quote:

Good. I am sorry if I trailed off too much on that. I certainly respect that you know where you are therapeutically. I tend to get analytical and I hope that it doesn’t become a nuisance to anyone. I don’t intend to try to “teach” anyone.

Hi JM,
Please don't ever worry about that. I really appreciate the input and even being questioned. I know I have blind spots which is why it is so valuable having contact with other people who understand what it is like to deal with this stuff. Your sharing your experiences either reassures me about my understandings or helps to provide insight into what I'm dealing with. Both are welcome!

The session with my T (suprise!) was really good and I'm feeling much better. I was so activated and triggered that it was actually difficult to think, I had "lost" myself. My T was compassionate and understanding. He stayed very calm while I fell apart and stayed with me asking questions about how I felt until I was able to describe it. Then we were able to look at it together and see how and why I was so triggered. Put the whole thing into perspective. By the end of the session, the swirling chaos had abated and I was able to think clearly again. Once again demonstrating the importance of a secure attachment.

Part of what got so scary was the (very irrational) belief that this was the time my T would look at me and say, that's it, that's one time too many you've freaked over nothing, you're out of here. I KNOW its not true, but it still feels so terrifying. Then I go and spend the session with him and experience that he's not going anywhere, that he's not feeling impatient with me, and helps me understand myself and its such an amazing feeling. In many ways, my T feels like the home I've looked for my whole life.

Once I calmed down, I did realize a few good things. I did consistently reach out for contact when I was triggered; I called my T, I called my sister, I posted here, I emailed a friend I knew would understand. And I didn't eat!! A minor miracle! My T pointed out that those behaviors would not always have been the case. Helped me to see that getting triggered didn't make all my progress disappear.

Thanks for understanding and posting, it really helped me get through this knowing I wasn't alone.

AG