Oh, BB, I was just complaining to my therapist about the emotional complexity of life and relationships. I've tended to see everyone else as all good and me as bad. (I think that is a slightly different spin on the splitting that borderlines do.)

I dismiss the bad (well, you know what I mean, the stuff that doesn't necessarily meet my needs or is abusive) in people. In fact, I overlook it completely and attribute the negative stuff to myself. Part of what I've been doing in therapy is trying to reconstruct a more accurate picture of these various figures in my life. Mostly I've seen them as all-good but lately I've had to see them as all-bad to protect myself. It's very hard now to let some of the good stuff back in because I'm afraid I won't be able to balance the the overall picture and slant the picture one way.

On an emotional level, it's very difficult because as you noted, if you look at GuruT as good and kind, you are able to keep in touch with your emotional self. But it also sounds like that you need to see him as being evil, in order to prevent yourself from falling apart. And it's so hard to come to some kind of middle ground. Intellectually, maybe. But emotionally is a different story.

Are you saying then, in order to keep yourself from falling apart, that you are basically numbing out? And that's why you are not in touch with your emotions? I'm wondering, though, what, if any, emotions are involved in protecting yourself from falling apart? Maybe anger?

And which emotions are you able to access when you see him being good and kind? Guilt about the failed relationship?

((((BB))))

Sorry this is all so grueling for you. Hope you get to see cowboy T soon.

xoxo

Liese