Hey BB,

Just came on and saw this and felt compelled to respond.

I would choose the first choice, except I don't think it's self-harm. If you classify it like that, then it means that every desire and action we take to move closer to an unhealthy AF is self-harm, and I just don't think that's the right term for it. I'm not sure how exactly I think of it, but I just don't think of it as self-harm at all. You want to move toward him with the hopes that it will give you closure - so you're not *completely* knowingly committing self-harm, since there's still the possibility that it may not be harmful. I guess that's how I think of it...?

I also think that if you were going to get a response from him, you would have already gotten it. Not that I know your T at all, and I could be blatantly wrong here, but that's just my opinion.

You can hold on to some of the good you've gotten out of your relationship with old T, but in trying to remember him as a completely positive figure, you risk unintentionally glossing over the bad which, while completely understandable, is also part of the journey that's gotten you to where you are now. One thing my T suggested to me once was to kind of think as this one person in my life as two different people so that I could have the good and the bad and not let one taint the other, if that makes sense. It's hard to do, but it may be worth a try.

Anyway, gotta run - love and hugs to you, Beebs.