Welcome to the forum. I know that drowning feeling! But you’re ok.
No, a therapist is not going to turn you away because of transference. So let me try to alleviate that fear for you front and center, because that is exactly what I was afraid of when I finally confessed my feelings to my T. I was afraid that she would find me disgusting and my feelings intolerable. (We are both hetero-sexual females, so as you can imagine this threw me for a loop because of the homo-erotic transference.) But when I did tell her, and believe me it took most of the session to even get it out and I did a lot of squirming and shifting the whole time, she was very sympathetic, warm, and she reassured me that this was a normal phenomenon and that she is ok with it and absolutely would not terminate our sessions or send me away. I was sooo relieved! I am sure that your T will tell you much of the same and that transference is a good thing because it allows us to mend the past through a present relationship. Every thing you are feeling in the transference with your T is manifesting from past experiences from your primary attachment figures (parents) and needs to be worked through. It provides a looking glass so to speak and through the gentle guidance of your T you will be able to discover a new sense of self and uproot many old beliefs and patterns that inhibit your life and relationships to this day. Many of us have been and are in the same boat and Shrinklady has posted a great page on transference, you probably already read that but just in case you missed it here’s a link:
http://www.myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=18
As you describe how you came to notice the “concerned look on his face and feeling his presence in the room,” you are describing a sense of someone who is completely there for you in that moment that strikes a limbic chord that reaches far back into your developmental years. This is a beginning of myriads of connections that a good therapist can make. This is a very intimate relationship where he is hearing you like no one else ever has, or could for that matter. This is all a good thing Charlotte. When you tell your T, and I urge you to tell him, watch his facial expressions, listen to his reply. I am sure you will find gentleness and understanding there that you deserve. I hope this helps alleviate some of your desperation. You are not alone Charlotte, as you can tell by the transference thread being the most active thread on the site. And as far as your emotions, you are exactly where you need to be and are on the threshold of many emotional, yet exciting changes in your life. It will be a roller coaster sometimes, but if you don’t allow yourself to go there you won’t get better.
And Charlotte, what is going on between you and your husband may have more to do with unresolved childhood issues on (likely both) your parts which manifest themselves in relationships throughout our lives, and quite frankly more intensely in our mid life if they hadn’t yet been dealt with properly. Another clear indication that there are things that need to be resolved personally. And as for a hug from T, I encourage you to ask him what his policy is on hugs. But be prepared that if he says no it may FEEL like a million tons of rejection, but that would be something you need to talk about and work though for its meaning is far deeper than the present feelings of rejection. If he allows a hug and where that hug could plunge you emotionally is hard to tell, but again that is what you would talk to him about and he will guide you through it, hopefully in an utmost professional manner worthy of your trust.
Again it was good to hear from you. I hope you stay in contact and ride it out with us. I wish I had this forum 2 years ago when I was struggling with it so hard.
I am going to make 2 reading recommendations for you right off the bat:
1) In Session- by Deborah Lott. This book is a wonderful tool for understanding transference and how it affects clients. It helped me to feel “normal.”
2) A General Theory of Love-Thomas Lewis, MD. This book is great in helping to understand the neurobiological connections that are happening to you and why they need to happen. There is also a “book club” type thread on this forum too.
I hope this helps.
JM