Omg, CD, this is such a timely and relevant topic for me! I do feel like I'm dependent on my T. I'm not actually dependent on her, as in, I can for the most part regulate myself when I'm upset or emotional. But I have emailed her a couple times and called her once when I was feeling intense shame. Shame is just really hard to deal with, I think. She has told me that I can call or email if I need to....but even with her saying that, I still feel so needy, annoying, and dependent if I ever choose to reach out to her.

I have talked to her about this - about my feelings of dependency and neediness. For me, this stems from me feeling like I need her when I'm upset, crying, triggered by family stuff. Often (more times than not), I don't actually call her and she doesn't find out about my week until I see her in session....but just these obsessive (?) thoughts about her make me feel dependent. I also sometimes look up her website or google her when I'm feeling dysregulated...so there's that. For me, that feels like dependency when I do that. I use her picture and words to try to stop feeling whatever.

So yeah, talking to her has been quite excruciating and embarrassing for me. Being dependent and needy feels SO unsafe and uncomfortable and annoying to me. (as it seems like it does for you too...and probably so many others with attachment injuries or difficult past experiences). She has always been really accepting of me, even when I tell her I feel like I need her and I hate it. She has responded something like, you need me? So what? You can need me. But...even with her acceptance, I feel intense shame and want to just hide for weeks.

But, I am slowly getting more okay with being dependent on her. Recently, we've talked about the shame it brings up for me. And how difficult it is, coming back to therapy week after week when so much shame and self-loathing is stirred up because of therapy, just by the fact of my felt dependence on her (which for me personally feels necessary for therapy to really change me and allow me to become complete). She told me she thought I was brave. I sort of laughed at that...like, um really? I'm telling you I feel like a small, needy child who is horrid and annoying and disgusting. And you think that's brave? haha. Eh.

I know you didn't ask for advice...but I would continue to go to therapy. And allow yourself to feel the dependence as it arises. And talk about it, work through it. I'm not on the other side yet (by far) but I feel like I'm getting there! I once had a dream early on in therapy that I was sitting in my T's office and I had a cat there and she had a cat. Her cat walked over to mine and scratched it on its head. My T quickly picked up my cat and brought it into her kitchen. She started to clean the wound, put antibiotic ointment on, and bandaged it. When I told her that, she was like, hmmm, I'm healing your wounds. I hadn't thought about that (there was more to the dream and I wasn't really concentrating on the cat's thing...). And honestly, I do feel like she's starting to heal some wounds. By accepting me and proving herself safe, despite my INTENSE feelings of shame and self hatred because of the position therapy has created for me. Sorry for the long comment! This is exactly what I've been thinking about the last couple weeks...so I have a lot to say...not necessarily relevant to your topic though. I'm sorry if I strayed too much! ((CD))