Hi SBRH- nice to see you again. I see that you *are* making progress. When you last posted you were certain that you would never be able to own your feelings for your T to her- and just look- you have. So that is something to celebrate.

One thing you need to know- is that because of therapist and client confidentiality- your therapist cannot tell your wife what you revealed without your permission. That being said, when the time is right open communication is probably your best course of action. I strongly recommend that you reveal this in the context of the therapy. Doing it alone without the help of your couples or other T to explain it to your wife, might lead to a lot of terrible misunderstanding about it, as it is likely that your wife may not understand the nature of transference and may think of it as you being "unfaithful" to her- which isn't true. I think exploring the transference may well be the therapy you and wife need- because if you are not getting the support you need from you wife to be the husband and the father you long to be- then it is of course natural that you will try to (unconsciously) get those needs met elsewhere. and that is perfectly natural and normal part of therapy. So talking about it with the help of your T can help ease your wife into a more supportive role so that you at least are getting some of your needs for understanding and appreciation and acceptance met by your wife, along with your T.
Your feelings may be telling you that you are no good- but I see otherwise. I see a man who longs to be accepted, is honest, and clearly cares deeply about his wife even in spite of not getting what you need from her, and his children. I see someone who is being really honest about something terribly difficult and vulnerable. You ARE making progress SBRH. It just doesn't feel that way because of the pain. Don't give up on yourself. You are a great guy. Clearly. I understand how the pain of transference can sap all our energy and make it impossible to give anything to anyone. But- on the other side of the pain you will come out better and stronger and more sure of yourself and your own innate goodness.

Sending you loads of support- and respect, too-

Blackbird