Hi Charlotte,

AG is right; “These feelings are an indication that you are looking for something you don't have or you wouldn't still be looking for it. You do not deserve to be punished for these feelings.” I’m going to say it straight up, your T is not punishing you, YOU are and you don’t deserve that. NOT dealing with your feelings is what will hurt you, Charlotte. It will cause more problems for you and possibly your marriage if you don’t. I know it must feel as if you’ve been punished and scolded in the worst way, but you’ve done NOTHING wrong. I hope that you will decide to see another T and straight up ask her if she is willing to stay with you because you feel you can’t risk that kind of hurt again. I kind of think that whomever your T has in mind to refer you to is someone who can commit to you the way you need her to. But you can always ask to make sure and I don’t blame you for that.

I worry for you because these feelings are too much for you to bear alone. I am glad that you are posting here and finding this kind of support, but I really hope that you will try to trust another therapist. The last thing you need is to have stayed with a T who may have hurt you more in the long run and perhaps violated the sanctity of the therapeutic relationship by giving in to your desires for him. As strongly as we feel for our T’s sexually, maternally, friendship or otherwise, it is NEVER ok for them to give in to that. It is not wrong for us to have these inclinations but it is NEVER ok for them to violate us by smudging the boundaries. No matter how much we wish they didn’t exist, boundaries are for our protection.

The fact that you had these feelings for a married man and contemplated the desires and fantasies that you had is no indication that you are a bad person, these very desires point to something much deeper than that, much more innocent than they appear and a good therapist will help you work through the underlying issues of transference.

I look forward to hearing from you “frequently” even if it is just to drop a quick line or two. Please let us know how you are doing.

(((safe hugs)))

JM