quote:

At some point we know we will hit the limit of what they are willing to offer and that is confronting and frightening...threatening.

Yes, Monte, that was it for me. I knew I was at his limit. His practice is just too big and his life too busy. I made me feel very devalued. I "knew" it was something he would not do for me. What I was esentially telling myself and what he couldn't or wouldn't see was, "I like you so much that I'm willing to stay even though I'm getting substandard care and I know I'm getting substandard care and even though I know you would not do the same for me - in terms of learning what you need to know. I'm willing to do all the work here. And I feel really bad about myself for doing that."

It was all a reenactment and it sounds like that's what is going on with TN (sorry to talk about you TN in the third person). It's like we find their most vulnerable spot and push on it and they lose their balance with us. For instance, TN, what if Monte said was true, that he really didn't want her there but she threw a fit? If you knew that, it might make you feel better but I doubt he would ever tell you that because of how vulnerable it is. It's even possible that, assuming it's true for the purpose of the argument, he feels weak himself because he gave into his wife at the expense of his clients but it's just not something he is willing to acknowledge fully yet. It's some kind of enactment for him. Maybe he was unable to say to someone as a child out of fear of losing their love when what it meant was that someone else, someone just as important, got their needs trampled on.

In the end, though, the reeactment for us is that we lose. We always come in second. There doesn't seem to be anyone who will put us first.

And life is just as sad as it always was … I suppose until we find a way to put ourselves first. Maybe we give up that need or maybe we find someone who will put us first or maybe we already have that and just don't recognize it or can't feel it.