Hi Em and welcome!

It sounds like the change in the boundaries of the relationship with your T has put you on unsteady ground. If you have read through the previous posts on this topic you'll notice how many times we have praised and complained about our T's strong boundaries that provide the safety we need to allow us to be completely vulnerable with them. I know how much I have wished to be friends with my T, she is such a neat person. But I also know that in a friendship I am naturally more careful about what I say or do in the interest of keeping the friendship going. Plus a friendship for me is best when I am on equal ground with someone, she helps me and I help her, a lot of give and take. A therapeutic relationship is structured differently, my T gives me a listening, nonjudgmental ear, support, encouragement, insight, advice, strength, reassurance, etc, and I give her my commitment to the process and payment. I can be completely and brutally honest if I need to without worrying if she will still like me and will still be my friend. This arrangement has created the only safe place in my life that I can be completely who I am exactly as I am in that time and place. Since my life was been molded by my fear of rejection and not being loved if I wasn't perfect, the freedom to simply just be myself has been a stronghold during a violent storm.

I have experienced transference with friends and my T and both have been hard. The major difference for me is that I could admit my feelings for my T because I felt secure that she wouldn't think I was weird or creepy. I could never image trying to confess these feelings to a friend because of the burden it would place on them to either fulfill my longings or walk away and since no one can fully satisfy my longings to be cared for and loved as I should have by my parents, anyone trying would ultimately fail and eventually walk away.

Em, this has been my experience and my not relate directly to yours. For me, I resented my T's boundaries concerning her not sharing much of her personal life and not ever being able to be my friend for the longest time. But when I started understanding what transference was and how it could help heal me I became much more grateful for the boundaries. I like how AG has put it in her earlier "epiphany" post: http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/2391009181/m/443...664#9421002664[/URL]

I am afraid that the only helpful suggestion I can think of would be to maybe consult a therapist completely unconnected with everyone involved for an objective point of view. I do applaud you on your ability to see the potential trickiness of the situation of creating a triangle between you, your T and her friend. I think your instinct and the growth you have accomplished so far have served you well.