It’s good to know that we’re not psycho even though we feel like we are sometimes.
I understand the whole preparation and anxiety and even going over and over what you will say to your T and how you will bring this agonizing subject up. Perhaps when you see him next you can simply open with “Can we talk a little about transference, because I think that’s what’s going on with me?” While he might be inclined to start asking you questions about what exactly you are feeling (which if you can answer them fine) if not tell him, “This is really hard for me can you tell me your knowledge and experience of it to help break the ice?” I don’t know if this is how you are feeling, I tend to make things more complicated sometimes, but I know the fear that no matter how many times you hear that it is ok and that transference is completely normal and acceptable, you still stand back and wonder “Then how come it doesn’t FEEL normal? Are you sure I’m not a nut case?” Setting a completely honest and open dialogue with your T is the best thing you can do for yourself. It opens up the hollows of things long thought lost and helps them to know how to help you. If there is a physical attraction to him, allow him to know that (not in a flirtatious way-Although I know the temptation may be great)
but so that he knows what you are going through and what you are experiencing. He won’t kick you out to the curb, but he will know that you are now primed for the real process and work of therapy to begin and any detail you reveal helps him to apply his knowledge and experience in how to best help you. Meanwhile I am glad that your desperation has eased up to some degree. It’s an occasional facet of therapy that we all love to hate.
FYI: Last I knew both of the books are available on Amazon.com.
Keep us posted and enjoy your journey!
JM