(((((Beebs)))))

When things ended badly with my former T, I felt exactly as you described here, for at least a year after the termination. After our last session, I went back three more times to that clinic, hoping for closure...but never got it. I only got more hurt and confused.

Like TN, I talked about everything with my last T, over and over again. She never seemed to get frustrated or exasperated with me - she was always very patient. And in time, slowly, that feeling of "needing" closure has faded. It was a little over two years ago, and I can honestly say I've completely let go of it now. But it hurt like hell when I was going through it. I actually don't think I've ever been through worse pain than that. It's horrible.

Ironically, if my former T would have been capable of giving me the kind of closure I needed, he would have been capable of giving me the therapy I needed, too. I can look back and say, he's probably been a really good T for some folks. But he definitely did not have what I needed.

Like you, I went through a time when I thought maybe my former T had "engineered" what had happened...but I don't think that anymore. But I do think there was no way to avoid it happening. Because I think what happened is that my needs triggered his unconscious stuff. Which then triggered my stuff in some really painful ways...and we just kept trying to make it work, when it just wasn't. There's no way to end that kind of dynamic "well" other than to just end it and walk away, Beebs.

I spent an awful lot of time and energy trying to make sense of what happened, going back and forth from his being an awful T who deliberately hurt me, to his being a great T and I must have failed horribly. That really sounds to me like where you are caught right now, and I'm so, so sorry, Beebs. It hurts so much, I know. But I really believe, over time working with Cowboy T, as you grow in the therapy with him, you will eventually come to see that your former T just didn't happen to have what you needed. And you weren't wrong to ask for what you needed. And eventually you will be able to let it go as an attempt at a therapy relationship that just didn't work out.

And the reason I believe this is because that is what eventually happened for me. Cowboy T sounds SO much like my last T, Beebs. There are so many parallels in our stories, it's kind of eerie. Maybe you can't see it right now, but you are making tons of progress. I hope this gives you some encouragement. I know you've had some scheduling problems with Cowboy T lately, but I hope you're able to find a way to see him again real soon. You're doing such good therapy with him, Beebs. Go easy on yourself, okay?

Much love,
SG