfacing again like the flipping of contemplated pages of an unread book. Like you said "its like my brain is re-visiting information for re-filing purposes on stuff I had blocked out." That is very reassuring. I get it. Thank you again and again. Smiler :relieved:

Just Me (and I’m ok with that) Wink
or maybe it should be Just 4 Me. Big Grin

Funny how that sort of relates to what My T said last week in reply to my telling her that I really like it here (in her presence) because I feel warm, heard and understood. She said “That’s good, and what you are actually enjoying is yourself, because this is all about you.”

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