Here’s a few off the top of my head comments to throw at you:
How about, the reason for being in therapy being to feel better? However that is achieved, it’s not a bad goal, or reason. It sounds like you’ve got a zillion and one shoulds all clamouring in your head – you’re ‘supposed’ to want to take responsibility for yourself – you’re ‘supposed’ to want to effect change for the sake of it – you’re ‘supposed’ to become a ‘better’ person and the most twisted one – you’re ‘supposed’ to be doing this to be able to give to others.
There’s a real chop logic in that bit about your apparently not wanting to love others and that’s why you resist loving yourself. For what it’s worth, I don’t see Cowboy as having said that, he just asked what would it mean if you loved yourself. YOU supplied the interpretation!
Wow if someone said to me, the reason you have to love yourself is so you can love others I’d instantly dig my little heels in and go Like Hell!!!! The reason I want to love myself is so I can get myself out of this neediness trap of being dependent on others for emotional reflection of me as lovable, likeable etc (which doesn’t happen anyway.) Actually, I’d just be happy with feeling ok about being me, never mind the loving and liking bit…
I think I can see why you’re starting to think that Cowboy thinks you’re a bad person (again though, that’s you interpreting, and not what he’s actually saying or showing!) – the way you are describing some of the things he’s saying, albeit out of context, could come across pretty negatively and seemingly uncaringly. Why are you so sure though that he would actively discourage any attachment feelings on your part? Is that really him, or your fears and internal decision never to become attached to a T again?
Do you think you would be able to say to him the things you’ve just said in this post? In the WAY you’ve said them? Might be better to get all these fears and thoughts out in the open where he can at least respond directly to you, rather than you going away and deciding that he doesn’t like you or is getting fed up with you…
*Sigh* this is LL doing the telling Beebs what to do thing again. Sorry.
I guess there is no surprise though that after getting oldT’s positive email, you’d be inevitably feeling the difference between your feelings for oldT and for Cowboy. I hope you can weather this and really open up to Cowboy about what’s going on in you. What have you got to lose?
(((((( Beebs ))))))
LL