Charlotte,
Don't make me get out the HTML slapper and go upside your head! You are being WAY TOO HARD on yourself. (Trust me, I know, I have a doctorate in beating myself up.) This isn't a case of being unfaithful to your husband or you doing anything wrong. These feelings are an indication that you are looking for something you don't have or you wouldn't still be looking for it. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED FOR THESE FEELINGS. And despite how you feel, you are a worthwhile unique precious person who deserves all the friends, love, comfort and connection you can get; that is your birthright. Not getting those things as a child is the failure of your caretakers, not of you. You can feel like you are worthless all you want, it still isn't true.

And I understand how hard it must be to contemplate going to another T feeling the way you do right now and not wanting to risk more pain like this, but I really think that working with another T would give you a chance to look at this and work it through.

Take care,
AG