Monte - my T also sits about five feet away (well, I am now comfortable enough that sitting in the closest possible location leaves me four or five feet away) with a coffee table in between. I'm a married woman and he's a married man and we're both Christian, so I wouldn't want him to do anything that made him uncomfortable...but I'm not sure I'll be able to relax enough to show my vulnerability without at least proximity. He's read as much in my journal, but he's also read how physical touch feels very awkward (i.e. I feel it's a burden to touch me), so even if he were willing, he's probably getting mixed messages from my end.
I'm really blessed that he puts up with reading my journals/texts, since I am unable to communicate verbally about anything that "means" something.TN: What I know about attachment is more from the Early Childhood Education courses I took a few years ago. I utilize the information I learned there with my daughter and the child I provide daycare for out of my home. So, I guess I've studied healthy attachment, but not broken attachment (other than a web search here and there). I hesitate to self-diagnose, because I really have no basis to do so, but the closest description I've ever read is borderline personality disorder.
Your description is fairly accurate. My mother was very erratic, undependable, scary (throwing things constantly) and yes I sometimes had to parent her along with my younger siblings. I was usually not on the receiving end of physical fights, because I dealt with her by always trying to be better, both better than her and better than anyone could expect. I didn't always succeed, but I guess I kind of went into martyr mode (and this was before I became a Christian) and sacrificed my needs into oblivion. The week I found out I got into Stanford, I was kicked out of my Mom's house for trying to stay neutral in an argument she was having with my sister. I spent one Summer there and have pretty much never gone back.
My dad was very dependable (emotionally detached, but reliable), until he remarried and I saw him only on weekends, where he had to split time between work, his new wife and me. Seeing him on weekends meant I no longer spent that time with my grandmother (his mother) who was the only consistent caregiver I had. By high school, I ceased seeing him regularly at all. I think I actually stopped being willing to receive help/support from them beyond food and clothing in early middle school.
As far as abuse, my oldest sister said I witnessed my mom's boyfriend throwing her into the wall and dragging her down the hallway by her hair when I was five. I remember knowing that the boyfriend had caused a hole in the hallway wall, like someone had told me a story about it, but have no memory of the event. I don't think I was ever physically abused (beyond putting myself in the middle of others' fights), but I have whole periods of time where my memories are more like general narratives of "how things were." For instance, I don't remember anything changing when my mom had a complete mental breakdown at six. Either I had such minimal contact with her that it didn't seem weird that she was absent or I've blocked it out.
There was a lot of emotional abuse, being told I wasn't good enough, wasn't helping enough, "I don't care," having my mom threaten suicide to me. But I really can't get much beyond, "That's kind of messed up, but whatever."
In terms of dissociation, I have kind of noticed five "states" that I get into that seem to mostly exclude the others: Intellectual, Caregiver, Anxious, Angry/Self-Abuse and Victim. The first two are useful and I can control. The last two are at odds and kind of take me over and get me into cycles where I reach out for help with my overwhelming feelings and then get so angry about that behavior that I can't help but berate/threaten the needy victim part. I'm always "there" so-to-speak, but when I come through one of those states, it's like I can't even relate to the feelings and thoughts I was having even a few seconds before. They don't make any sense.
As far as my T goes...this may sound stupid, but I have no idea what his approach is. I know he heavily incorporates spirituality (which works for me), but being fairly new to counseling, it really never occurred to me to ask or analyze his "style."
I just noticed there is a "Transference II" topic. Should I be posting over there instead? I didn't mean to reopen an inactive thread if that's what I did.
I've been stewing over how to have this conversation with T most of the evening and it kind of makes me heart-sick, if that makes any sense, to imagine being this vulnerable with something he has the power to offer or deny me. All I can think to say is something along the lines of: "I've been aware, and commented on, my caution around anything that feels like a paternal dynamic. I've been sensing that dynamic here for a while and I think a lot of the reactions I have been having are related to my resistance to allowing myself to participate in those feelings, because of fear, shame and guilt. I don't know if it's something that you have purposefully attempted, consciously allowed, were unaware of or even is just all in my head. I imagine if I have been aware of it enough to comment on it, you have probably realized it, perhaps before I did. I don't necessarily need an explanation and I don't actually mind if we utilize that dynamic as part of this process, but I do want to ask you to please be very careful with me in this area. Abusing myself over these feelings was very damaging, but allowing myself to accept them puts me in a very vulnerable place and I don't feel like I can handle being re-traumatized by rejection." But, I feel, again, like I am manipulating T into accepting me/my feelings when he might not be naturally inclined to. I don't really fear that he will reject or abandon me completely, but I go back and forth on whether it is appropriate for me to want to be nurtured by people instead of taking those needs to God (from my spiritual perspective). Obviously, we were designed to be in relationship with one another, but I get stuck on this concept quite frequently...probably as an excuse to avoid risking dependence on people who might fail me.
Anyway, part of me fears he will just (lovingly) say that God wants or needs to fulfill that role for me and then move on. It's not that I fundamentally disagree, but if my lack of ability to receive nurture on a human level prevents me from accessing it spiritually as well. I don't know. I'm feeling incredibly lame about the whole thing. I made the mistake of texting him that I felt called to discuss something in our next session, so now I probably can't get off the hook with it either.