Beebs, just stopping in to say that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing at this point in time... talking about it... a lot. You need to say it and hear it and have others hear it too and by doing that manyt times over it will eventually lose some of it's power over you.

I really do understand the need to look at what happened over and over and from different angles and perspectives. I know you would like some definitive answers... I would too from my oldT. I never got them. Not from his mouth anyway, but with my T we pretty much figured out what was going on with him and why he abandoned me.

Yet... I also understand the intense feelings of missing someone. Someone that is still alive but it feels like they died, or you died when you separated from them. I still have very strong urges to contact oldT and I have to fight with myself not to email him. I still cry when I think of things we shared or how much I miss Tdog or his lovely old farmhouse and office. I miss that warmth that he was able to exude (not sure if it was ever genuine) but it was quite addictive to me. I miss those feelings that I would get while sitting with him and having him look at me in his unique way and smile at me. I would sit there looking at him thinking he hung the moon. I never dreamed how it all would end. Never in a million years did I ever envision leaving his office for the last time in police custody. I talked about this today (again) with my T. How scary that he put me in a position where I lost all power and choice. That I was at the mercy of others. It's a nightmare that still is not gone from my mind.

And yes, like you I would wake up and think of him first thing every morning and the last thing at night. I would shake with anxiety in the morning and when trying to sleep. I would remember that I lost him and would never see him again and that feeling would just cripple me. Even after I started to see my T, I still struggled with this. I even got mad at my T when he suggested I should think of HIM in the morning when I woke up. I angrily told him that there was no room for him in my head! But eventually I found there was room for him. A teeny space where I could fit in a fleeting thought of what he said the day before or how he made me smile when I was so sad and how he really understood what I was going through. Little by little there was more room for him in my head and I started to "reach" for him in the morning when I was scared and anxious. Now he is mostly there all the time and oldT just pops in sometimes. When that happens I'm usually blindsided by the grief and end up in tears but I can handle it better now.

I do hope you will take all of these feelings to Cowboy T and allow him to validate the feelings and that you will find it safe and comforting to tell him everything.

It WILL get better Beebs. It just takes time.
Hugs
TN