Speaking of the frame...

...I just emailed my T to see if it'd be OK if I called over the weekend. I'm really in an awful place. I've been battling a stretch of feeling intense anxiety/brain fog basically 24/7 for an entire month, and I've got another 6 days before I see my T again (we're on a 2 week break).

I've been trying to do some work on my own in the interim (doing some writing on my feelings, describing my dreams, trying to FEEL what might be under the symptoms, etc.) but I don't seem to have any inner resources against this thing. It's just relentless. I want to be able to help myself at least a little! I guess I'll just keep the Klonopin handy.

I know there's not much he can do for me right now, but I asked if it'd be OK if we just chatted for a few minutes. Last night, I felt like I was going to suffocate in the un-nameable fear. It was just horrendous.

Good grief, I've been dealing with this evil thing for over two years now...who spends TWO YEARS feeling this way, and while in therapy? I can't stop thinking, "what in the name of God is wrong with me? Am I really this broken? What is the MEANING of this? Is it just suffering for the sake of suffering? Cuz that's what it's feeling like."

Oh yes, it's also my birthday Sunday...so while I'm supposed to be all happy and celebratory with the rest of the country and all my friends, I feel like this.

And then of course I beat myself up for posting here about all my problems. I feel like a self-obsessed, totally broken person right now.

If my symptoms are a way of distracting me from feelings, I wish to God I'd start letting myself feel the damn feelings already. I feel like I can't take much more of this. I'm just totally exhausted and exasperated with this experience.

And now I've got to spend the afternoon and night out with friends. I know this is all so much self-pity, but I wonder if there's an actual end to this nightmare that my life has become.

Russ