In about one day, I will be sitting in T's office trying to have this ridiculous conversation about how this paternal dynamic is effing me up and I still don't even know what I'm going to say or how to say it. I've texted him that I'm having anxiety attacks about something I know we need to discuss, so I doubt there is any getting out of it unless I dissociate into a barely verbal state and just can't. I haven't driven him away with my ridiculous thoughts or behavior so far (which he even has the courtesy to deny are ridiculous), so I have no logical reason to believe he'll be repulsed and push me away. But it feels like such a certainty.

I tried to explain to my husband that if T allows this transference to exist or fosters it (even unintentionally) like he has been and then suddenly withdraws, it will break me and the trust I have built with T. Hubby laughed at me and sarcastically said, "Seriously? Break you? You'll never bounce back? You won't ever be able to trust him again?" Am I crazy for feeling that that would be severely re-traumatizing? I don't think I have trusted anyone but my husband and maybe my pastor with the reality of me, and both of those people have known me for years, not months. T has gotten so deep, so quickly...and now the idea of that trust makes me feel an inconsolable loneliness.

What I need to hear is that it's OK to let myself accept these feelings, to attempt to release the shame I use to regulate them, and utilize them to get at what's underneath (the abandonment, neglect and abuse I can feel only ambivalence about) and he will be there for me as long as I need, no matter how heavy it gets, until I am ready for him to slowly step back, more able to relate to and rely on God as my Father, and have built other trusting relationships.

PLEASE, can T say exactly that? Can he say that what I need from him is not too much? That it's not wrong and sick? That it's understandable to need him for now? That I can trust him with that need? That one too many mistakes on my part won't drive him away? I need to know he will be careful and tender if I'm going to open up that box marked FRAGILE. It's full of broken shards of me that I've always thought were too sharp for anyone to help me put back together, because allowing them to be touched can only cause damage to anyone who comes into contact with me.

I keep feeling like an angry shift is going to happen and I'm going to go to that place where all I want is to abuse and starve my little victim into submission to keep this need at bay. If I end up back where I was a few weeks ago, I may seriously have to quit, because I'm exhausted by these sick spirals!

Thanks to everyone for letting me vent and putting up with me posting so much so soon after joining. I haven't been letting myself do my introspective journaling, because it will negate any chance I have of sharing with T on a feeling level. But some of this anxiety had to find a home somewhere...