I'm 30 and in therapy after a very traumatic year related to my husband being diagnosed with a sleep condition (details aren't PG). I have limited prior experience with therapy, including a few weeks at 10-years-old for nightmares and some family sessions in middle school. Hubby and I are both seeing the same T (a clinical psychologist and MFC who incorporates a spiritual dynamic), but individually, and for mostly unrelated problems, other than his condition being the initial trigger. I know that can sometimes be problematic, but hubby has been seeing him for about a year and I have been for about five months and it has been a positive experience so far, especially helping T understand me better through the lens of the partner I choose to be with.
My background, which I've spent years saying "so what?" about rather than deal with, is a lot of paternal neglect, I guess. I pretty much never had a connection with my mom, due to several factors: post-partum depression when I was a baby; her breakdown when I was a young child when my older sisters were abused by her boyfriend (which I guess I witnessed, but have no memory of) and moving to their Dad's; a series of unstable relationships; working her butt off as a single mom; and general instability. I think there was more than a decade of my childhood during which our only physical contact was me getting in between her fights with my older sister or her boyfriend. She was emotionally abusive, physically attacked those who fought back, would kick her children (including me) and boyfriends out of the house regularly for minor arguments and had her older children (again including me) practically raise the younger ones, who are 10, 11 and 16-years younger than me. Anyway, blah blah, big deal. Again, so what? It's how I grew up, it seems normal to me and I am able to invent all sorts of excuses for her behavior that make me able to have a relationship with her today. This information is just to avoid the suggestion that I see a female therapist, because I am conscious of pretty negative transference toward most women in authority and can't get past step one unless they are "attached" to a male I trust (like talking to my pastor and his wife at the same time).
In the case of my Dad, due to my Mom's instability, he was in and out of the house until I was eight and then out for good. He was never affectionate, but was very engaged (playing sports, video games, helping with homework), and then remarried and I was told my step-mom was "done raising her children" and he mostly checked out of my life and into hers, which continues to this day. I don't think I really recognized my relationship with either parent as that strange until having my daughter (2.5-years-old) allowed me to experience the other side of parental affection.
T knows all of this information through our conversations and me sharing extensive journaling (about 100 pages, single spaced since I started counseling). Anyway, since middle school, I have struggled with transference...and unfortunately was usually conscious of it. I tend to look for supportive, older males to fulfill a fatherly role. However, shame about being needy/dependent (probably defending against abandonment) and guilt over replacing my parents instead of being willing to confront/risk trusting them again usually keeps me from indulging in building trusting relationships with others when this paternal dynamic is present. The exception would be allowing a mentoring relationship (as I have had with a few teachers). I basically feel like I am "cheating on" my parents (and my husband, God) for seeking out other people to depend on.
The result is usually I starve the neglected/needy part of me into submission by not allowing it to connect with anyone (T has noticed I easily dissociate this part and also anger), otherwise I can't stand myself. However, my T is very good at building trust/safety with me, so that didn't work this time. My instinctual reaction to building a deep trust with him so quickly was emotional self-abuse, which grew into some pretty scary self-destructive inclinations (been there before during two previous extended depressive periods in high school and at Stanford, but this was the worst). I think I'm starting to come through it now, thank God!
I'm assuming my T must know I'm struggling with transference with him, because I have discussed my abandonment issues, fears of rejection, irrational projections of judgment openly with him. I have also shared journal entries that specifically relate my desire to punish myself or quit counseling, because building this level of trust in a relationship that will eventually disappear (because it is of a professional and not personal nature) is scary as... I'm trying to move beyond that fear and trust that when the time comes, I may be sad to lose it, but I won't "need" it anymore.
What I don't understand is T sometimes acts very fatherly toward me and I'm not sure if it is conscious (on purpose for some reason) or counter-transference. For example, he has called me, "Kiddo" several times, which is a nickname my Dad called me and I used with my younger siblings. When I informed him, he initially apologized, but I told him it wasn't that I minded, but thought he should be aware of it. He has used it at least five times since then and has toned down modes of questioning that I reported reminded me of never feeling like I could get the "right" answer with my Dad...so I assume it is on purpose, but I'm not sure exactly what that purpose would be. He says when I allow my emotional side to emerge (usually intellectualize as I'm doing now), it seems almost teenage. Maybe he is trying to "parent" me through that state? I don't know.
I am planning to bring up the topic openly with him next session, because the last few sessions my fear of going any deeper only to eventually lose that connection has kept me barely able to talk. As in, I retreat inside my head, only somewhat aware of what T is saying, and start sketching rather than noting our conversation or my thoughts. I could just journal it and email him as usual, but I feel it's important to push through and actually talk about it, intimidating as it is. I'm afraid even writing all this down here has turned it into an intellectual thing. I'm still incapable of "feeling" in front of him and not sure I will ever be able to. I pretty much only do so with my husband, because I only feel safe enough to do when I have physical contact (a hug, a hand on my shoulder, etc.) to ground me. While I feel I "need" that grounding, I also feel awkward and guilty thinking of anyone else doing so. I'm not sure what his policy is on that stuff as I've only ever shook his hand and had him tap me to get my attention when I was listening to music and didn't hear him approach. Anyway, that's mostly unrelated.
Basically, I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach the conversation on whether this paternal dynamic is conscious (for a purpose), unconscious because he has kids around my age or just in my head. I have no reason to believe he'll be anything but kind and supportive, because he's dealt well with all sorts of irrationality so far. But it's still scary to have the conversation. Also, how to be emotionally present in counseling and stop "blanking." It can get kind of expensive to show up and say almost nothing of substance.