I have ideas of what he might have meant, but surely he's the only one who could tell you for sure. Sorry your session sucked :-(

My interpretation on this and it is solely my own. Is that perhaps our Ts (none of mine have ever had personal photos except for my first T who had a small pic of his wife on his desk) is that the patient may feel "intruded" upon in therapy. Therapy is our time with our Ts. Our time to feel special and the center of attention with our Ts. It is a mutual space to be shared just between the client and the T. To me it is a sign of respect that my T doesn't have family photos. I think it might cause distress for some clients, and I would be one of them.

Thanks for the responses all.

No, the picture of his daughter does not bother me at all for some reason. She has a sweet smile and I feel that I like her.

I asked him because I was wondering why he keeps his office free of personal life stuff yet he brings his wife into the office and I have to deal with his personal life live and in real time. Does he not think that my dealing with that does not contaminate my therapy?? That seeing them cozily chatting and worrying about running into them or her in real life does not cause a distraction, or prevent me from accessing feelings, have me avoiding topics and preventing me from creating an attachment to him? I can't seem to find that "play space" where I can work on things through the transference I have with him because that space is filled with his real life live and in person.

I would rather have the pictures in the office. That would feel less threatening.

We never finished our conversation today. We were deeply and seriously discussing attachment and my struggle with tolerating some feelings around that and there was about 5 minutes left to session when suddenly there was a loud banging on his office door. I got so scared I thought I was going to be sick right there. I froze. Then I started to cry from fright. He got up and peeked out the door and said to someone... please sit down and wait. Then he said to me we have to end now. I was in a terrible place between our previous unfinished conversation and the abrupt ending with the banging on the door. I was terrified his wife was going to walk in. I knew she was there today.

He did come back and tell me that the woman had a medical issue that caused her to become confused about the date and time of her appointments. I didn't really give a crap at that moment. I was so rattled and felt like I was being thrown out. When I could pull myself together I got up to leave. I put out my hand to shake T's hand and he said no, not until you are present enough to remember. I said I can't be present right now. And then I held out my hand until he shook it and then he said he wanted me to be present but I couldn't do that. So I just ran out of his office.

When I got back to work I checked in and then had to leave my desk for a long while because I was too bruised to be in public. I had a long talk with a very dear friend who helped me to calm down but the rest of the day was rough. This is not the way a session should ever end.

Thanks
TN

Hi TN -

This does sound yuck! So unexpected and disruptive. I wonder if you are up to exploring the thoughts and feelings you had when you heard the knock on the door. You were terrified, and you thought it was his wife.... At that moment you were in a very unguarded place, so your thoughts and feelings could give you helpful information about the deeper significance of this situation and what it's triggering for you. Did it feel like you would be in trouble? That she would be angry? Did it feel like you were going to be physically harmed, or shamed/exposed, or something else?

Hi TN,

I'm so sorry you had such an awful session today.

When I first read your question, I thought your T would mean that he didn't want personal items to interfere with client sessions.

It does seem very confusing seeing that his wife works in the same building, which would contaminate things in a deeper way since you can physically see her.

I hope you can discuss in depth and resolve this in your next session. I hope your next session isn't too far away. Take care until then...

PassionFruit

Oh man ((TN)). That sounds like it was a really disturbing way to end a session. I would not like that either. I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I agree that I think you'll have to have more conversation around your T's comment to better understand just what he meant. I know my T doesn't have any pictures in her office. She has mentioned her kids here and there, never her husband even though I know she's married (I've seen him in the driveway coming or going). I think every T has their own opinion and way about bringing (or not) some of their personal life into the therapy. It does sound very confusing though to have a real live piece of his life so in your face. That would be incredibly difficult, given what you've been through. Small steps forward, that's all you can do. Keep going and keep trudging through the yuck.

's TN

That really was an awful way to end a session. I've had the knock at the door and the insistent phone ringing during my sessions before. T has always been good about immediately focusing back on my and making sure my needs are met. It seems your T attempted to do that but that your reaction may have prevented that care from "landing"? Think back and know that he did care.

I would definatly agree with Jones that your reaction bears some inquiry. What were you feeling then and why.

Jillann

Thank you all and I hope to answer individually when I have more time. What I was feeling (as I can remember) when I heard the knock was that I had to run away or escape and there was no place to go. I felt terror and panic. I felt trapped and I knew there was real danger on the other side of the door. His reception room always represents danger to me because it's not a protective space due to his wife being able to come and go and I have no idea when I will be face to face with her.

I am struggling with the contradiction of T telling me there are no pictures so as to not contaminate my therapy yet his real life wife is working there and walking around and chatting with him outside in plain view. Why can't he just understand that this also contaminates my therapy? I just want him to say that he understands this.

