Once again feel called to apologize for the quantity of my writing. It's kind of just something that happens. You can imagine what a kind, patient guy my counselor is to be working a full-time practice (out of three offices), have a family, participate in church and make time to read all my (projection) BS.

Also, to answer the question about expressing myself simply, I really struggle with that, because I get so afraid of being misunderstood. For instance, if I said things simply like, "When you call me 'Kiddo,' I feel parented and cared for, which hurts, because I start to realize that absence and I honestly don't know if I'm allowed to receive nurture anymore as an adult." I feel from experience he would apologize for triggering me and think I was asking him to avoid that word, when I just wanted my reaction to be understood, validated and to be given permission to still have those needs. If I give more explanation, I guess I feel at least I won't be rejected out of him misunderstanding me. Also, I'm afraid T telling me to just invite Christ into those feelings will feel like he is telling me I am not allowed to have them. Rejection again. I'm just too worn down from self-restraint to keep this up the way I have been.