Skip to main content

Reply to "Update on Transference"

Sarah,
I'm sorry I know this must be painful to deal with. The thing that is so helpful about transference is also what makes it so difficult. For me, transference has been the way that many of my struggles with intimacy, expectations, trust, anger, etc. that I experience throughout my life have all surfaced in the relationship with my therapist. The MAJOR difference has been that he has remained a steady, calm, accepting presence throughout. BUT, he doesn't always get it. We've talked about rupture and repair. I spent a lot of my time and energy trying to NEVER get hurt in a relationship. As my T put it, getting hurt in a relationship is inevitable since both people involved are human, so the real trick is to learn to heal from the hurt and repair the disruption. There was a real rupture in the relationship with your T and I think she messed up and didn't handle the problem real well. But, and this is the really hard part because I know for me the terror can get so bad it feels like the air is screaming, is to, against all instincts, continue to reach out and stay in the relationship despite the pain. This teaches us its possible and can be done. My T has a great analogy about playing rugby. Most healthy people could go play rugby for three hours, get the tar beat out of them, go home, take a hot bath, and with the exception of a few aches, feel fine the next day. People who have experienced healthy attachment and been taught to regulate themselves handle emotional pain in the same way. Yes, it hurts, but they quickly come back from it. People, like me, with a real lack of secure attachment and lacing an ability to regulate myself are like a hemophiliac playing rugby. One play could be fatal. We get hurt and have no resiliency to come back from it. We still have to learn how to do it. Its phenomially hard work, and can be painful and really scary, but its worth it in the end. Because its how you heal. Hope that helps somehow. Have you seen your T again yet? Do you have plans to?

AG
×
×
×
×
×