TN

TN, I wonder whether you have considered the possibility that these feelings of intense danger could be a form of emotional flashback?

Absolutely, Jones. I have even told him that his wife triggers emotional flashbacks. I know it's all tangled up with oldT's wife and his violating my privacy with her. It's also my mom who was abusive and my Dad not protecting me from her. And then it's also part of my own self-hatred issues. I have tried to talk to my T about some of this but we have not made much progress. It's just so hard for me to talk about this because I feel that I don't have a right to discuss his personal life. If it was another female T or his receptionist then it would feel more permissable to discuss it.

TN

That makes sense - and I know you have mentioned those connections before.

I can understand your trepidation about discussing his wife, but the truth is you are discussing your personal life, not his. The flashbacks are about you and your history, not him or the wife. That's the nature of a flashback, it happens in you, and it takes its significance from your history. He probably knows that. You have every right to all of those feelings, they are yours, part of your journey and part of the inheritance that makes you richly you.

(((TN))) I'm sorry you had a rough session. I've had janitors try to barge in on my evening sessions and put me straight into a flashback as a result. I agree that it seems a bit of a contradiction to avoid having photos, but openly engage with his wife near the office. I guess, maybe it's because it wasn't the plan for anyone to know she was his wife? Still, I can understand why this is a dilemma for you, how painful and scary it could be. My T does have one photo in the office I go to on Fridays, and a frame with a few overlapping photos in the Monday office. One of the photos has a much younger him in it, so I assume it's him and his wife or him and his family, but I really haven't been close enough to tell, and it's really small. The other is a full face shot of someone. But, because both his offices are shared with other Ts on different days, I really have no idea if all of the photos are even of him/his family. Sending lots of hugs your way.

quote:

I guess, maybe it's because it wasn't the plan for anyone to know she was his wife?

That is exactly right, Yaku. It may have been much better for him to just tell me instead of having me find out for myself and then try to contain my own reactions for a long time before I could even mention this to him. It almost seems worse that they were trying to hide it.

TN

((((TN))))

Hope you are feeling a little better today. My old therapist didn't have any photos around his office. I never asked why but I assumed it was because of his privacy concerns although, towards the end of my therapy, he did say something along the lines of that's why he didn't have any pics of his family displayed. He didn't mention anything about blank slate or contamination although that could have been a consideration at one time.

I totally agree with you that having his wife nearby contaminates the therapy as much if not more than if he had photos. I agree with Yaku that it was probably their plan that no one would find out she was his wife. However, I think he would be safe in assuming, in this digital age, that at the very least some people would find out. It would be naive of him to think otherwise.

It also seems to me that the thinking re: non-disclosure/contamination/blank slate is evolving. He was trained about the time my old therapist was trained, I think, from what you have written. I read a NY Times article and the therapist wrote that people aren't putting up with non-disclosure any more. The internet changes all that anyway. It's harder to control the contamination of the therapy now than it was in the past - if it ever was possible at all. Maybe he is like my therapist and doesn't like to disclose much and that is the real reason. The contamination explanation just gives him a more textbook type of answer to fall back on.

That being said, maybe it never occurred to him that sharing the suite with his wife could have be a "contamination" issue as well. I do get the senes that you are very analytical and looking at everything with fresh eyes while he came up with his therapy frame ages ago and doesn't give it another thought until someone brings something up. You have a good head on your shoulders and, even if he disagreed yesterday with you, you are not wrong. He might have been taken off-guard and felt defensive.

Do you have any idea why his wife shares the suite? Do they save money that way or is the rent the same regardless? I am not a therapist but it does seem odd to me that they would share a suite and I am not sure how happy I would be if that was the setup where I went. My guess is that he is trying to help her get on her feet professionally but that would only make sense if they save rent money? Or to spend more time together?

Would you prefer that he display photo's? Or do you not really care about the photos one way or another and the real issue is why no photos but wifey is sharing suite?

What if the answer really is because he doesn't want to share family photos with his clients AND he wants to see his wife as much as he can but either can't or doesn't want to admit it to himself or to you or both? I watch my kids try to find the inconsistencies in each others explanations such as, "why don't you want to do that?" They try so hard to poke holes in each other's justifications when the "true" answer sometimes is, "I just don't want to."

I feel like I fell into a similar trap with my old therapist - always looking for the inconsistencies in why he did what he did and always finding them. With my therapist, it was the fact that I didn't think he would go for whatever training he needed in order to competently treat me although I never asked him to. I always suspected he would just say, "Liese, I can't do it. I don't have the time, the money or the interest so, basically, accept me the way I am or find a new therapist."

