Having a little bit of a time here and while the Therapist is away I have had some time to do some thinking.
For the time I have spent in therapy, I have spent most of it in fight or flight. When in engaged in these two responses, I was moving. I hope this makes sense but I will explain a little. These two responses cause an action to occur, a moving away mostly, but nevertheless, action. So, even if these were counterproductive at least I was moving, there was inner movement.
Now that he has shown me he is constant these two things have diminished by at least 50 percent. The energy I was spending while unconsciously doing this was so physically exhausting in my body. I did not realize for years I have lived this way and my body is tired. Now that I am more conscious of it, I try to not respond in this way, observing the wave but not getting caught up in the wave.
Now, this is my most current situation. I am now stuck in the freeze mode. I had thought at least with the other two I was at least having some inner movement. All I do now is just freeze. In session, in real life. No movement. I almost prefer fight or flight because I felt I had some control. This is particularly difficult because I feel as if I am like a flower/butterfly in a glass paperweight. I can not move and I am locked in with no way out.
I have begun to despair because I literally have been freezing up in the therapy sessions. I just can't keep going in there and saying, "My stomach hurts. I am so scared." I am stuck in this place and don't understand why.
My question is what do you do when you are stuck in the freeze response? How do you know what to do when you don't know what is causing the freeze response? I think he is getting tired of me and is now only tolerating me. I have been seeing him for three years and I can't keep going in there saying the same thing over and over again. I did express this to him and he told me I might get tired of saying it but he wouldn't get tired of hearing it and that I was projecting onto him.
I know I am stuck and I don't know how to get unstuck. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for any suggestions. My desperation has reached a new place as I went and saw another counselor (not to replace him because I needed to see someone during the three week break).
She suggested maybe I need to change Therapist and maybe my marriage has suffered too much damage to be repaired. I told her firmly I was not giving up on my marriage and I did not want to start all over with another counselor. I also told her I truly believe if I can work out all of this negativity toward the Therapist then I would be able to work out all of the negativity in my marriage. Am I a fool to believe this? I don't want to give up but I left there so panicked. Time is running out and no one waits for someone forever to come around. My husband has given me a lot of space and he truly cares for me. I just feel so frozen, as if I am locked into this place and can't find the key to get out.
Couples we have known and who have been together for years are now divorcing and when I saw just last night another couple was going through a divorce, I felt as if my breath was being taken away. I don't want our family broken up and if it takes me years to get to where I need to be, then so be it. I just don't want to give up.
I am sorry for rambling but the realness of this has hit me since seeing the other Therapist this week. She is much more interactive than the other Therapist I see but what I appreciate most of the Therapist I see is he has never told me to give up on my marriage. He also believes if I can work all of this out with him, I can work all of this out with my husband.
I feel so lost.
Thank you for listening and thank you for replying.