Hi I am new to this site, I actually found it by googling transference. lol. I've read through almost every single post on here regarding it. I found great comfort in the things said.

I've been having sexual thoughts about my therapist recently, who is a female by the way. And it's really been creeping me out. I do find her to be very attractive. But then again, I think everyone is attractive except me. I have a extreme self-hatred and I am extremely overweight. I often feel uncomfortable in her presence or people in general simply because I feel so ugly. I don't want to have sexual thoughts about her. I must admit I do struggle with my sexuality, so that makes it even worse and more confusing. I've been only seeing her for about 5 months twice a week. I've had a lot of therapist come in and go throughout my time in counseling. There is so many questions I want to ask and so much I want to say, but I am just so overwhelmed by all of it I guess. I don't have any friends. And the only social contact I have with the world besides my co-workers, who don't really talk with me is my therapist. The dynamics have definitely been interesting.

I really do like my therapist a lot. I just wish I understood why I have the feelings I do and why now? Even though I've had counselors in the past, I've only had one that I got really close too. She moved away though, I don't think I've ever grieved that loss. I think I was afraid to at the time, I think I dunno. I often think about her alot, and the time I had with her and I find myself filled with longing and emptiness at the same time. I wonder will I ever find someone who's just like her? It's very hard to think about. I miss her deeply.

These relationship attachments make me scared and I am not sure what's normal anymore. I mean the current therapist I am seeing right now, she is very sweet like the therapist that moved away that I was close to but at times something just seems to be missing. I feel guilty for my unsettledness at times. I know that my current therapist, will never be my old one and I shouldn't compare the too. But I often do.

I am just really scared of the place I am with my therapist. You see, there are a lot of things that, ugh I dunno. There's just so much inside of me that I've been thinking about and obsessing about and I had no one to talk about it with not even my therapist because she went away for the holiday season for 2 weeks and didn't even let me know that she was going away until 2 days before she left. I didn't think it would be big deal, but after she was gone, I was all alone.

I have no one. No friends. My family is in a completely different state, and at that we aren't close and practically don't talk. I hate to say it, but it's true right now...all I have is her and it stinks. Because she is so inconsistent and undependable. Heck, I can't even call her and know that she will return my phone call.

I met with her yesterday for the first time since she's been back, and here I was anxious and eager to see her because I missed her. I had all these things inside of dying to see her and share. Needless to say the session did not go as plan. And there is always more on my heart and going on in my life than what our hour allows to talk about. I just feel so darn stuck and frustrated.

I know that she cares deeply for me. And at our last session before the holidays she actually said "I love you", while hugging me. And I've never heard a therapist say that before to me. So I was a little surprised and I asked her to say it again and she did. I wanted to say it back so badly, but I was scared. I was scared to let her get close to me or whatever. Even when she hugs me at the end of our sessions, I so badly want to rest in her embrace, but I am so scared. And I can remember when we first started counseling, I so desperately wanted her to be close, touch and hug me and she didn't and I was angry. But now she does show those gestures quite freely, and I literally freeze and tense up. How come the very thing I want and crave, I fear or don't know how to enjoy it. She scares me and yet at the same time makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I don't know what's going on. I know that for the first time in therapy I am beginning to talk about some really important traumatic things in depth, unlike before in previous therapies. So maybe that's it. I've also have had a really tough year, and just tough life time and have had several people just dropp out of my life without any clue as to why. There is just so much going on and on top of this these weird feelings toward my therapist. Combined with confusion on my sexuality and religious beliefs. I feel so lost and alone.

Can anyone else relate or understand. I am so sorry that I wrote so much. I just feel so vulnerable and alone.