That gnawed at me. And gnawed at me. It didn't matter what he did for me, how many emails he answered, how quickly he got back to me, etc. etc., that thought in my head took away from every kind act he did for me, so much so that really nothing he could do for me would ever have been enough except if he had gone for the training to help me. That would have proven to me he cared about me. Perhaps, that's what is eating at you? That if he really cared about you, he would ask her to find other office space? But in the back of your mind, you might feel that if you ever made that demand of him, either she goes or I go, you are afraid that he would say, "sorry, she is staying"? And so it defeats all the hard work the two of you do towards trust building? Just thought I would throw it out there.

quote:

I am struggling with the contradiction of T telling me there are no pictures so as to not contaminate my therapy yet his real life wife is working there and walking around and chatting with him outside in plain view. Why can't he just understand that this also contaminates my therapy? I just want him to say that he understands this.

TN

Hi TN,

I think this is a contradiction, and I can understand why you would be struggling with it. Having his wife sharing the same office is SO much more likely to cause reactions from clients than a single picture. I wouldn't understand how my T could reconcile this either. It seems like a huge mixed message to me. Just wanted to validate that I think you should trust your instincts. Just sayin'.

(((((TN))))

I'm wondering if your therapist said anything helpful re: the wife situation and/or the lack of photos? Did he see the similarities between the two situations or did he deny them completely? What was more upsetting, the way he reacted or the knock on the door?

My current therapist told me that if I bring up a conflict between us 3 or more times, it means that she is not getting something and she will seek supervision to figure out what it is. It doesn't sound like your therapist is able to help you resolve this issue. Does he seek supervision when he needs it? Or does he just let things fester (like my old therapist did) until you bring it up again and then he reacts the same way he did the first time you brought it up?

My t and her husband share a suite. They also do some public stuff together. I also have therapist friends, a couple, who share a suite. I don't know that it's that unusual. This doesn't invalidate any of your feelings about it, TN, I just wanted to say so for context. There are lots of practical reasons why it might be convenient - for my friends it's just easy because they share priorities about location, price, scheduling, marketing, they can support each other's practices and easily negotiate decisions that come up.

I can see how the picture thing might feel inconsistent and obviously the only satisfying answer can come from him about this. But I wonder if it's about where he sees the boundaries of the therapeutic space. Some might think that inside the room and the hour is the client's, outside it is not. If so, this needn't mean he's reluctant to deal with material that comes up outside - but maybe it's therapeutic fodder, rather than a circumstance he'd change/control, like photos in the room.

quote:

At some point we know we will hit the limit of what they are willing to offer and that is confronting and frightening...threatening.

Yes, Monte, that was it for me. I knew I was at his limit. His practice is just too big and his life too busy. I made me feel very devalued. I "knew" it was something he would not do for me. What I was esentially telling myself and what he couldn't or wouldn't see was, "I like you so much that I'm willing to stay even though I'm getting substandard care and I know I'm getting substandard care and even though I know you would not do the same for me - in terms of learning what you need to know. I'm willing to do all the work here. And I feel really bad about myself for doing that."

It was all a reenactment and it sounds like that's what is going on with TN (sorry to talk about you TN in the third person). It's like we find their most vulnerable spot and push on it and they lose their balance with us. For instance, TN, what if Monte said was true, that he really didn't want her there but she threw a fit? If you knew that, it might make you feel better but I doubt he would ever tell you that because of how vulnerable it is. It's even possible that, assuming it's true for the purpose of the argument, he feels weak himself because he gave into his wife at the expense of his clients but it's just not something he is willing to acknowledge fully yet. It's some kind of enactment for him. Maybe he was unable to say to someone as a child out of fear of losing their love when what it meant was that someone else, someone just as important, got their needs trampled on.

In the end, though, the reeactment for us is that we lose. We always come in second. There doesn't seem to be anyone who will put us first.

And life is just as sad as it always was … I suppose until we find a way to put ourselves first. Maybe we give up that need or maybe we find someone who will put us first or maybe we already have that and just don't recognize it or can't feel it.

Hi TN,

I'm sorry you had such a difficult ending to your session. I had that happen to me once with my P, with someone knocking on the door and then he had to quickly rap up the session. It made me feel as if whatever I was talking about, or my time with him, was insignificant compared to the requests of the person at the door, even though he was apologetic about the interruption.

My P has several family pictures on his desk and I'm assuming they are his children and grandchildren. I don't really find them a distraction to the therapy because the same pictures have been sitting on his desk for years. To me, it makes him more human and less sterile, because it shows me that he is comfortable sharing personal aspects of his life with patients. It could possibly be a different scenario if he had a family member practicing in his office, and I was aware of their interaction.

Hopefully when you return, your T can help you overcome the anxiety created by that interruption.