I really appreciate your feedback and advice and concern. The best thing for me was that this forum was here to read about/research what was happening inside of me. I am feeling somewhat clearer in myself. this is a core issue and will take time and careful stepping, reflecting and trusting of myself.
In response to Shrinklady's email. My T asked me for assistance with something she wanted to learn about and opened the idea of us having a friendship. It is like we have reached a point where we have an opportunity to walk a journey together as practitioners and learn from having a relationship. We are still walking the ground between friendship and therapeutic relationship. She has used appropriate disclosure during our sessions that was useful to my self-understanding. There are obvious power differences in play in this transition and all the fears that go along with that. My fears are about "can I trust"? The real question is in truth only about me. Can I trust myself to take care of myself and keep myself safe? I am beginning to trust myself to keep myself safe and to know how to place myself with someone who cares for me and has that degree of power (ie a parent). Perhaps it wont work out, however, perhaps it will. I stand to lose a lot, yes, however I also risk gaining a lot from a friend and equally from myself in relationship. Perhaps she is not the one to be doing this depth work with or perhaps this is the in depth work being worked through in relationship. Other signs in my life tell me that it may be time to move on and have other therapeutic experiences anyway. Time will tell.
There are different ways to engage in thinking about the world - left brain and right brain are useful ways to describe what I am trying to say. I think that the frameworks that we are using to discuss this here in this forum, are left brain. I suppose I am with my T in right brain territory using feminist/client lead/ community development/structural and spiritual/intuitive frameworks for trying to take this journey of relatedness. I find it helpful to use left brain language to find the words for what I am experiencing. However, the other part of me is really up for the experience and the learning that is possible.
My upbringing had me subjected to analysis and things being done to me, not with me. My folks were the experts at everything, including me, they thought. I always believed that if I opened up to counsellors etc that it would be the same power differential. Plus, as my T noted, I was so fully defended and guarded mentally that there would have been no way in. I would have argued the point and the process with the best of experts and never allowed myself to become vulnerable to their analysis. It was through the bodywork that the wisdom of self was allowed to show itself and I gained confidence in the therapeutic process and my ability to be my own expert and witness.
I have been dwelling on a conversation that I will have with my T about the process of changing our relationship. Perhaps she is not the person to work through this attachment/transference with. I am sure she will have some things to say that I can use to reflect with. I am sure the things that I bring to our relationship, as a person, will also challenge her to grow as well. This conversation will happen outside of session on neutral ground and will require me to be quite clear about my boundaries and quite clear about the truth of my feelings. It is will also be about being aware of sharing the space with her and not monopolising our relationship with my issues. We have agreed to have this conversation this week. Perhaps there are more murky waters ahead. Perhaps there is sun through the clouds ahead.
I intend to articulate my feelings of what has been defined as transference. Although the transference issue may sit between us for a time. It may be something that we can both sit with until it changes - I will find out in our conversation. Or it may have to wait until I am involved with another therapist to assist me to be with it.
It is all part of this wonderful journey called Life.
Thank you my friends. I will keep you posted on how it goes.