Hi Yak and welcome to the Boards. I'm glad you are finding validation and explanation here. I know you will also find support.

I am exhausted and need to get some sleep but I wanted to welcome you and to just say that you sound very much like a classical case of "disorganized attachment". Do you know anything about attachment theory? When you say that you want to be with your T but you also want to run away from him that tips me off.

I may be off base and I apologize if I am but I would take a guess that your caregivers in childhood were erratic, undependable and more importantly alternately scary TO you and seemingly scared OF you and in taking care of your needs. There may be any and all kinds of abuse and trauma in your background. Perhaps you had to learn to parent yourself or your siblings and even your parents. You did not get your needs met as a child and felt very alone. Maybe you used dissociation to cope with situations that were too frightening for a child to handle.

I have a disorganized attachment and a trauma background and much of your posts resonated with me.

Again, I apologize if I am wrong and off base.

BTW, what kind of therapist is your T? Does he do CBT, psychodynamic, relational, etc.

Look forward to getting to know you.

True North