Hi all,

I have been suffering with transference for the last 3 weeks. It started with my T being unable to make my regular appointment (he gave me lots of notice and alternate times). First I said yes, then I called and cancelled because I was upset. The next day I called and said I was so upset and I wanted to come in. I describe it as I lack "emotional regulation". When he called me back, he no longer had the appointment time open so I had to wait 2 weeks between sessions.

So I got angry, angry he gave away the appointment time I said I didn't want (which is crazy), angry that he doesn't let me talk about the issues that I want to talk about (but I never mention), angry that he just won't fix me. I realized I don't want therapy, I want some magical parental figure who can fix me.

When I finally get to my appt last week I can't even talk. I manage to get out that I'm angry at him but I'm afraid if I express my anger he won't let me come back. So I sit in silence for 50min. with him trying to stimulate me to talk and me being too afraid. Later I start to worry that he will tell me he can't work with me because I won't talk to him. So now I feel caught, I can't express my feelings, I can't be silent. I can't figure out a way to be in a relationship with my T without ruining it. This is basically how I feel in my relationship with my mother who is quite narcissistic.

Of course intellectually I realize that this feeling is transference. I really have no reason to doubt my Ts ability to handle my feelings I just don't know because I haven't tried him. Tomorrow is my next appointment and I'm going to try and express some of my crazy, mixed up feelings about our relationship.

Wish me luck,