Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.

Reply to "Ups and Downs- updated- session"

LL, Thank you SO much. I have nothing to lose by bringing these thoughts up to Cowboy. And, I will...in some weird way I am able to do therapy with him simply because he doesn't really care about me...except as a client of course...I think I could really *feel* old T's care- his care felt *real* not therapisty- and it undid me, it made me speechless, and for some reason it plunged me into the deepest despair I have ever been in.

The thing is, LL, is that that I told Cowboy that I had this idea in my head that if I could just get Old T to love me, I could heal because I can't love myself, so if he loved me, then I would be able to love myself, and then, by extension, sincerely love others. (Remember this is Christian therapy, which I do want) That's when Cowboy asked the question "But, if you *could* somehow find a way to love yourself, what would that mean?" There was clearly a right and wrong answer here...I can't remember what I answered, or if I didn't answer...but I do remember him saying "because then you would have the ability to love others.." And the extension of that was that- clearly, I avoid loving myself in order to avoid having to give love to others, or...take responsibility for changing anything in my life. In other words, I hold onto the notion that I am just a bad person and unlovable out of pure laziness and some kind of chosen malaise.. and if that is true (which I think it is- which is actually proof of my badness anyway-)) my big problem is that I do not know how to change that basic setup in me.

Whereas old T would say...you are not a bad person, you are a deeply wounded person. Hm. but did interpretation then make me powerless to change myself and lead me into the dependency on winning his unconditional "love?" idk...it is a confusing issue.

Yeah, I will try to remember to bring this up to Cowboy, next time. I'm just so afraid to get into this issue. Cause it literally goes nowhere.

yarg.

Thanks, LL, xo,

Beebs
×
×
×
×
×