Hello everyone...I just wanted to let you all know that I heard from my old T this morning. He wrote to acknowledge my letter of "official" termination. His letter has permanently confirmed him in my mind and emotions as "good T." His letter was very kind, almost loving. He wrote that he had badly wanted to be able to help me, but that the electronic limitations of the counseling were likely what were preventing it. He said that he thinks he could have helped me if it had been possible to meet in person. He told me that I am not a bad person, and that he had especially wanted me to believe that. He hoped he had gotten through to my H on some issues, and said that it was painful for him to watch. He agreed with me that for the electronic medium, we have gone as far a we can, and affirmed my choice to go to a local counselor, said it was "very good." And He said that he hopes that I will stick with my faith, and that it seemed to him I had met some of my goal in that area, to some extent. He said that he would never forget me, and that he would pray for me. His care and concern came right through just as I remembered it from long ago, and it is both relieving, and also very painful.

I am in trouble now because I cannot stop the crying that had been trapped inside for these long months now, I'm alone with my kids, and they want to know what the heck is wrong. It's like the dam broke. I can't believe how much it hurts me that he remembers and cares about me. It is agony, and I can't possibly dismiss my feelings. I am hoping to be able to find some way of getting through this day. Strangely, it is not bad pain...just a very ouchy pain, but it is really good to be able to feel something, though I have avoided it like the plague.

I'm very grateful to him for writing back to me. I do have the closure I needed now. I feel only, very sorry that I ever thought of him as "bad T." I'm really glad and deeply happy that he is "good T" after all. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in forever.

Thank you for the support during this awful time of waiting, dear forum friends.

Much love, and wishing all of you peace-

Beebs