Beebs do you realize that by editing your post to put the trigger warning in, you've wiped out the results of your poll so far?

It's heartbreaking to hear you going through so much pain and agony about guruT. Have you discussed with CowboyT at all the idea of your getting back in touch with guruT? That might actually be helpful for you to work through some of the conflicts going on in you about it and maybe you'll be better able to come to some sort of decision about what to do.

I haven't voted but still incline to putting myself in your place and imagining that I personally would have to make some sort of contact, ask some point blank questions just to feel like I'm doing SOMETHING to get badly needed information. For me uncertainty is the worst thing and even if I knew it could be making things more painful for me in the long run, I'd still go ahead. I figure that I could deal with future pain better than I can live with ground shifting uncertainty in the present. If you were going to get in touch with guruT again, I'd suggest that you be very very clear in the sorts of things you want him to tell you - get your questions really clear so that if he does respond, it won't keep on leaving you hanging in this awful state.

But this is me and I really don't know what would work for you. I just hope you can find a way out of these terrible feelings soon.

((((( Beebs )))))

LL