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Reply to "Update on Transference"

quote:
Originally posted by Charlotte:
JM, How can you step on my toes when I am the one seeking for all the advice I can get. I am way stronger than you think in that respect. I can take out of what you say and understand what I need for my personal use and forget the rest....

Hi-I’m JM, I worry too much. Red Face :embarassed:

Anyway, it is a relief off my mind to know that you are ok w/ whatever I say, and I promise that I will only say something if it comes from my heart. It is not that you are any less fortunate than I am; it’s that I am just as fortunate to have found this website and many people to relate too. We all have very similar experiences with our therapy and I am sure that many others will tell you the same thing. There is a good sense of community here on this forum where we take turns helping each other; each having so much to give with their own valuable insight and experience. We all experience our ups and downs, our love and hates, our fantasies and disillusionments about therapy and our therapists. This certainly is a grounding station for me. Smiler
quote:
...but my question now is...am I doing it for my hubby...or because of the new feelings for my T??


I can relate to this too, Charlotte. I started therapy 2 ½ yrs ago fringing on obesity. I had made up my mind that this is not where I wanted my life to go anymore and had begun eating healthier smaller portions w/ minimal results. But when I entered therapy I also started exercising, I believe in part because my T takes such good care of herself that she became a role model for me (I am sounding like a broken record with this line, but it fits). The pounds began to shed away and I liked the way I was looking: More like the me from four years past and more like the young woman my husband married, who was enjoying this too. Wink But something else was manifesting during this time and that was the sexual attraction to my T and part of me wanted her to notice me too. Big Grin I was able to go out and buy new clothes, I styled my hair differently and I received a lot of comments from everyone not just on my looks, but on the new inner person that was being revealed. Therapy was changing me from the inside out and for the better and I took advantage of its momentum and made even healthier choices, often with my T in mind. (I started running again and would always imagine her running beside me) But what became the most important factor is that “I liked” what I was seeing and feeling about myself and it was being done for "my benefit". The bottom line is that we can’t hinge our changes on someone else (husband or T) because then it won’t last. However, we CAN use those results as a catalyst but then we need to make sure that this is ultimately for our own benefit as I’m sure you already know.

BTW: We are having an interesting discussion on the” General Theory of Love” thread. River brought up this very thought, on how we do become molded by our T’s. Even if you have not read the book yet I think there are some juicy tid-bits being shared that you might enjoy. Hopefully there will be more comments on it, but our T’s DO become this new lens that we use to compare our old thoughts and beliefs to more positive new ones of their design. So there is a great influence.

Allowing our relationship w/ our T to be what it needs to be and walking the line of obsession and “fantasy cheating” can be a tough one. I’ve been there, ok. And I am sorry that I can’t promise that this will be a short-lived feeling, but it will require a lot of work on your part to try to neutralize it the best that you can and this will require (and yes, I’m going to say it again) honest, open, frank discussions w/ your T. There is no other way around it. Oh and if I am in anyway making this sound easy, don’t even think about it being easy. It is not easy to sit face to face with your T and divulge your inner most thoughts and fears about him. But it does GET a LITTLE easier each time.

It is really nice to get to know you Charlotte. And I really hope that you can experience a real healing from your therapeutic relationship and that your husband will see the benefits for you and that it will benefit him too. Let us know how your session goes this week.

Talk to you soon!
JM
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