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Reply to "Ups and Downs- updated- session"

haha, you too, huh? Yeah can't afford to hire anyone, desperately needs doing, and...H is so busy/tired that I have no options left but to make this happen myself so that I can have my tiny little house back, that is currently full of construction materials and boxes!

I hate sanding drywall...or, more accurately plaster...I had to repair the whole ceiling the other day, because I am not strong enough to lift drywall up there!

I LOVE zoloft. It is my favorite new friend. I just feel sorry for my kids because the only way they can get through the house is by picking their way around boxes and such. Their rooms are livable, though!

Hugs Liese, my fellow drywall sander...

Beebs

Edited to add:

I miss Dr. ***** so much. It hurts all the time. I can't connect with the hurt often, but when I do, OMG it knocks me over. I think Cowboy is getting annoyed with me. I know I'm resistant avoidant and hugely ambivalent and all the rest of it, and he is starting to make the point all the time that I just do that on purpose to avoid taking responsibility for stuff in my life that needs changing. And that is most likely the truth of it. It sounds mean, but he doesn't say it meanly. He just says it. And I do not think he would ever accept an attachment from me to him, not that I have *any* desire or plan to allow that to happen. I have to ask him that, anyway, though...just for the sake of having the info on what his take on dependency is.....what would he do if I were to develop that kind of dependency on him? I have a feeling the answer would be to deflect.

He is really nice though. He says it's his job to say painful things, and ask painful questions. Maybe I just can't do therapy the right way for some reason. I'm just not there for the right reasons. I'm not there to learn to take responsibility for making changes in my life...I'm just there to feel a little bit of interest, to matter a bit to someone. I'm pretty sure after our session lat night, that Cowboy does not think that is a good reason to be in therapy. I need to try to care about changing and becoming a better person, a grown up who takes responsibility for things instead of waiting for my emotions to change so that change can spontaneously happen. I don't know, though...I already *know* how to *act* like I care. What I really want from therapy is to...actually *care.* Without 200mg of zoloft every morning. I guess that can only come from inside me. Unfortunately, I do not know how to *make* that change happen from within. It's the same old problem. Cowboy asked if, I could love myself, what would that mean? And the answer is that I would have love to give to others. So I guess the point he was trying to make is that, I don't want to love others, and that is why I resist finding ways to love myself. Frowner It made me feel like a really bad person. I do tend to think that Cowboy thinks I'm a bad person. It hurts, but I also really kind of don't care what he thinks of me, since...he doesn't care about me in any kind of personal way. He's just nice, when I'm there, and available for sessions and so on. I'm beginning to really question my need to be in therapy. Or is that more avoidance of the painful truth?

I hate therapy.
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