You are more than welcome and I was glad to hear that things went well today, Kind of distressing when that stuff happens. I was glad your T stepped up and admitted that she hadn't been attuned enough. Everyone messes up sometimes, its how we handle our mistakes that really matters.
If I may in turn share my diaster today...
My usual 8:30 on Tuesday morning appt wasn't open, so my T scheduled me for today. I entered the appt in Outlook (which is how I run my life) but left the appt card on my desk. I'm getting ready to leave the office at 11:05 for my 11:30 appt when the receptionist at my office tells me I have a phone call. I pick up and its my T who says "I have you down for today" and I answer "yeah, 11:30, I was on my way out the door right now" and he says, wait for it, "no our appointment was at 10:30" I'm looking straight at Outlook which says 11:30 and then I pick up the card and see he wrote 10:30. Now, my life is basically revolving around my therapy appts so I cannot believe I have messed this up but I'm so upset I go on autopilot. My T reschedules me for next Tuesday then asks my how I'm doing? I'm so stunned I'm bascially like, ok, I'm fine, really sorry I screwed up the appt time, see ya later. Hang up the phone and go into a complete meltdown. I'm sobbing so hard I have to close my office door. I got triggered like I haven't gotten triggered in a long time. Every horrible message you can think of is hammering at me. Like someone ripped off the lid of the abyss and I'm suddenly plunged into a swirling chaos. Now, rationally, I understand I just made a mistake and entered the wrong time (and a time I usually don't see my T at) but emotionally it felt like I had screwed up major. Like beyond forgiveness, the relationship is over. So two minutes later, feeling like a pathetic idiot, I pick up the phone and leave an emergency message for my T who calls back in like three minutes. (Probably expected it because I'm really good at the delayed reactions, this has happened once before where I said I'm fine and then called back right away). I told him how triggered I was and how scared. He told me everything was fine, he wasn't angry and stay with it and try to talk about how I was feeling interspersed with telling me to breathe (I tend to stop breathing when I'm upset
) He asked if I wanted to come in earlier on Friday at 1:30, I said thanks that would be good. Then we got off the phone and I started to worry that I had gotten the appt time wrong, so I ended up emailing him to verify. I got a very nice reply in which he told me everything was ok and said in such a way that I was sure to hear. So I'm feeling better, but it was really hard. I felt so stupid, and pathetic and childish. I knew I was grossly overreacting, sorry let me rephrase that, I knew my reaction wasn't about here and now. It really threw me because things have been going really well lately with a lot of progress and this suddenly felt like all the progress dissappeared. Very frustrating. I was also braced to talk to him about something I've been trying to get to for a long time so realizing I wasn't going to see him today was like having the floor yanked out from under me. I couldn't calm down so I ended up calling my sister (who completely gets melt downs) so eventually it got better. But I also realized that part of what made it so hard was realizing how much I need my T and how much I hate that. I really thought I had come to terms with that, so I just felt so blindsided by my reactions. I know they're feelings and they come and go, just felt like a lot of lost ground. Plua, you know that lovely feeling that you're a complete wingnut and "normal" people will think you're reaction is insane? Oh yeah. so thanks for listening to my tale of woe. I'm glad I'm going on friday and gee, I think I know what I'll talk about.
AG