Yes, I’ve only been in counseling a year. I came in for marriage issues and never in a million years expected what was to come. I can’t believe it’s taken this long to establish our relationship, but you’re right. It’s like any other relationship. When I left last session, he said in passing, “Okay, now the real work starts.” I could sense he could feel the foundation of our relationship was firming up so that we could start to do more trauma work.
quote:Such words fill me with security and fear in the same moment. My response is usually to just respond indifferently or even say nothing...and then send a 'did you mean that blah blah blah...' type email. He'll confirm and sometimes elaborate the following week.
That’s totally me, too. T actually pointed out that when he affirms me or our relationship, I usually ignore his comments and bring it up 4-6 weeks later.
quote:After a rocky and angst-filled few years, my sessions are almost always all good experiences, even though they involve pain. It's a different pain to the pain of trying to attacdh. It's not the pain that comes from feeling unheard or unknown or uncared for - that's all in place now. It's more that with all that in place I am now safe enough to explore the reality of my infancy and childhood, and that is painful. And even though T offers much, the one thing he can't offer is an escape from that reality and what it means in the here and now.
Exploring the pain of childhood - sometimes there are no adjectives to describe the pain. You are so right. They can’t offer an escape and can only sit with us in our pain. Unfortunately, it doesn’t minimize the pain. I just re-read Dr. LaCombe’s quote that says, “the best way to change how you experience an emotion, is to experience it.”That’s the good and bad news, I guess.
quote:But we have a formula now that seems to be working.
I think that’s the key. Creating a partnership with your T that works for you. T reminded me there’s no one way to heal trauma. I love that you guys have come up with a formula. How amazing that he can incorporate touch and proximity. I have started asking T to sit closer to me, too. When we first started I asked him to sit like 8 ft away. We also made a covenant with each other that we add to every so often that helps keep me feeling safe and secure.
quote:This relationship for me is quite mind-blowing...that someone would offer this level of care, that I could find this relationship...this attachment. I am in my 40s and after a life time of suppressed childhood pain and all that brings to your life, I had almost given up. But I am still so cautious, even frightened at times. Accepting the care seems a bigger challenge than asking for it.
It is so mind-blowing to find Ts that care as much as they do. I feel like only another who has experiences a similar pain can be so compassionate and patient with us. We are lucky. I’m so glad you did not give up because it sounds like you are on your way to wholeness, even through all the frightening times.
You are courageous to ask your T for what you need. I hope one day he will be able to hold you in your blanket.
Thank you for generously sharing your experience. To know that I’m not alone is one of the greatest gifts of this group. Your story gives me hope that even though I’ll probably be in therapy for a long time, it’s going to be okay.
Thanks Monte.
PF