Thanks so much for the comforting words. I really appreciate it. I'm feeling a little less foggy since last night, so that's great. I managed to go swimming with a friend and then hang out with some other friends for dinner and felt relatively good, so that's good (with the help of a little anti-anxiety medication).
quote:Originally posted by True North:
I think part of it is that they are just not comfortable with the electronic medium and do better face to face.
I think you're right. I often think people are less than friendly via email when it turns out that that's just how they do electronic communications. Their e-persona isn't representative of their actual personality. I'm just hyper, hyper sensitive because I post and email and IM so much that I can't imagine not presenting myself as accurately as possible via e-communications.
quote:Originally posted by True North:
I was just wondering and I could be very wrong but wanted to throw this out there.... that your inability to tolerate a close intimate relationship could be your way of not allowing yourself to be be happy. To give yourself the permission to go ahead and take that chance to enjoy life and love.
I think anything is possible at this point. But I have taken the chance and what I encountered was intense fear. In the past, I just backed out of relationships, citing not wanting to be "tied down" or "lose my freedom" etc, etc. But what was really going on was a fear of an adult relationship, and the fear is based on my original attempt to connect/attach with my mother.
My T's theory is this. I know it sounds a little out there, but here it is. When I was a child and attempted to connect with my mother, two things happened. One was I came up against my father, who I was afraid of and who rejected me and who I saw as the person who my mother was mostly and really available to. I took a back seat to him and, as I say, I was also frightened of him. It's not that my dad was openly hostile and cutting to me as an infant (but it wasn't too much after then that he was), but he didn't have to be. His mere presence, his insanely negative energy, the perpetual scowl on his face, watching and listening to him be grouchy and joyless around my mom...it all said, "don't go there, kid. That's for me, not you. You stay away or we'll send you away. Got it?" It's no wonder I hate his guts.
During the time that I did get with my mother - as much as it pains me to say this - there wasn't much there to connect with. My mother being who she is, I didn't detect any exuberance, any desire, any passion, or any joy in her. Emotionally, she was very closed, repressed and restrained. There weren't a lot of smiles or laughter to hook into to. I know this all must sound a little nutty, but it's true...my mother is such a reserved, selfless person, that there literally was very little "person" or self for me to attach to.
So, the idea is that if I put myself out there - emotionally, physically - in a real, adult relationship, there's a conflict between: 1) the part of me that fears reaching for that connection based on my attempt to connect with my mother and running into dad and, 2) the adult part of me that's acting out it's natural, healthy desire to be with someone.
quote:Originally posted by True North:
And, please let me wish you a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAYand a day that is hopefully free of anxiety so you can enjoy it. Call your T. You have nothing to lose. Let us know how it goes.
Thanks so much. I hope you have a great holiday, too!
Russ