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Reply to "Ups and Downs- updated- session"

Every post I am reading here tonight is so triggering for me. The universe is making me deal with stuff whether I want to or not...

I am going through this right now. Right this second and all day today.

I did fight for and received a final explanation session with my youngT. It was nice and on the day we planned for my future, I said some nice things about her and vice versa. I walked out of there less upset and felt a little better and understood things better. The actual last session when she termed me - I sad and cried and begged. I begged - and feel humiliated at how much I begged for her to keep me.

But - every single day it comes up again. I have to visit that same practice twice a month - mostly I have to run into her. It is pure, pure agony. Over that termination week I emailed her many submissions trying to win her back. Desperate BPD behaviour. But "she didn't want me". I was too much for her, the conflict of interest with the friends was too much, T was way too inexperienced for my issues etc etc. I sent her 2 emails after we finished and said I wanted her to tell her something, she said she didn't want to know but I said stuff it I am going to tell you - and told her 2 things she should have seen, asked about or at least to suspect in future clients. She never emailed back to "thank" me. But I am sure she will benefit from my advice........

Having another session again, wouldn't have helped me because I have waivered from love, hate, sadness, disappointment and every other emotion I could think of. I just cycle through them depending on the day. Her talking to me again isn't going to help that.

Every time I see T - i cry about it or I bring it up a lot. It doesn't leave me alone. I was saddened to hear what TN and Strummer wrote - that is has taken them both a year of basically constant processing, sadness, talking and tears with new T's to process and resolve. Shit, I have a long way ahead of me.....

I don't think it would help to contact him. I think the future for you and I is to do the TN and Strummer thing and talk about it for the next 12 months and process it until we reach our own resolution. I think it is part of our personal growth.
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