STRM,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I am totally worn out by the whole thing. I still don't know if I'll call T tomorrow, but you're right, it's good that I have the option.


LL,

Thank you SO SO much for your reply. It's SO very comforting to know I'm not alone with this feeling, and your observations are incredibly on target.

quote:

Originally posted by Lamplighter:
As I’ve read your posts (old ones as well) I’ve had a sense of knowing a little bit of the fear/brain fog you describe. If you’re like me (needing to sort things out in between therapy sessions, desperate to get a handle on what the hell is going on in my head) then deliberately trying to chase elusive and possibly threatening feelings can be a really dangerous thing to do.

Based on the fear I'm feeling, you're right, it must be extremely dangerous to chase these feelings. As my T once said, anxiety is like lights on a runway. It's there to point out that there's something down there and where to go, but also to be damn careful.

quote:

Originally posted by Lamplighter:
Sorry don’t want to frighten you, just wanting to say that maybe pushing yourself to understand on your own the dynamics within you can make the fear and fog worse.

I agree that this is probably happening, along with other things. It just feels like I'm chronically triggered but not being sure what exactly is triggering me. I know I get triggered by my best friend (former GF who I now have a very close but very confusing relationship with) pretty much every time I see her. She represents one of my major binds/conflicts, namely being terrified of real emotional and physical intimacy and being terrified of not having it. And I'm triggered by my anger toward my T, which is really intense right now. And I have it in my head that I should be able to discern and analyze how and when it all starts and why it stays stuck in the "on" position for so long. So you're right, I'm pressing very hard when I'm not doing myself any favors in doing it. But the fog is like having a sharp stick in your eye...the only thing you're concerned about is getting the damn stick out and get some relief.

quote:

Originally posted by Lamplighter:
I get the sense that your T’s email reply has maybe kicked you out of the fog a bit and brought back the anger - and am going to say, that’s good - explanation below

Again you're right on the money. My interior response to his email was something like, "WTF, man, how about something a little more personal and WELCOMING!! How about something like, 'HI Russ. I'll be available on Sunday after ten. Please feel free to call if you feel you need to talk for a few minutes.' Is this too much to ask?" And I feel like saying, "Dude, your email persona SUCKS. Once again, you make me feel like I'm not sure if it's OK to email or call."

But then, before our break, I asked if he'd be checking email and messages and he said yes. Then later in the session when HE was pointing out how formal and distant I am in telling him how I feel about him and asking for what I need I said, "hey, I asked you if you'd be available if I need to talk over the break." And he said, "yes, but in a very disinfected way." I didn't say this but I will next week. "Well, look what I have to interact with. Don't expect me to open up and be all warm and needy when you're sitting there like a log."

quote:

Originally posted by Lamplighter:
What struck me was this comment of yours in a previous thread (the Two Week Break)

quote:

And even when I'm furious with my T and he doesn't do anything that my dad would do in that situation, I still can't seem to see that my feelings are being honored, validated and respected. If I were able to do this, I think I'd be making more progress.

In my initial reply I wrote something like - well if you don’t feel that your feelings are being validated and respected, that means they aren’t! I don’t mean that your T is not validating and understanding you, but that if you don’t feel it then no amount of accepting it rationally will make it true. And my ‘advice’ in that reply was for you to act on that sense of lack - dig your heels in, throw a tantrum, tell him you don’t FEEL validated and understood, DEMAND it, use the anger you’re comfortable with to really push for it - going with the anger at T (as opposed to at your dad) and especially for something that might appear ‘unreasonable’ and ‘childish’ is a pretty good way to break through to whatever hurt or unmet needs or other underground feelings might be fuelling it - without your having to chase what you think ought to be there but can’t find.

I’ve found that pushing the anger on my own allowed me glimpses of other stuff underneath, but that got pretty quickly swamped in the black fear - with me spinning out. On the other hand, being able to go with it with the person at whom the anger is directed (and it seems to me your T is comfortable with your anger so you can be assured you’ll be heard without defensiveness) allows whatever is lurking underneath a chance to peek out spontaneously and in safety.

You are SO correct that I feel like my feelings are NOT getting validated and understood by him, even if they are. It's kind of like there's a flaw in the wiring between me and him. If that flaw weren't there, I'd be feeling validated and understood and supported, but I don't. But whenever I've been hurt in my life, this has always been the case. It seems that no amount of reparation fixes it for me. It's this very extreme, black and white way of experiencing things. If you hurt me, it's over. Done. Forever. There's no fixing it. Or, I can pretend that it's fixed because I know that's how "normal" people experience relationships...there are problems, the problems are talked about and then resolved. I can't do that. Damn, even a CHILD can get over a hurt. I seemingly can't.

This is such wonderful advice. Thank you so much. I AM going to do this starting this week. He wants me to open up, I'll open up on him. If I get swamped out of existence with the wretched head poison, well then I'll have learned something about why.

quote:

Originally posted by Lamplighter:
I’ve resurrected my thoughts on your situation because I can hear how his being different in email has actually made things worse for you (I HATE the way all Ts seem to become different out of session hours - there’s reasons for it but it still throws me for one into profound fear and doubt...). I’m wondering if a big part of what’s creating the black fog of anxiety in your head isn’t actually a lot to do with anger at people/things that you haven’t yet identified or admitted to yourself? Sorry if that’s pushy and imposing interpretations on you - I’m basing it purely on my experience and the fact that I sense quite a bit of similarity between your set up and mine.

No! You're not being pushy at all! I think you're probably right. My T pointed out that I cannot get angry AT the people I love. I can get angry with them, but not in their presence. And this is true.

quote:

Originally posted by Lamplighter:
In any event, I really hope you will be ok and that you DO contact T if you feel you need to - and that despite everything you have a very happy birthday!

Thanks so much, LL. And thanks a million times over for the post. It really helps me.

Edit: I'm taking this as a good omen. I live in a very rural area, and as I was on my way home from getting coffee at our little general store, I turned into my road. About 100ft down the road, a big black bear went jogging across the road. I said, "Wow! Awesome!" Then, another bear followed the first one across the road. So cool!

Best,
Russ